


Something More

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: Happily Ever Eventually [2]
Category: British Actor RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Breakups, F/M, angsty, so angsty, tags to be updated, things get so bad for y/n
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-09-01 21:19:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 54,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16773124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: A sequel to Open: Y/n is a no-name actor who has been lucky enough to land a role on her favorite show and a part in an anthology of Marvel Cinematic Shorts. Her star is on the rise, but the man who’s made her his mistress isn’t the only one noticing it.~~~~~~“So, already first-naming him, huh? I knew they’d take to you as fast as we did.”I swallowed before continuing. “Yeah, um, about that… Tom asked me for drinks after we wrap tonight.”The silence on the other end of the phone hurt me. “You said 'yes’?” He finally asked.“Of course, I did.” I whispered.“No, you’re right. I got no claim to you, no right to stop you from your life. Hell, I’ve got a wife. Look, I gotta go. Bob’s calling. Talk to you later.” He hung up at that and it bugged me to no end. Why does he get to be jealous? I’ve been sharing him for months without a single complaint and he gets jealous over drinks?





	1. Drinks

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Open](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16444130) by [CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil). 



When I was young, I used to ponder sometimes about what kind of celebrity I would be. Would I be welcoming of the media, invite them into my life with open arms and be the open book they’d want me to be? Or would I be secretive and elusive, hiding from the cameras unless it was necessary for the job? Would I be more Paris Hilton or more Alec Baldwin? Turns out, I’m more Michael Cera.

I’m constantly baffled that people give a single fuck about me… even the fans. It baffles me almost as much as an attractive, intelligent man like Jensen Ackles thinking he’d fallen in love with me. A man who could have pretty much _anyone_ he wants… well, he can’t actually love me, and I was sure he’d realize that during my hiatus, my time at home in Florida before heading to Atlanta to start shooting on a Marvel Cinematic Short which would introduce me as a legitimate Marvel villain.

Jensen called me every night, even though I mainly just gave him time to tell me about his day on set before I gave an excuse to get off the phone and hung up before he could try to drop the three little words that made our sanctioned sexual relationship into something more, something forbidden, something based in emotion not physical need.

It’s strange, how everyone always thinks it’s the mistress who catches feelings and causes problems, which… yes, I caught feelings. I caught feelings when Jensen was still just my friend, but as a woman who spent much of my life not believing I was worth love, I am experienced at hiding that shit and _not_ causing problems with it. Jensen, obviously not so much.

I focused on my daughter for the three weeks I was home. I focused on Nova, not just because I love her and miss her when I’m away, but because it helped me focus on Jensen’s kids. Three amazing children who’d be hurt if Jensen messed up his loving marriage and happy family for the sake of his stupid feelings.

Jensen could tell, by the time I went to Georgia, I knew he could tell that I was pulling away, pulling back, trying to put more than just _miles_ of distance between us. He let me have it, I’m sure he thought it was a direct result of his wife’s harsh words, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t play a part, but mostly… mostly I needed to _not_ be the reason Jensen fucked up his marriage. Mostly I needed him to realize he didn’t actually love me.

I got to Atlanta on Tuesday, my first day being Wednesday. I was nervous, my stomach roiling at the thought of doing something so big. I’d normally talk it out with Jay, get my support there, but I needed distance. So, I called my best friend, Connie, who told me that I would be fine and that I was going to do an amazing job. It helped, but it didn’t quite get me where I needed to be from an anxiety standpoint. I decided to just deal with it until Jay called the next day.

When I got to set that Wednesday morning, I stood around trying to not be in the way and feeling very much like a small fish in a very large pond, when Tom Hiddleston walked by heading toward the makeup trailer. I looked down, blushing just to be in the man’s vicinity. “Ah! You must be my new favorite sin.” He stopped and turned back, stepping in front of me and looking me up and down.

I smiled and gave a small chuckle. “A man as articulate as you, I can only imagine that phrasing was intentionally flirtatious.”

He smiled, brightly, and his eyes shined as he stepped forward. “Well, you’ve caught me. I have a habit of being flirtatious. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Who, in their right mind, would have a problem with that?” I asked, smiling.

He gave his own little chuckle, a trademark sound of ‘heh-heh’. “Uh, married women, generally, and those with jealous boyfriends tend to take umbrage with it.”

I nodded. “Well, lucky for us, I’m divorced… and I don’t have a boyfriend.” My stomach tightened at the admission, but I reminded myself that it was true. Jensen was not my boyfriend. He was never my boyfriend. I was his mistress, but we weren’t dating.

“Who would possibly allow a vision like you to slip away?”

“A big ol’ bag of dicks named 'Nate’.” I said, laughing.

“Well… I have to go get Loki’s hair attached to my head. I look forward to working with you, y/f/n y/l/n.”

“Please, call me 'y/n’, Mr. Hiddleston.”

He reached forward and took my hand, kissing the back of it. “Then, I insist you call me 'Tom’.”

Before I met Jay, before Jensen Ackles picked _me_ , I would have assumed that Tom was just being polite, but I recognized it for what it really was, that look in his eyes… Tom Hiddleston was actually, earnestly flirting with me. “Okay, Tom. Enjoy your time in the makeup trailer. I’m scheduled to be in there in a few.”

“What, you haven’t already been? Guess you must be a natural beauty.” He winked at me, before dropping my hand and heading back in the direction he was heading before he’d stopped to talk to me.

When I walked into the makeup trailer, he was in the process of getting his wig put on his head. I sat in the chair next to him and looked over. “So, I have to talk to you about _High-Rise._ ”

“Oh? Did you like it?”

I nodded. “Definitely. It’s one of those movies that left me with a 'What the fuck did I just watch?’ feeling, but I have some… thoughts.”

“Shoot.” He encouraged.

“Well, first… Shame on Laing for eating that beautiful dog.”

He chuckled, at that. “That dog was a beauty, I agree.”

“Also, that line, uh, 'Charlotte was right, you are the best amenity in the building’. That’s such an unsexy line, but… somehow? Sexy.” I quoted in a British accent.

“Next time I see Elizabeth, I’ll tell her that you enjoyed her delivery. Any other commentary?”

I gave a breathy chuckle. “No, you know, I think if I comment any further, we’ll end up speaking about the sex scenes and… Sinthea’s supposed to have red _hair_ , not red skin.” I said, feeling my face flush.

“Well, this certainly isn’t the time or place for that, so we’ll have to continue this conversation after we wrap tonight. Over drinks?” Tom suggested.

I bit my lip. Tom asking me to drinks. It could be completely innocent. I could make sure it stays completely innocent. I mean, I have Jensen waiting for me back in Vancouver, but… I could also make sure it isn’t innocent. “Drinks sound good, Tom. I don’t know the area too well, so I hope you have someplace in mind. Only bar I know around here is Joystick.”

“That’s an incredibly obscure place to be the only drinking establishment you know about.”

“You know about the Gamebar?” I asked, confused. I was not expecting Tom to know about the arcade/bar.

“Of course. I’ve only ever been on slow nights, of course, but most people aren’t expecting me to be there, so I’ve only been recognized twice.”

“I’ve only ever been once and I was even _more_ of a nobody then, so…”

“I refuse to believe you were _ever_ a nobody.”

“Okay, well, back then my only fans were my daughter and my nephew, so…”

“You’re a mother?” His eyes lit up when he asked.

“Yeah. She’s seven. That doesn’t put a damper on our drink plans, does it?” Based on his eyes the moment before, I knew it didn’t.

“No, of course not. What’s her name?”

“Nova.”

“It’s a beautiful name. You _must_ have pictures.”

“Of course! What else are cell phones for?” I joked, pulling out my phone and going to my folder of Nova pictures. I handed the phone across to him and good long fingers closed around the case.

“She’s gorgeous. Looks just like you.” He flipped through several more of the pictures. “Oh, I love this one. Such an adorable little suit.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s her 'Day after Easter’ outfit. We always pick up a pretty dress for egg hunting and then a handsome suit for the next day. She’s insisted on it since she was three years old.”

“What an original little girl. She’s perfection.”

“Thanks. I put a lot of effort into her.” I smiled as he handed the phone back. A stylist walked up to me and started to pull on my hair. By the time we were done, my hair was a dark red. Tom waited around for me, his wig down to his shoulders and looking a bit greasy.

“Wow. You look stunning with red hair.”

“Thanks. I haven’t been a ginger since before I became a mom.”

“It suits you.”

“Thanks. I, uh, used to think the black hair suited you, but that was before I watched High-rise and the Night Manager. I mean, the black suits Loki, obviously, but… Short and light and just a bit ginger definitely suits _you_ better.” I said, eliciting another smile from him.

The day included many retakes of the same scene with Tom, his Loki voice giving me chills, until I felt like I was going to cry from the monotony and then we wrapped for lunch. It was noon in Vancouver, so I called Jensen. Day calls were safer than night calls. “Hey. How’s your first day on a major motion picture?”

I sat in the Craft tent, with the extras, knowing I wasn’t famous enough for people to listen in on my phone call there. “Uh, it’s good. My hair is _super_ red. My voice is already tired. You remember when Rich was directing and he made us do the French Toast scene thirteen freakin’ times? Nothing compared to these Marvel guys.”

“You havin’ fun, though? Meet any of the biggies, yet?”

“Yeah, actually. Most of my scenes are with Tom.”

“Which one?” Jensen asked, amusement in his voice.

I laughed. “Hiddleston. Sinthea has most of her scenes with Loki. I’ve got a small interaction with Stephen Strange and, like, two tiny scenes with Thor, but that’s it. So, I’m sadly not gonna have any screen time with RDJ or Sebastian Stan. Oh, they did tell me something cool and super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut. I get the mid-credits scene.” I whispered proudly.

“No shit?”

“No shit. Well, me _and_ Tom, but… it’s Sinthea’s reveal, which I can’t go into because super-secret-keep-your-mouth-shut.”

“So, already first-naming him, huh? I knew they’d take to you as fast as we did.”

I swallowed before continuing. “Yeah, um, about that… Tom asked me for drinks after we wrap tonight.”

The silence on the other end of the phone hurt me. “You said 'yes’?” He finally asked.

“Of _course_ , I did.” I whispered.

“No, you’re right. I got no claim to you, no right to stop you from your life. Hell, I’ve got a wife. Look, I gotta go. Bob’s calling. Talk to you later.” He hung up at that and it bugged me to no end. Why does he get to be jealous? I’ve been sharing him for months without a single complaint and he gets jealous over drinks?

When the night came and we wrapped for the day, Tom’s assistant called a car service for us. We climbed into the back of a very nice black Audi and Tom smiled at the driver. “The Lava Lounge, please.”

“The where? I was hoping for Joystick.” I was only half joking.

“Another time. Tonight, you’re going to enjoy the full benefits of your new station in life.” When I raised an eyebrow at him, he chuckled, scratching at his cheek. “You’re a Marvel villain, now. A poorly-paid, new to the job, fresh-faced actor who’s now in a major studio production as a character with a name and actual lines. You’re a VIP, y/n. You need to get used to it.”

“I’m _so_ not. And it’s funny that you think I’m poorly-paid. I haven’t ever made so much money as I’m making from these two weeks of work.”

“You’re well on your way, dear.”

We skipped the line at the Lava Lounge, then headed to a roped-off table in the corner. “Drinks?” A server asked. Tom looked to me.

“I don’t know, actually. Depends on how we want the night to go. Crown and Coke or a Tequila Sunrise.”

“How do you mean?” Tom asked.

“I’ll sip at a Crown and Coke, so it won’t get me drunk. I’ll _down_ a Tequila Sunrise and then another and another until I’m suddenly just gone.”

Tom smiled. “Two Crown and Cokes, but go ahead and add two Sunrises to the tab. Thank you.”

“Oh, so you want me drunk eventually, just not yet.”

“Well, I’d like the chance to get to know you a bit more before I drag you out to the dance floor for drunken gyration.” As I sipped on my first drink, he questioned me about myself. “Family?” I ran down my family makeup, giving names and occupations of my family as I drank. “Daughter; Nova. And your ex? What can you tell me about _him_?”

“My second high school sweetheart; a gaslighting jerk who encouraged my self-destructive behavior and cheated on me at several points before walking out on me in the hopes that I’d beg him to come back and bow to any request he made of me. I refused, so…”

“And now, you’re _here_. He must hate himself.”

“Yeah. I’m a big muckity-muck actor; having drinks with you, staying with the star of my favorite show, which I also happen to be a part of. Livin’ the good life, and he’s… not. He remarried, to a chubby colorblind woman who pulls her hair out when stressed, which is all the time because being married to him? Not a cakewalk.”

“Favorite Shakespeare play?” Tom changed the subject.

I shrugged. “Who says I have one? Millennials don’t know the Bard.”

“Of course, you do. Come on, then.” He encouraged.

I sighed. “Don’t laugh.”

“Is it a comedy?” He asked, with a grin.

I bit my lip and downed the rest of the drink. “I have always had a fondness for the first Shakespearean play I ever read… _A Midsummer Night’s Dream._ ” He snorted at that. “Yeah, see… all of you snobby Shakespearean scholars lookin’ down on my fave Comedy. I read it when I was Nova’s age and loved it, okay? I named my dog Oberon, okay? I named my turtle Puck. I considered naming Nova 'Titania’. I won’t hear you’re derisive BS.”

He smiled in a placating way. “No, no. It’s a fine play. I just prefer my Shakespeare to be a bit… bloodier.”

“Well, my favorite tragedy is Macbeth. That’s a bit more bloody.” I leaned forward. “Nova was a C-section, so the thing about Macduff being not of woman born, it just tickles me.”

“I appreciate you telling me. I’ll be expecting the scar, now.” He said, matter-of-factly.

I laughed. “You’re expecting to get me naked, Tom?”

“In due time, y/n.” He said, with a chuckle.

I drank down two Sunrises before he dragged me up to the Cue Club, where a DJ was playing dance music and there were multicolored lights strobing. “Tom, I don’t dance.”

“Nonsense. Everyone dances. Come on!” He positioned himself behind me and we took to grinding against each other. It was only slightly awkward due to the height difference.

As Tom and I stood outside the club, waiting for a taxi to make its way down the one-way street outside, I leaned on him a bit. “Next time we do this, I’m gonna have to wear heels. It’ll make up for some of that height difference so we can dance better.”

“'Next time’?” He whispered, happily. 'Glad to hear it. So… what hotel do they have you in?“

"The, uh, the Holiday Inn Express on Cone Street.”

He smiled, a little uncomfortable. “I’m at the Ritz on Peachtree. So, the question becomes: My hotel or yours?”

I took a deep breath. “Both. I’m sorry. I just… not tonight, Tom.”

He sighed but then smiled. “I haven’t been rejected in quite a while. There isn’t a boyfriend you neglected mention, is there?”

“No. Not, not really. I, uh, I have a friend.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I have a friend who’s in an open marriage and I have been playing the part of his Madame du Pompadour. We’re not _dating_ , of course. He’s married, but… when I told him that you asked me out tonight, he… he hung up on me. He’s a good friend and, before I jump into something with you, I… I have to make sure that I haven’t ruined my friendship with him. I mean, assuming you still want something with me after I just confessed to being a married man’s official mistress.”

Tom smiled. “One of the stars of your little TV series?” I didn’t answer, just looking down. “I wouldn’t begrudge you the physical affections of an attractive man. Your Louis XV has good taste… but you deserve more.” He said as a taxi pulled up. He opened the door for me and gestured for me to get in. He slid in next to me and gave the driver my hotel info.

I leaned my head against his shoulder as the taxi started toward Peachtree Walk. “You’re awesome, Tom.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Hn… tipsy.” I argued.

“Will you be calling Louis tomorrow? I ask because I would love to take you to dinner tomorrow.”

“I call him every day.” I mused. “But I’ll have this all figured out before we wrap tomorrow.”

“All right. Then, I propose dinner.”

“And I propose not. I don’t know how to say this, but you are a paparazzi magnet. Did you see the guys outside Lava? The guys _inside_ Lava?”

“I’ve learned to ignore them.”

“Well, I’m not ready for all that attention, yet. A year ago I was a forklift driver and cashier, even with _Supernatural_ under my belt, no one gives me a second look. So…”

“Well, then, why don’t you come to my hotel for dinner? The Ritz has amazing room service.”

“I would love that.” I answered. Tom told the car to wait and walked me to my room, kissing my cheek once we got to my door. I called Jensen as soon as I flopped down into bed. It was 1 am there and I was lucky that he was just wrapping on the show. “Jensen, I’m drunk.”

“I can hear that.” He grumbled.

“I’m drunk and I’m _alone_.” I clarified. “I didn’t go back to Tom’s hotel with him (the Ritz, by the way), because I was left with the distinct impression that you are mad at me and I don’t want you mad at me, Jay.”

There was silence for a minute before he sighed. “Y/n/n, I ain’t mad at you. I know I…” There was a silence as I’m sure he looked around where ever he was. “I’m married. We aren’t dating. I knew we were temporary when we started it. I just didn’t expect you to leave me as soon as you… left Vancouver.”

“I’m… sure it’s temporary with him, too. It fuckin’ always _is_. Look, I’m not going anywhere, Jay. I… I’m part of the Family now, right? Even if Tara gets killed off, I’m part of the Supernatural Family. Even if we aren’t together, I’m gonna be around. Right? You aren’t gonna cut me off just because-”

“No! God, no! Come on. Don’t… look, I’m not mad. Just wish _I_ could give you what you deserve.”

“I _deserve_ a chance with Tom. Since I can’t have you… I deserve Tom. But I deserve to be your friend, too. Please, don’t take that away from me.”

“I won’t. I’m here for you. Promise.”

“Good. I have to get some sleep so… Jay. Don’t hang up on me again. It hurt.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Hey, I’ll see you at ATLCon, right? You don’t have any shooting for this weekend, do you?”

“Yeah. Definitely. The director cleared me for that weekend before I even got here.”

“Hey, okay. I’ll see you then, Baby Girl.”

“Good night, Jay.”


	2. Friday People

“Did you clear things up with Louis?” Tom asked, sitting in front of me as the stylist ran a brush through my hair.

I smiled. “Yeah. All clear.”

“Good.” He said, as the other stylist started in on his hair. “You get to shoot at me today.”

“Oh, goodie.” I said, with a big smile.

When we finished for the day, Tom put us in the back of a hired car and told it to take us to the Ritz-Carlton. There was a small crowd of fans outside and a few papparazzos waiting in the wings and Tom saw how I looked at them. “I’ll get out, sign some autographs and have my pictures taken. You drive around the block and come in when they’ve dispersed. I’ll meet you in the lift lounge on the fifteenth floor.” I nodded as Tom handed a folded bank note to the driver. “Drive around the block and try to let her out a bit before the entrance. She’d like to avoid the crowds. Thank you so much.”

When I got out of the car ten minutes later, Tom was still signing autos, but the photographers were mostly just waiting to see if anything interesting was going to happen. I ducked my head and rushed in behind him as inconspicuously as I could. I got into the elevator and pushed 15, taking a seat in the chair in the small lounge that housed the elevator doors. I only had to wait ten more minutes before the elevator dinged and the doors opened. I stood as Tom walked out. “Sorry about that. Some of them called nearby friends for the opportunity to get an autograph and I couldn’t deny them the opportunity when they came just to see me.”

I smiled. “You’re so nice to your fans. I didn’t mind waiting. You’re worth waiting for.” We walked to the corner room, one of only four on floor 15, and he let me into his room. It was huge and decorated in light colors. Beiges and creams with blue and gold accents. To the immediate left of the entrance was a small half-bath, a sectional sofa with a coffee table and a television in front of it and a medium-sized oval table in front of the wall-length window. “Wow. This is… I’m not used to suites.”

“The, er, menu is in the bedroom.” Tom said, pushing open the French doors and walking into the separate room. “Would you like to start with a cocktail? No Sunrises, unfortunately.” He moved to another oval table near the window in the bedroom and I followed, picking up the cocktail menu.

“I’ll go with the Sangria, then.” I looked up at him, realizing how close he was to me.

“And what would you like to eat?”

I swallowed and looked down as he opened the menu to the dinner menu. “Uh, well, these apps look… I’ve never had Buffalo Cauliflower, but I don’t want you to order anything that you wouldn’t be willing to eat.”

“I’ll give it a try. I’m not frightened of a little spice. What of your entrée?” His hand rested on my lower back and I bit my lip.

“The New York Strip: medium rare.”

“Sides?”

“A baked potato… and the grilled asparagus.”

“I am so happy that you aren’t embarrassed to eat in front of me.” He said, pulling his cell phone out and stepping away from the table with the menu in his hand. “Yes, this is room 1502. I’d like to place an order, please. Yes. We’re going to start with two Sangrias and two Classic Martinis, all over ice spheres. Yes, there’s just two of us, but we’re going to be saving you a return trip.” He chuckled. “Exactly. For our appetizer, we’re going to give the Cauliflower a try and then I will be having the scallops and a side of roasted Brussels’ sprouts, and she’ll be having the 12 oz New York Strip cooked medium rare with a baked potato and the grilled asparagus. Yes, actually. About an hour after the main course gets here, you can bring up a bread pudding and a chocolate lava cake. That sounds magnificent. Thank you.”

“That sounds like a lot of food, now that I’ve heard it out loud.” I said, turning around and leaning against the table.

“It’s really not. Portion sizes in restaurants like American Grill leave a lot to be desired.”

“So… how long ‘til room service gets here?”

“Drinks will be up in five. Appetizer not too long after that.” He pushed my hair off of my shoulder and smiled down at me. “So, I noticed that you aren’t on the shooting schedule this weekend. Is that intentional?”

“I have a Supernatural convention this weekend. A big to-do at the Westin down the street.”

“A Supernatural convention? Is that at all akin to Comic Con?”

I smiled up at him as his long fingers twirled in my hair. “They’re cousins. I’ve never been to Comic Con, so I can’t exactly speak to the differences but the Creation Cons I do are exclusively Supernatural. Actors and musicians and whatnot who are Supernatural vets.”

“And what do you do at a Supernatural convention?” He asked, his fingertips slipping down my spine and making me shiver.

“Well, I will hang out with my friends in the Green Room, mostly, then I’ll have a panel where the fans will ask me a dozen questions that I’ve answered at previous cons, usually to do with my living arrangements in Van City. Then, there’s Friday Night Karaoke and Saturday Night Special Concert. Sundays are usually all about the boys, though, so I don’t have much to do there.”

“Karaoke? You get up and sing for the fans?” He asked, taking a step back.

“Yeah. I mean, for Karaoke, the fans do most of the singing, we just help out if they get nervous, keep the party going and whatnot but we each have one song we sing solo. I usually do a Miranda Lambert song. Saturday Night is a Louden Swain concert, but some of us get up and sing with them. I’m gonna sing Reba’s 'Fancy’ this week.”

“I’d love to see you up on stage.”

I smiled. “Well, if you aren’t busy tomorrow night, maybe we could sing a duet.”

“Oh, I-” He looked down, smiling bashfully. “I don’t know about that.”

“Come on, Hank Sr. I’ve heard you sing. I’d gladly forgo my _Gunpowder and Lead_ to sing a song with you.”

“All right.” He smiled. “Did you have a duet in mind?”

“Well, do you know any Meghan Trainor?”

He smirked, knowing where I was going with the question. “I know John Legend. 'Like I’m Gonna Lose You’?” He asked, as a knock came to the door and he walked away. I stayed in the bedroom as Tom dealt with the room service. The door closed and he walked in, a tumbler of Sangria in one hand and a Martini in the other. “The makings of another round are in the other room, but these are a good start, I’d think.”

I took a drink of the Sangria and set it on the table I was leaning on. “ _I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you, like I’m sayin’ goodbye. Wherever we’re standin’, I won’t take you for granted, 'cause we’ll never know when, When we’ll run out of time. So I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you._ ”

Tom chuckled. “Oh. That voice is heavenly.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard God sing.” I joked. His eyebrows tucked together and I laughed. “Rob Benedict, the lead singer of the house band, Louden Swain, he played God on Supernatural. He’s got a pretty damn amazing voice. Oh, and Gil McKinney and Briana Buckmaster…”

“You are such a fan of them. You don’t see yourself as their equal, yet?”

“I’m _not_. Bri is a legit stage actor, I haven’t been on stage since High School. Kim and Osric and Matt are all legit TV stars. I’m just… I’m just me, the one non-extra actor in the show who has two entries on her IMDB page.”

“But you _have_ an IMDB page. One entry is 10 episodes of one of the most popular and longest-running American genre shows on the television; the other is a major Marvel movie. You have to stop looking at yourself as less than them.” He set his Martini next to my Sangria and dipped his head next to my ear. “You are no less and deserve no less.” His lips brushed against my cheek as he spoke and I closed my eyes at the feeling.

“God.” I whispered, resting my hand on his chest to ground myself.

“I’ll have you screaming that later.” His voice was deep, almost to Loki darkness and it caused me to fist my hand in his t-shirt. “In fact, I could call down, hold off on our dinner…”

“I’m hungry, Tom.” I swallowed. “We can satisfy the other hunger after.” I opened my eyes and looked up at him.

He smiled before leaning his lips down to meet mine. “I can wait. You’re worth waiting for.” He mimicked my earlier words, pulling away and picking up his Martini. “Come into the living room. We’ll watch a movie while we eat.”

“What movie?”

“What is your opinion of…” He dropped himself to the plush beige couch and I followed, sitting next to him. “… _The Princess Bride_?”

“What’s your opinion on people quoting movies as they watch, because I can’t watch that movie quietly?”

“I’ll be quoting, as well, if you don’t mind.”

I was sort of excited to hear some of Westley’s lines from Tom’s mouth so I smiled as I sat back on the couch, my Sangria balancing on my knee. We watched, we quoted, we ate and drank. Tom got up halfway through the meal and put together our second drinks, then sat back next to me and we continued our dinner and movie. “This is my favorite line.” I said, sitting forward as Buttercup sat at her vanity to pull her dagger.

“To the pain?” Tom asked.

“No. 'There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. T'would be a pity to damage yours.’ I mean, 'to the pain’ is good, too, but…”

“It’s good, but… I’m fond of most breasts.”

“Well, me too, tits are amazing, but…” I smirked and turned to him. “Perfect breasts are hard to come by. A lot of them are lopsided or one is significantly larger than the other.”

“Really? I’ve never noticed.”

“Yeah. It’s a very common thing for women to be lopsided.” I sat up straight and pushed my chest out. “It’s a lot less prominent, now, but when I was 260 pounds, my right breast was a full cup-size bigger than my left.”

“Really?” He set his plate on the table and leaned down to examine me. “I’ll have to pay special attention to sizing once I get you out of your bra.”

I chuckled and set my plate next to his. “Like I said, it’s not as bad as it used to be.”

“Can I form my own opinion?” He asked, pushing me backward on the couch and leaning over me… but not touching me. Waiting for the permission. I bit my lip and nodded up at him. He smiled as he began to unbutton my blouse. “Well, these are gorgeous. A slight asymmetry but still… full, round, properly spaced to never have to worry about indecent cleavage. Natural, too, aren’t they?” He asked, running his hand across the lace front of my bra.

“Of course, they are.” I whispered, looking up into his blue eyes.

“Take your shirt off… and the bra.” He ordered, gently, sitting back to pull his t-shirt over his head. I kinda stared at him for a few seconds, until he tilted his head and gave me a pointed look.

“Sorry.” I whispered, leaning up to undress. “Got distracted by those muscles.”

“I understand. I’ve been getting lost in those eyes for two days.” He helped me get my bra off and I bit my lip as I looked up at him. “Let’s take this to the bedroom.” He leaned down and kissed me, his lips pressing against mine softly and confidently, before standing and pulling me off of the couch. He unbuttoned his jeans as he headed toward the double doors and he was down to his briefs by the time I made it to the bedroom. I kicked my pants off and he pulled me into his arms as we fell to the bed together.

As he kissed his way down my body, fingertips digging into my flesh, I gasped and let my eyes flutter closed. I couldn’t help a giggle as I realized something. He pulled away and when I opened my eyes, he was looking down at me with expectant blue eyes which just made me giggle again.

“I’m sorry, Tom. I just- you know I was a fan, right? So, I had conversations online with other fans and I was just thinking that they’d all fuckin’ hate me because…” I giggled again as his eyebrows shot up. “They’ve been debating length and girth and heft of the… 'conda and I’m the only one to ever get to actually _know_ the dimensions and the skill with which it’s wielded.”

He smirked. “You debated the size of my penis with people online?”

“No.” I shook my head. “I just read other peoples’ convos. Analyzing footage of Coriolanus and that scene in High-Rise… on the balcony.”

He chuckled. “Well, go on, then. Analyse.” He grabbed my hands and guided them to the waistband of his briefs. I bit my lip as I hooked my fingers in the elastic and tugged them down.

The 'conda was big. Not as big as some on tumblr seemed convinced of, but it was bigger than average and thick. Not the biggest I’d ever taken, though, so there wasn’t any apprehension hindering me as I wrapped my hand around it and leaned forward to take it in my mouth. He grunted as I swallowed him down, and he twisted a hand in my hair, thrusting a little as my tongue twirled around him.

He pulled away and kissed me, pushing me backward into the plush pillows and slipping his hand between my legs, long fingers pushing into me and making me moan. He tongued my clit just long enough to get me wet, then positioned himself between my thighs, lined himself up with my entrance and pushed in. “Oh, fuck.” I moaned as he rolled his hips. Every sexual thought ever implied by his fans over his dance moves was right. He was made for sex.

We stayed locked together for at least ninety minutes, Tom pulling breathy moans from me and granting me guttural grunts in return. When he came, it was all over my stomach, and only then did I realize that we never retrieved the condom from my purse. He cleaned me up with the softest cotton wash cloth I’ve ever felt and ran his fingers gently across my cesarean scar before dropping the towel to the floor and flopping next to me. “That was amazing.” He leaned over me, pressing his lips to mine as he stroked my hair.

“You’re right.”

“Better than Louis?”

I looked up at him and reached up to run my hand through his hair. “I can’t answer that question. Louis is great in bed, as are you. It’s different styles, but comparable… comparable orgasms.”

“So… will you be here for breakfast?” He asked, kissing the top of my head.

“Of course. If you want me here, that is.”

“Of course, I do. Well, best get some sleep. You’ve got a convention tomorrow.”

“Do you shoot tomorrow?”

“Yes, but… we’ll have time for breakfast and tea in the morning and I’ll stop by your convention after I get done. If you still want to sing with me.”

I chuckled. “I would _love_ to sing with you.” I kissed him and cuddled in next to him “Good night, Tom.”

“Good night, y/n.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sneaked out of the Ritz, wearing the same clothes I sneaked in with. I don’t think it was a Walk of Shame because I wasn’t ashamed to be walking out of Tom’s hotel. But I did hide my face from the photographers outside as I flagged down a cab. Not knowing how long our thing was going to last, I didn’t want them to make any money off of us. I wasn’t interested in the three week media sensation relationship that he had with Taylor Swift. Tom made it clear during breakfast that he was interested in a relationship, not just sex, and I made it clear that anything we had would have to be secret. I wasn’t going to be somebody’s mortgage payment. Tom understood and said he’d have no problem lying to the media, but he wouldn’t lie to his family and closest friends. I agreed to the same.

It seemed a bit absurd to me, as I showered and dressed for the convention, that I had really just begun a relationship with Tom Hiddleston. The buildup to my first night with Jay was slow, several months of teasing and low-key flirting, but Tom… Less than a week. Crazy.

When I got to the con, the first thing I did was track down Adam Malin. “Hey, so, tonight at karaoke, I’d like to do a duet with a buddy of mine instead of Miranda Lambert.”

“Yeah? Who?”

“Well, he hasn’t got anything to do with Supernatural. He’s one of my new Marvel-”

“Who?” Adam pressed. He’s busy. No time for my bullshit.

“Tom Hiddleston. He’d just sing one song with me and then be gone… Well, I’d kinda like for him to hang back stage while I finish karaoke but it’s your show, boss.”

“You’re friends with Loki. Awesome. Sure! What are you planning to sing?”

“Meghan Trainor and John Legend, 'Like I’m Gonna Lose You’.”

“All right. Make sure you bring him around for some autos. The volunteers are gonna fight for one of his pics.”

“Thanks, Adam.” I rushed to the stage, listening intensely while Rob and Rich did the 'Rules of the Con’ thing. I slowly sneaked onto the stage and Richard stopped and looked at me.

“What are you doing?”

“I… just had to come look. I mean, yeah, I have a panel later, but look! Look at the Friday People!” They were whoops and hollers. “And this auditorium, guys… This is the place! You know?”

“Oh, yeah!” Rob caught on. “Richard, she met us for the first time in Atlanta!”

“That’s right! She was here for the very first ATLcon.”

“Exactly! Silver ticket, Row M seat 25… Or 26. I can’t remember. But I spent one of the best weekends of my life in this room, y'all, and I had to come see it from the other side!”

“All right. I enjoy the sentiment but you are taking up my time, yo. Move on back to the back stage. Don’t you have a Meet and Greet soon?” Richard playfully pushed me off the back of the stage and I went with it, heading to the green room.

**********

Tom texted me as I was getting ready for Karaoke and said the line was very long. He was in a disguise, but he was a little worried about being noticed. I told him not to worry about it, that no one would ever expect him to be there. We set up karaoke and let people in. There were several hundred people and I could see Tom standing in the middle of the crowd. He was hard to miss among the shorter masses. He had a hoodie on, and a black baseball cap and sunglasses, and I loved it. The Marvel Disguise. I sent him a meme about the Marvel Disguise and smiled as I walked out onto the stage with Rob and Rich and Briana and Kim. We went through the songs, helping the fans sing and having the fun. Eventually, the screen said ’ **Like I’m Gonna Lose You** ’ Y/n & Tom. “Wait. Who’s Tom?” Rob asked me.

“Oh, just a friend I made this week. I told him about the awesomeness that Friday People are and he wanted to see for himself.” I answered, as the music started and Tom pushed his way toward the stage. “ _I found myself dreamin’, in silver and gold, like a scene from a movie, that every broken heart knows._ ” Tom made it to the stage and easily climbed up. I kept singing but couldn’t help the smile on my face. “ _We were walking on moonlight, and you pulled me close. Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone. I woke up in tears, with you by my side, a breath of relief, and I realized, no we’re not promised tomorrow._ ”

Tom took his hat off, his back to the audience, as Bri handed him her microphone and visibly fangirled over him. He started to remove his hoodie but I kept singing. “ _So, I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you, like I’m saying goodbye. Wherever we’re standing, I won’t take you for granted, 'cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time. So I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you._ ”

Tom’s jacket hit the stage and he turned around. “ _In the blink of an eye, just a whisper of smoke, you could lose everything. The truth is you never know._ ” The audience members who recognized him made sure that those who didn’t recognize him knew exactly who was on stage. They were screaming his name and 'Loki’ and he just turned his attention to me and kept singing and I provided harmony. “ _So, I’ll kiss you longer baby. Any chance that I get. I’ll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets._ ” He grabbed my hand and we danced a bit. I wouldn’t let him pull me too close, though, and I could see that frustrated him a bit. The fans were already gonna be asking about us the next day, I wasn’t going to give them more ammo. “ _Let’s take our time, to say what we want. Use what we got, before it’s all gone, 'Cause, no we’re not promised tomorrow. So, I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you, like I’m saying goodbye. Wherever we’re standing, I won’t take you for granted, 'cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time, so I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you._ ”

“ _Hey. Whoa_.” I sang, letting him pull me close and looking up into his eyes as we got to the last refrain.

“ _I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you, like I’m saying goodbye. Wherever we’re standing, I won’t take you for granted, 'cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time, so I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna love you, like I’m gonna lose you._ ” Tom waved and smiled at the audience.

“Tom motherfuckin’ Hiddleston, everybody!” I announced to the audience, who screamed.

He handed me his mic and leaned down. “It’s 'William’, actually, my middle name. But as you’re a mum, I suppose the other’s not inaccurate.” He whispered into my ear, making me smirk. I pointed him off of the stage and he kissed the top of my head and waved to the audience one final time before walking off stage.

I handed Briana back her microphone and she just looked at me, dumbfounded. “That was Tom Hiddleston! Tall!”

“He’s shorter than Jared.” I commented.

“You know, that’s kinda unfair. You know I’m friends with a Marvel star, too.” Rob complained into his mic.

“I do and it’s so cool that you’re friends with Deadpool, Robbie, but Ryan Reynolds isn’t here, is he?” I said, with a smile.

“Yeah, well… I didn’t know we were allowed to bring friends.”

“Gotta clear it with the boss, first. I’m gonna head off, make sure Tom’s comfy and I’ll be back for the finale. Carry on, y'all.” I grabbed his jacket and bounced off the back of the stage, dropping my microphone off on top of a speaker before going behind the curtain and heading for the green room. Tom was waiting by the door when I walked in. “Hey! You were amazing! Your voice is like velvet!”

He smiled slightly, then nodded his head at one of the couches across the room. “He’s been glaring at me since I came in. Louis, I assume.” He said, in a low voice.

I looked over and gasped. Jensen was sitting on the couch, looking amazing in a pair of dark blue jeans and a short-sleeve blue button-down. “What are you doing here on a Friday?!” I asked, bounding for him.

He stood and wrapped his arms around me. “Your birthday’s tomorrow. Didn’t wanna miss out on your big two-nine. Kinda feelin’ like I might be a third wheel, now, though.” He pulled back and glared daggers over my head. “Can’t believe you invited him to the con.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand, pulling him over to the door where Tom was. “Tom, this is Jensen. Jensen, Tom.”

Tom extended his hand and Jensen took it. I could tell there was a bit of a fight for dominance in that handshake, but I smiled at them, anyway. “It’s a pleasure.” Tom said and Jensen nodded.

“Right.” Jensen pulled his hand back and rubbed his hands together. “So… A drink, y/n/n? I mean, if your _friend_ doesn’t mind.”

“I think a drink is a wonderful idea. Should we wait until the fun is over, or-” Tom answered for me.

“Definitely gotta wait for the finale. Everyone that’s still around sings ’ _Carry On My Wayward Son_ ’ by Kansas. It’s the show’s unofficial theme song. Oh, my god, if Jensen goes out to sing the finale, the audience will freak the fuck out. He’s _never_ here for karaoke!”

“Yeah, uh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea, roomie. I just came early for a drink with you… and I think they’ve probably had enough excitement for one night.”

“Come on, Jay. The fans wills love it.” I said, pulling my very best puppy dog face.

Jensen sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Fuck. You sure do know how to use those eyes on me, don’t you? All right. But after ’ _Carry On_ ’ you and I are grabbing a drink… just the two of us.”

“Um…” I turned to look at Tom, who chuckled.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you have quite a bit to talk about with… your roommate. Meet me back at my hotel afterward?” Tom asked, hopefully.

I swallowed and nodded. “I’ll text you when I’m done. Just to make sure you’re still awake.”

“I’ll put on the strong tea.” He said, with a wink before kissing my cheek and walking away to sneak out.

There was a moment of silence as Jensen followed Tom with his eyes. “So, you’re staying at his hotel, now?”

“No. I’m still at the Holiday Inn Express. I did stay at the Ritz last night, though.” I cleared my throat, knowing what I was admitting to. “And it looks like I might be staying there again tonight.”

“Wow. That was fast. I mean, took _me_ months of flirting with you before we made it to the bedroom.” There was bitterness in his voice and I had to fight down anger at his tone and the implication that I was somehow _easy_ because I’d already gone to bed with Tom.

“Jensen, I had absolutely no self esteem when I met you. I couldn’t even imagine that someone like _you_ was flirting with _me_. But because you did… because you showed me that I was worth the attention of a… a god amongst men, I was able to see it for what it really was when Tom asked me for drinks.”

“Oh, so you’re sayin’ it’s _my_ fault you’re fuckin’ that guy? That… British ginger…” He trailed off his insults before looking down at me.

I nodded. “In a roundabout way… Yeah.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Jay. It’s just… we can’t ever be more than we were. You’re married, and you love her.”

“Yeah, I do, but you and I both know that my love for you didn’t start or stop at the bedroom door.” He said, his voice low.

I bit my lip, then looked away. “But your love for her, and for the kids… it’s all-encompassing. You can’t… Jensen, I will always love you, but I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I would never be more than a-a distraction for your long days away from home. I deserve more than that.”

“I know.” He stepped back and took a deep breath. “It doesn’t mean I gotta like it. I thought we were happy with the arrangement we had.”

“We were… until I wasn’t.”

“'cause you met him.” He accused.

“Because I realized I wanted more.”

Jensen sighed, sad green eyes brimming with tears. “I don’t think I’m gonna stick around for the finale. Sorry. Just not into it.” He started to walk away, but I grabbed his hand.

“Jay, don’t shut down. Please, don’t.”

“What do you want from me, y/n?” He pulled his hand back and shook his head. “If you had told me 'no’ in January, then we could’ve been okay. We could’ve stayed friends but after everything we’ve been through… You are _leaving me_ for Loki, it’s that simple.”

“We weren’t dating, Jensen!” I whispered, furiously. “I was your toy, something to play with when you were away from Danneel.”

“I love you and you know that!” His voice was loud and I couldn’t help worrying someone might’ve heard.

“But you can’t _be_ with me.” I whispered.

His face went soft, sadness pulling at him as he spoke a sentence that hurt both of us. “What if I could? What if… we were really together?”

I looked around, glad there was no one else in the green room. I looked away from him and shook my head. “You’d never leave her and I would never _want_ you to. I don’t want to be a homewrecker and she is your home.” I sighed, cleared my throat, shook my head. “Her and JJ and A-to-Z. I would never want to break that up. But I deserve to be with someone I can tell my family about. I deserve to be with someone for more than just the few weekends we do conventions and the couple weeks I shoot on the show. I’m not gonna be on Supernatural forever, Jay, and what then? I deserve-”

“I know that! I just wish _I_ could be what you deserve.” He said again and it irritated me. It doesn’t matter if he _wants_ to be. He _can’t_ be.

“If I’d met you before 10 Inch Hero… but I never would’ve…” I shook my head again. “Jensen, it’s just not in the cards for us. You should find another mistress, because I am moving on.”

“I don’t want another one. I want _you_.”

“Fuck, Jay.” I sighed. “I’m ready for a grown-up relationship. I’m ready for more than just sex.”

Anger flooded his features. “Is that what you think this was? You can’t really think that’s what you and I had, that that’s _all_ we had.”

“We were never gonna be anything else! We weren’t gonna date, in any conventional sense, or have anything with each other that I could even _tell_ my family or friends about. What we did, for the last eight months, was hide in dark corners and behind bedroom doors and I spent the last two months combating the knowledge that I would never get anything more than that. I tricked myself into thinking this was a good idea because the last time I tried to be someone’s everything, I lost myself in him, but I’m better now. I’m a fuckin’ adult, Jay, and I deserve-”

“I know, y/n!” He shouted. Great. Someone _had_ to have heard that one. Maybe not anybody at karaoke, but one of the volunteers or vendors, definitely. “I get it! But I’m not going to stand here and pretend to like it, because I _don’t_!”

“Keep your voice down!” I hissed. “Fuck, Jensen… I can’t do this. You wanna push me away, you wanna end our friendship over this, you wanna act like I’m-I’m _wronging_ you by stepping away from my status as sanctioned fuck-toy in your life… Fine.” I said, stomping toward the door.

“Oh, 'cause I’m the fucking bad guy, here!” He shouted at my back. “Yeah, Happy fuckin’ Birthday, y/n/n!”

When I opened the door, there were three volunteers standing five feet away and I knew they had been standing at the door, trying to listen in before I opened it. I smiled at them and stepped away, ignoring Clif as he tried to get me to stay long enough to coordinate if he was driving me back to my hotel. I wasn’t going to my hotel. It was a short walk to the Ritz-Carlton, and I simply ignored the photographer hanging by the entrance as I headed for the elevator. He didn’t pay me any mind, either, and why should he? I’m nobody.

Tom opened his hotel door with a smile. “That was a rather short nightcap.”

“I didn’t drink. I didn’t sing the finale. I couldn’t…” I sighed and blinked my eyes, trying to keep from crying. “We fought. He offered to leave his wife, swore he loved me. I told him I’d never let him leave her for me and he… He shouted at me. Eight months, we’ve never had so much as a disagreement and he shouted at me.”

“Come in. I’m making tea, but I feel you may need something stronger.”

I shook my head as I stepped into his suite and he shut the door. “I don’t want anything stronger. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I didn’t text you, like I said I would.”

“You’re upset, that’s why, y/n.” He said, wrapping an arm around me and pushing me toward the couch. “Sit down. Tell me what happened after I left.”

I did what he said as he rushed for his electric kettle. “He got upset that I slept here last night, that I slept with you, and then he got mad when I said that I wanted to have a real grown-up relationship that I could tell my family about and he offered to… to _be_ that relationship. I told him 'no’, that I wouldn’t want to be a homewrecker and then he started to leave and I should have let him, but I didn’t want him to leave angry, so I stopped him. He accused me of leaving him for you and I told him that we weren’t dating, that I was a toy for when he was away from his wife and-”

“He insisted he loved you and wasn’t receptive to your reasoning behind the split. Let it steep.” He put a disposable coffee cup in my hand and sat next to me. “He’s in love. I quite understand how he could be so under your spell, y/n, because I’m under it and I’ve known you less than a week, whereas he’s known you for a year now.”

“But you aren’t married.” I fiddled with the string of the teabag. “Besides, I don’t think you’re… under my spell, Tom.”

Tom smiled, running his hand down my arm. “I’m a man who falls hard when I fall, y/n, but I generally need longer than a night to take that plunge. If you aren’t magic, I don’t know what is.” His hand went to my shoulder. “I know you didn’t want to lose your friendship with him, but if he can’t let you go peacefully, then it’s better this way.”

“He was the most amazing man to ever pay attention to me… until _you_. I just don’t want it to end so badly, you know.”

“I understand, but this might be the best option for a clean break. Let him be angry. Let it be over.”

“But we work together, I stay with him when I’m in Vancouver. This is going to make things so awkward.”

“You can avoid him. As much as possible, anyway.” He pulled the bag from my tea and dropped it in the trash can at the end of the couch. “Give him back the key to his apartment, retrieve your things, and spend the time you’d normally spend with him elsewhere.” He took a drink of his tea and smiled. “It’s going to be all right. I promise.”

I sighed and shook my head in disbelief. “How are you so damn calming? I actually believe that everything’s going to be okay, now.” I took a drink of the tea and leaned back on the couch. “I… I didn’t come here to have sex with you, but… I don’t want to go back to my hotel. Can I sleep here?”

“Of course.” He pressed his lips to my cheek and smiled. “Are you hungry? I could call down to-”

I shook my head. “I have to be up early. I’m the 9 o'clock panel. I just want to forget the whole middle part of the night and move on.” I took out my phone and pulled up Twitter, searching for Jensen’s name. “Shit. Jensen couldn’t be bothered to keep his voice down and now there’s a bunch of fans posting about our fight.”

“Lie to them when they ask. You are an actor, you can make them believe that it was inconsequential.”

“Even feeling like this about it? You overestimate my acting ability.”

“No, you underestimate it. You’ll be fine.” He stood and took my hand, helping me up. “Get some sleep. Everything will look better in the morning light.”

“You’re so calming.”

“When I need to be. Come on.” He led me into the bedroom and we lied down, his arms wrapping around me.


	3. Wrap Party

“Are you okay?” My first audience question of the day was not subtle.  
  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”  
  
“Well, we heard you were arguing with Jensen last night. I wouldn’t be okay after that.”  
  
“Thank you for your concern, sweetheart, but I wasn’t _arguing_ with him. It was a roommate tiff, that’s all. You know, bitching about dishes left in the sink, cap off the toothpaste, don’t hide junk food in the gym, that kinda thing.”  
  
Next was questions about Tom. “No, he’s really awesome. Dude barely knows me but he agreed to come sing with me.”  
  
I spent the day dodging questions about Jay and lying about my connection with Tom. When it came time for the SNS, I switched my song and kept my distance from Jensen, except when they called me on stage to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. I spent the night acting like I was having the time of my life with Os and Ruth. When it was my turn on stage, I sang 'Stay’, a song about being the other woman and being tired of it. Jensen walked up to me as I grabbed a drink after my song. “Real subtle. Can we talk?” He asked, quietly.

“I don’t think we can.” I looked up at him. “I’m not in the mood for more of this. You couldn’t keep things civil when it was just the two of us and I’m not gonna-”  
  
“Y/n, please, come talk to me.” He begged, quietly.  
  
I sighed and followed him out from backstage and into the green room. “We can’t-”  
  
He locked the door behind him and turned to me. “Look, I think we just need to talk about this, okay?”  
  
“We talked about it yesterday.”  
  
“Is there anything I can-”  
  
“No. There’s not. I wanted us to stay friends, but… It’s just not gonna happen, is it? You can’t handle that, can you?”  
  
“I don’t wanna be friends. You’re right. But I don’t want you to hate me.”  
  
I sighed and let some of the tension out of my shoulders. “I couldn’t hate you, Jay. I love you, but… I can’t be with you, anymore.”  
  
“I get that. I mean, your song was crystal clear even if you weren’t. Which, you were. Look… Can we…” He sighed. “When you get back, you’re moving out, aren’t you?”  
  
I nodded. “It’s better that way.”  
  
He shook his head, running his hand through his hair. “No chance of breakup sex, then, huh?”  
  
I will admit that the thought was enticing. I’ve never had breakup sex and sex of any sort with Jay is always enticing, but… Tom and I were already sitting nicely with the label of 'dating’. “I’m with Tom.”  
  
“Then, a kiss.” He said, quietly. It was a request, one I should have refused, but those green eyes were begging me, even if his voice wasn’t.   
  
“Okay.” I whispered and he was on me, immediately, right hand splayed across the back on my head and his left arm wrapped around my middle to hold me against him while he licked into my mouth. I whimpered as I pulled back, trying to pull out of his arms, but he wouldn’t let me. I put my hands on his chest and pushed to put more distance between our bodies. “That’s… it’s… that’s enough for 'goodbye’.”  
  
“Is it? This might be the last kiss we ever share. Is it enough?” He whispered.  
  
I nodded, pushing his arms down to break his hold on me. “It has to be.” I whispered, stepping back away from him.  
  
“I’m sorry, y/n.” Jensen sighed, then ran his hand down his face. “I shoulda never put you in this situation.”  
  
I shrugged. “I agreed to it. I wanted you in whatever way I could have you. Should’ve known it’d fuck our friendship in the end.” I took a deep breath and retreated from the Green Room.  
  
I didn’t hang around after the concert for the SNS After Party. I lingered around just long enough for Richard and Misha to shove a piece of birthday cake in my face, then disappeared before Jensen got drunk, before _I_ got drunk.  
  
Tom lavished me with attention from the moment his door closed behind me, even after I admitted I’d kissed Jensen. He said a kiss didn’t matter, just as long as it hadn’t gone further. I assured him that it hadn’t and his lips and hands returned to me. Tom called it 'birthday sex’ but by the time we were actually having sex, it wasn’t technically my birthday anymore.  
  
“I should probably call my family… my best friend, Connie. I was so caught in the drama and the con, I forgot to return everyone’s birthday calls.”  
  
“Do it tomorrow.” Tom said, pulling my phone from my hand and placing it on his bedside table.  
  
“Tom, come on. I haven’t even gotten the chance to tell anyone about _you_.” I leaned over him, grabbing at my phone, but he rolled us until I was under him, my wrists held down by his hands. “Tom.”  
  
“Do it tomorrow.” He insisted, running his nose across my jaw.  
  
“Tom, since when do you get to tell me what to do?” I asked. I was sure that I didn’t like it, but I was also sure that it wasn’t actually the controlling thing it was coming across as.  
  
“I don’t. I’m just…” He let go of my wrists and leaned up to look me in the eyes. “I want you to sleep. If you start returning calls, you’ll be drawn into many long conversations. You’ll be exhausted tomorrow, too. I’m trying to help you, my dear.”  
  
I nodded, leaned up to press my lips to his, and smiled. “Okay. Tomorrow.”  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I avoided everyone as best I could the next day, focusing on finishing my ops and autos so that I could leave, but Jared cornered me as I left the op room, much to the annoyance of security and the Creation coordinators trying to keep Jared on schedule.   
  
“What the fuck happened?” He whispered.   
  
“I’m sure you already know, Jared.” I dismissed.  
  
“I know shit fuckin’ imploded, but I don’t know _why_!”  
  
“Jensen can explain.”  
  
“And I don’t get to hear both sides?”  
  
“Not _here,_ you don’t. Look, I’ve got enough rumor swirling right now, Jare. Talk to Jensen. If you still wanna hear my side, call me.” I said, slipping away. Of course, I knew that Jared would side with Jensen. I wasn’t expecting to get the friends in the breakup. Jay had years on me with these people. I’d just happily keep up my fun at the cons with the people who didn’t know about me and Jay, and make new friends with Tom’s people… the marvelous Marvel actors. Suddenly, though, I was worried about losing the friends I’d made in The Family and it surprised me that I hadn’t considered losing them before I blew up my existence.   
  
No. I didn’t blow up my existence. I made a rational, adult decision that I shouldn’t feel bad about making. I did what was right by me and I shouldn’t feel bad about doing it. I deserve… I deserve whatever I want.   
  
I called my mom as soon as I got out of the con hotel, explaining about being super busy and apologizing for not calling her after I got out of the con the night before. “Oh, honey, it’s okay. I just know that Nova wanted to say Happy Birthday over Skype and we didn’t get a chance, so she’s been mopey all day.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I’ve only got a few more weeks here and then she’ll get to see me in person, so that’ll be good. Um, so… you know I started work on the Marvel stuff this week, right?” Of course she did, but how else was I supposed to segue into the juicy news? She responded with an affirmative sound, so I nodded. “So, I started talking to Tom Hiddleston on set and then we had some drinks and… long story short, I have a boyfriend.”  
  
There was silence for a moment before, “Loki?”  
  
“Yeah. Loki. I don’t want anybody but the family to know, so please, don’t tell anybody, but yeah. I am dating Tom.”  
  
“That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! You do have a thing for skinny, tall guys, don’t you?”  
  
“Tom’s actually pretty buff, you know.” I defended, rolling my eyes.   
  
Giving the happy news to my best friend was easy… kinda. She was excited that I was finally 'touching a butt’, but she was pretty pissed that I’d “stolen Loki” from her. I apologized and I promised to tell her everything once I made it back to Florida in another week and a half. That week and a half flew by in a flurry of sex and work. Jared texted me the Monday after the con, just telling me he understood and he’d still be around if I needed. It was honestly very soothing for me to know he was still there for me. Jensen might not be, but Jared was still my friend… at least in VanCity and on the con circuit, anyway.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I didn’t want to go to the wrap party. There were going to be a lot of Marvel bigwigs, and a lot of actors I was nervous just thinking about being in the same room with. And, of course, Tom was going to be there, too, and we were going to have to pretend we barely cared enough to call each other 'friends’. It was hard enough that we had communicated purely through texts and late-night phone calls since the con; seeing him and not being able to talk to him… well, that was gonna be torture. I mentioned to Tom that I didn’t want to go and his response was **'What? You have to come! I haven’t seen you in three weeks! Is it the travel? If you don’t want to drive, I’ll cover your airfare.’  
  
It’s not the travel and you know I’d hate for you to drop money on me like that.**

**I’m happy to do it. I want to see you, even if it’s from across a crowded bar while we pretend we barely know one another.**

**That’s gonna suck so much.  
  
After party at my hotel?  
  
Do you even have to ask?   
  
I suppose not. I can’t wait to see you.  
  
So, what should I wear? I’ve never been to a wrap party.**

**It’s casual. Most will be in jeans and t-shirts. Some of the ladies will be in dresses, though nothing formal.  
  
Gotcha.   
  
So, you’ll definitely be here?  
  
Yeah. Call me when you get back to the hotel.  
  
Of course.**

When I showed up at the Campagnolo, I was dressed up, but not too much. I chose a black skirt and a red blouse, went modest on the makeup but actually paid a salon to curl my hair and twist it into a gorgeous up-do. The part of the outfit that made it for me, and honestly I did it just for Tom, was a pair of boots with five-inch heels. I bought them just for the party, spent a week learning how to walk and dance in them. The bouncer had to flip four pages to find my name on the guest list, but he eventually let me in and I made my way to the open bar.   
  
“Hey, welcome to the party. What can I get you?” The bartender asked.   
  
“Uh, let’s start with a rum and coke.”  
  
“So, what do I know you from?” He asked as he gave a generous pour of liquor to my drink.  
  
“I’m a witch on _Supernatural_.”  
  
“Tara! Right. You are a bright spot on that show. They ever gonna get you and Dean together?”  
  
I fought the urge to bite my lip, not wanting to mess up my lipstick. “Probably not. I’m, actually, not sure exactly what the plan for Tara is.”  
  
“What? I thought all the hot chicks ended up with Dean.”  
  
“Don’t let the makeup fool you. I’m not hot.”  
  
“You’re gorgeous.” He said, smiling as he placed my drink on the bar in front of me.  
  
“Why, thank you.” I said, sashaying away from the bar. I could see Tom on the other side of the restaurant, smiling and laughing with two of the Chrises and RDJ and Scarjo. I could see Tom Holland nursing a Coke while listening intently to Mark Ruffalo and Sebastian Stan. I moved through the crowd to sit at a lone empty booth.   
  
My phone buzzed in my clutch and I pulled it out. **I hate to see you sitting there, by yourself, looking so beautiful.** I looked around. I definitely wasn’t in his line of sight, tucked into my booth around the corner from him, with a crowd of people standing in front of my table. My eyes went up, catching a mirror across the way and near the ceiling.   
  
**The mirror?** I sent back.  
  
 **You should come join my table. You have every right to be a party to this conversation.**  
  
I rolled my eyes. **I have no rights to be in that conversation, Tom. I’m not big enough for that. Also, I’ve already got MY fans thinking we’re a couple, if your friends catch on, the media might, too.**  
  
 **Fine. But you look lonely.  
  
It’s okay, babe. I’m only here for the after party.**

“You’re the new blood, right? The _Supernatural_ chick?” A familiar voice asked. I looked up and my eyes went wide at who was sliding into the booth with me.   
  
“Y-yeah. Uh, it’s y/n. Nice to meet you, Mr. Pratt.”  
  
“Call me 'Chris’. It gets confusing but that’s half the fun.”  
  
 **Are you trying to make me jealous?  
  
He just sat down. I didn’t even do anything.** I responded quickly, before turning back to Chris. “So, you looked lonely over here by yourself. Why aren’t you mingling?”  
  
“You’re joking, right? I’m a small-time TV actress in a bar full of big-time movie stars. What, do I just walk up and say 'Hi, you’re not gonna have anything in common with me and I’m probably gonna fall off the face of the Earth in a couple months 'cause I’m a nobody, but I’d like to be a part of your conversation’?”  
  
“You’re not a nobody. I hear Marvel sent Sarah up to cast you a thousand miles away.”  
  
“You heard that, huh?”  
  
 **He’s flirting.  
  
No, he’s not. Shut up. He’s just being friendly**. I smiled and kept up a conversation with Chris while sipping at my rum and Coke and keeping up my conversation with Tom via text.  
  
 **Friendly? Like I was when we first met.  
  
No. Come on.  
  
Yes, because Louis and I are both wrong. You aren’t worth the attention of an attractive man.  
  
Hey… that’s not nice.  
  
Not true, either. He’s hoping to get you in bed.   
  
How well do you know this Chris?  
  
Well enough. He’s been sleeping with quite a few women since his split from Anna. **

  


I smiled, politely, at Chris and excused myself to go up to the roof where the smokers had been congregating. I needed the fresh air. “I’m deeply impressed that you can walk in those boots.” Tom suddenly appeared beside me as I leaned over the roof ledge, looking at the city.  
  
“You shouldn’t be talking to me.” I muttered, sneaking a look at him from my peripheral vision. Damn, he looked good.  
  
“I shouldn’t say 'hello’ to the woman who’s in several scenes with me?” He whispered.  
  
“You shouldn’t care. Shouldn’t even notice me.” I said, but I turned to him, anyway. “You look so good, Tom.”  
  
“As do you. Can’t wait to get a hand in those curls and ruin your lipstick. Were it not for the technical assistants behind us and the photographers on the building across the road, I’d push that skirt up and take you right here.” His voice was so low that it was almost a growl and it made my mouth water.  
  
“Tom.” It was supposed to be a warning but it came out too breathless to work as intended.  
  
He smiled, brightly, his charming self shining through as he offered his hand to me. “Next time we see one another, of course.” We shook hands and he departed down the stairs to the bar as I took a big gulp of air into my lungs to calm myself down.  
  
That’s the picture that made it into InTouch. Me, looking flustered as Tom shook my hand. The moment before, Tom walking up and talking to me, that made People, but neither suggested that my red cheeks were anything other than a reaction to his looks and station. I went back downstairs and made effort to talk to anyone I didn’t recognize from film or television, all the while texting with Tom. That is, until Pratt walked past with Vin Diesel. “Hey. Y/n. Have you met Vin?”  
  
“No. Not yet.” I offered my hand and the buff man took it. “Y/n. Huge fan. When are we getting another ’ _Witchhunter_ ’ movie?”   
  
“You _liked 'Last Witchhunter’_?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, not at first, 'cause I thought it was one of those 'all witches are bad’ movies. But Rose Leslie changed my mind. Her dreamwalker character is badass. And almost anything Elijah Wood plays is gold… and then I heard that it was based off of your D&D character and the geek in me had to check it out, you know?”  
  
“All right. I’ve found a new friend. You play?” Vin asked as Pratt walked away.  
  
“Yeah! I mean, my DM is always busy but when I get to play, I love it. Been playing 3.5 since I was a little kid.”  
  
“Well, next time I game, you’re invited. What’s your character?”  
  
“My favorite character is a halfling cum Kender Bard named Lyric. Lyric the Dragon-Killer.”  
  
“A halfling Bard called Dragon-Killer? Bardic license?”  
  
“No, she killed it. It’s actually a pretty epic tale.” I smirked as I went into story-teller mode. “So, it was down to me and this guy playing a Dire Bear.” His eyebrows shot up. “Yeah, my old DM slash ex-husband allowed that bullshit. Anyway, everyone else in the party was knocked out, taking subdual damage. Dire Bear drops the ball on Initiative and I got a Crit, so I go first. Lyric has one shot. If that thing hits her with _anything_ , she’s dead. Her armor is leather, she’ll be deep-fried Kender in seconds, so I have the options of hide or attack.”  
  
“But she’s a Kender. No fear.”  
  
“Exactly. So, she shoots him with her Hoopak sling. Nat 20, highest damage possible and it just happened to be just enough to kill the thing. Hence, Lyric the Dragon-Killer.”  
  
“Do you play her super annoying?”  
  
“Oh, yeah!” I smirked. “Oh, and I play character immersion, so I become Kender Bard.”  
  
“Oh, you’ll fit right in at my game. Give me your phone. I’ll text mine so we’ll have each other’s numbers.” I handed my phone over and let Vin fiddle with it for a minute, before _his_ phone buzzed. “Nice. It’s good to have another gamer on the Marvel team. There’s not a lot of us in Hollywood.” He handed my phone back and stood. “I’ll text with details next campaign.” He smiled and walked away.  
  
“You should come meet Robert.” Tom was suddenly at the end of the table where I was sitting.   
  
“As in 'Downey Jr.’? Are you crazy?”  
  
“This is your last opportunity before the premiere and I’m sure you’ll have other things to worry about then. Come meet him, and say 'hello’ to Scarlett and Chris Hemsworth.”  
  
“Why them?”  
  
“Well, because they’re sitting together. You’ve met Chris before and Scarlett doesn’t like women and Robert and Chris are both married.” He said, grasping my elbow and helping me out of the seat. “I don’t have to feel jealous of any of them.”  
  
“Oh, but you know I can turn married men.” I whispered.  
  
“Not these ones. You don’t have the time or intimacy to do that.”  
  
“Oh, I was wondering where you were.” Chris said, sitting forward. “This is y/n. She plays Sinthea Schmidt and a witch named Tara on TV.”  
  
I like the way he says my character’s name, with an 'aw’ instead of an 'ah’. “I don’t think we’re supposed to say that out loud, Mr. Hemsworth.”  
  
“Oh, well. Even if someone hears, it’s nothing compared to the spoilers Mark and little Tom are always dropping.”  
  
“Guess that’s true.” I cleared my throat, a bit nervously. “Mr. Downey, it’s such an honor. I’ve been a fan of yours for years. Since I was a little girl watching Ally McBeal with my mom.”  
  
“Wow. I can’t believe you remember I was on Ally McBeal. I barely remember I was on Ally McBeal. Drugs’ll do that, though.” I tensed, unsure how to respond. “It’s okay when I bring it up.”  
  
“Oh. Okay. Sorry. Don’t exactly know the etiquette there. Don’t meet a lot of recovered addicts.”  
  
“Recovering.” Robert corrected. “An addict is never recovered. He’s _always_ an addict.”  
  
“Okay. Good to know.”  
  
“So, now that we’re wrapped… what’s your plan, y/n?” Scarlett asked, sipping at something pink.  
  
“Go home, spend as much time with my daughter as I can before I gotta fly out again. They signed me on for the press tour and then, right before the premiere, _Supernatural_ has me scheduled to start filming again and the show runner said my part is more 'substantial’ this season, so…”   
  
“What about you, Tom? Back to London?” Chris asked. Something about the sparkle in the Aussie’s eyes made me suspicious, but Tom just leaned back in his chair and answered.  
  
“Eventually, of course, but I want to vacation a bit before I head home. See what the American South has to offer. I hear Northwestern Florida is beautiful and mostly untouched.”  
  
“Northwestern Florida? Isn’t that where you’re from, y/n?” Chris asked.  
  
I smiled. “Nope. I’m from North Carolina.” I lied.  
  
“Oh. I must’ve heard you wrong.”   
  
“Yup.” I said, resolutely.  
  
They stared at me for a few moments, before Robert nodded. “Well, she stands up to scrutiny well. She’s ready for interviews.”  
  
I turned my head to glare slightly at my ginger. “When did you tell them?”  
  
“About an hour ago.” He admitted with a smirk. “Chris got nosy about who I kept texting, made me tell them.”  
  
“Not nosy, curious.”  
  
“You stole my phone, asked who was in as 'Titania’ and threatened to post screencaps of my conversation to the internet if I didn’t tell you.”  
  
“You have me in your phone as 'Titania’?” I asked, blushing.  
  
“It was that or 'Hecate’, but I thought you more like the Fae queen than the witch.”  
  
“Ah, look at them. They’re so cute.” Scarlett said, with a smirk.   
  
“You said I could tell my close friends and I promise they won’t tell the media.”  
  
I chuckled. “Guess it’s my fault that I only had two friends to tell.”  
  
“That’s not true. You could have told your friends from your conventions.”  
  
“Oh, yeah. They can keep a secret.” I responded sarcastically as the song being played turned to Taylor Swift’s 'Gorgeous’. Tom stiffened, immediately, and I had to resist the urge to hug him, opting for patting his hand, instead. I looked around the table. Everyone was sitting awkwardly, as well. “Awkward moment.”  
  
Robert slapped Chris’ chest, who nodded and stood. “Hey, DJ! Change the song!”  
  
There were a few seconds of silence as the DJ killed the music and tried to pick one of comparable energy. Ed Sheeran’s 'Shape of You’ took its place. “You didn’t have to do that.” Tom insisted as Chris took his seat.  
  
“No, you’re right. We should’ve sat here, awkwardly, listening to your ex-girlfriend sing about leaving you for a younger man.” Robert rolled his eyes.  
  
“I’ve always wondered what she did to fuck up your relationship. Guess I should’ve paid more attention to her lyrics.” Tom smiled, sadly. “Well, I think you’re much cuter than Joe Alwyn.”  
  
Tom smiled, earnestly. “Well, you _do_ have a thing for gingers.”  
  
“Damn right!” I giggled. “Well, her loss is my surreptitious gain.”  
  
“Oh, they’re ridiculously cute. You _sure_ you wanna keep this tooth-melting sweetness under wraps?” Scarlett asked.  
  
I blushed. “I’m not ready for the media to be all up in my love life, yet. Also, I’m a bit terrified of Tom’s fans. If _Supernatural_ fans are obsessive, Hiddlestoners are certifiable.” Tom opened his mouth to argue, but I kept talking. “And I really don’t wanna be a meme.”  
  
“A meme?” Chris asked, drinking his beer.  
  
“Yeah. When he was dating Taylor, there was a whole slew of 'He’s adopted’ memes.”  
  
“Oh, I remember those!” Scarlett smirked around her straw.  
  
“I think that was mainly to do with her reputation.” Tom spoke up.  
  
“And for me, it’d be to do with my weight, height or my status as a divorced, single mom. They’d attack me, or they’d make fun of me and I’m not courting either option right now. I’m more than happy to keep this quiet.”  
  
“No 'I heart y/n’ tank tops for you.” Robert pointed at Tom, who chuckled.  
  
“I suppose I can hold back on my displays of affection. I’ve done so for nearly a month, now.”  
  
“So, tell us the cute-meet.” Scarlett demanded.  
  
Tom looked at me to see if I wanted to tell the story, but I could tell he wanted to do the honors. “Go ahead, man. I’d never deprive you the opportunity to bore your friends.”  
  
Tom smiled, brightly, and leaned forward. “She was standing on the lot, trying to look small and insignificant. Small’s not a problem for her, of course. I was admiring her beauty as I passed and she ducked her head. Obviously, shy. I had to talk to her, didn’t I? Shyness is a rare quality in the profession of narcissists. So, I stopped, made a suggestive comment on her character being called 'Sin’. I expected her to blush and move away from the exchange, but she stepped past her shyness faster than I expected, called me out on my flirting. That’s when I knew I _had_ to ask her to drinks.”  
  
“Not just drinks. Drinks at Lava, in the VIP. Never been to a place like Lava, never been in any VIP.”  
  
“Aw, he was trying to impress you!” Scarlett cooed.  
  
Tom gave an embarrassed chuckle and smiled. “I see that regret sneaking in, Tom. You sure you wanna tell this story?” I asked.   
  
He nodded. “Of course, I do. No regrets. Of course I was trying to impress her.” He reached out and placed his hand on my thigh and I let it rest there for a moment before pushing it off, fearing someone might see. He looked at his hand, sadly, for a minute before he continued. “She’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”  
  
“I’m gonna call bullshit on that.” I took a drink of my rum and coke, and gestured around the table. “You’re, literally, sitting right in front of Scarlett Johanson. _And_ I’ve seen the way you look at Brie Larsen.”  
  
“Fine. You’re _not_ the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. Are you satisfied?”  
  
“You know how I feel about lying. Just couldn’t abide you lying to your friends.”  
  
Tom rolled his eyes before continuing. “I would’ve taken her back to the Ritz that night, but she wouldn’t let me. She made me wait.”  
  
“Played hard-to-get?” Robert asked.  
  
“Nah. I was pretty sure he’d change his mind about me by the next day, 'cause even drunk I recognize my own worth, so I gave him a chance to…”  
  
“Run?” Chris provided.  
  
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess. But this one didn’t have the good sense to distance himself from me. We had a good day on the lot and finished it out with way too much food and quoting _The Princess Bride_ as we watched it. It was… pretty perfect.”  
  
“We didn’t actually _finish_ the movie.” Tom whispered.  
  
I blushed, deeply, knowing the rest of the group had heard. “Well, after Inigo beats Count Rugen, the movie’s pretty much over.”   
  
“She _is_ very cute when she blushes.” Chris said, which made me blush further.  
  
“What time is it?” Tom asked. I looked at his wrist, which showed his expensive Omega Speedmaster watch. I pulled my phone out of my lap and tuned on the screen. He pulled it out of my hand and checked the time before placing it back in my hand. “You should call your daughter before it gets too late.”  
  
I smiled as I felt his room key that was slipped behind my phone case. “You’re right.” I nodded.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
“God, you look so bloody gorgeous tonight. Leave the boots on.” Tom instructed as he pulled his plain black tee off and started to pull at the button of his dark jeans.   
  
“My feet are killing me, Tom.” I whined as he kissed me.  
  
“You won’t be _on_ your feet. You’ll be on your back, or your knees.” He said against my lips.  
  
I kept the boots on. I didn’t want to disappoint him. He seemed to actually enjoy the way the stilettos dug into his lower back as he fucked me into his mattress. I felt bad that I’d made him bleed, but he just showered afterward and asked me to put a bandage over the wound, before pulling me into his arms and sinking into his blankets. “So, I’m sure you caught this earlier but I’d like to come home with you… meet your family, learn your hometown.”  
  
I smiled at him. “Of course I caught it… and I’d like that. I think my best friend will kinda freak out, though. She was… we’ll just say she’s a major Loki stan.”  
  
“Stan?”  
  
“Fan. Obsessive fan.”  
  
“Isn’t that redundant?”  
  
“Yeah… it’s the internet, what do you want from me?”  
  
He chuckled, an obviously dirty thought crossing his mind. “I’ve already gotten what I want from you tonight. I’ll get some more in the morning.”  
  
I laughed. “Okay. You do know I’m driving, right? If you’re coming with me, we’ll be taking a five hour road trip together. Do you think our relationship can handle that sort of strain?”  
  
“We shall see.” 


	4. Announcement

**Chapter Warnings:** **18+ HERE BE SEX, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** fingering, Dom/Sub relationship, Tom is Dom, slight choking, controlling behavior (cause Tom is Dom), mentions of depression and depressive drinking, 

* * *

The drive was much easier with Tom in the car, ratty black tee and threadbare jeans making him look ever so comfortable in the passenger seat. We spent the entire ride talking about family, about what he needed to expect from mine, from Connie, from Nova. Then we sang along with my Spotify playlist. Then his.

We pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house and I took a deep breath. “Are you all right?”

I bit my lip and nodded. “It’s just… you know, last time I brought a guy home, it was Nate… and they hated him from the get.”

“Are you afraid they’re going to hate me?”

“I’m sure they won’t, but if they _did_ … I would _have_ to listen to them. Because Nate was such a disaster, right, that I could have avoided if I had just listened to them.”

“But Nate and Nova forced growth in you, catalyzed change. As did Jensen.”

I looked down. I hadn’t seen Jensen, and had tried to keep him from my mind, since I dropped his key off at the set. At set was determined to be the safest place to see him. He’d taken the key without a word and I’d just nodded as I turned and walked away.

“Don’t mention him to them. None of them know what was going on. Well, my mom accused me of having an emotional affair with him, because she noticed he called me every night after he got done shooting… which I guess isn’t completely wrong based on how he acted after I met you… but according to them, I haven’t had anybody since Nate, so…” I pushed the car door open and stepped out, Tom following as I walked toward the door, which slung open to reveal Nova. “ _Supernova_!” I yelled, dropping to my knees so that she could run to me and jump into my arms.

“Mommy!” She screamed, knocking me over with the force of her jump. “I missed you!”

“Oh, I missed you, too, baby!” I stood, my arms wrapped around her, and turned to Tom. “Nova, this is Mommy’s friend, Tom. Remember how I told you about him?”

“Yeah, he’s your boyfriend.” Nova said, forcing a chuckle from Tom.

“She’s very smart.”

“Yeah, well, I was a genius before I got dumbed down by laziness and depression. I mentioned I was reading and understanding Shakespeare at her age, right?”

“Well, _Midsummer Night’s Dream_ isn’t exactly that hard to follow, is it?”

“Hey! Don’t make me dump you when you came all this way to meet my parents.” I joked, before grabbing his hand and pulling him into the house. “Hey, y'all, I’m home!”

“Y/n!” My mom greeted, hugging me and Nova at the same time.

“This is Tom.” I reached up and patted his shoulder.

“Mrs. Y/l/n, it’s an unabashed pleasure to meet you. Your daughter is a shining light of intelligence and beauty.”

The moment my mother fell in love with Tom was showcased by her blush. Okay, so nothing to worry about. “You really go for the tall ones, don’t'cha?” My dad said as he entered the living room.

“Be nice. At least this one’s a gentleman.” Mom scolded.

“In the streets, anyway.” I muttered, under my breath.

“So, you met on set?” My mom asked, ushering Tom to sit on the couch.

“You _know_ we did.” I rolled my eyes. “Go ahead, Tom. You like telling this story so much.”

“Shall I alter it for your parents’ benefit?”

“Nah. They know I’m a dirty old woman. I’m sure they’d believe you if you told them I gave it up on the second date.” I said, walking up the stairs with Nova on my hip.

“I assumed that was something unique to our relationship.” I heard Tom muse.

“Oh, definitely. She’s generally just a dirty old lady in her writings.” My dad responded. I dropped Nova to her feet on the top step and ran back down to the living room.

“Tom doesn’t need to know about that, yet!”

Tom smiled up at me. “Your fanfictions? I know about them. Someone sent a link to your story about Loki to me the night I sang with you.”

“And you still want me? You don’t think I’m a weirdo?”

“Incredibly articulate and grammatically pleasing with a good grasp on the characterizations of Loki and Thor… I quite enjoyed it.”

I gaped at him for a minute. “You… you read it? Nobody else ever… I mean, you _liked_ it?”

“It was very good. You seem incredibly concerned with maintaining the canon of the MCU while bringing in just enough information from the comic books to flesh out the story and remedy the perceived faults in the timeline.”

“I… thank you, Tom. That means a lot.”

“I’d love to read more of your writing sometime.” His eyes sparkled at me from across the room and I laughed, loudly.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Most of my stuff is _Supernatural_ and a lot of it is reader-inserts for female readers, so…”

“You could let him read the first five chapters of your murder mystery.” Dad suggested.

“Oh, a murder mystery? Do you have it readily available?” Tom asked.

I blushed. “I guess I can get it for you.”

He followed me up to my bedroom and shut the door behind him. He smiled as he looked around the walls. “Well, the decor hasn’t been updated in quite a while, has it?”

“You know I didn’t expect to have to come back to live with my parents. The divorce just… took away my options. Didn’t want to spring for new decor when I couldn’t even afford my own place.” I pointed at the Green Day posters. “And Green Day rocks, so fuck you.”

He chuckled, his trademark ‘he-he-he’, eyes roaming down my body. He reached behind him and locked the door. “If you insist.” He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me backward onto my king bed, the one piece of furniture I fought to keep in the divorce. It was just a box spring and a mattress settled on the ground. When I was fat, I hated the sound of a bed frame groaning under my weight and I just never bought one after I lost the weight.

“Tom, we can’t.”

“Of course we can. The door’s locked. I can be quiet. Can’t you?”

“Yeah, but my parents are right downstairs and they, literally, just met you. Is this the first impression you want to give them?” I whispered as he pushed me onto the bed and covered my body with his.

“I’d think they’d _want_ you with someone who can take care of all of your needs.” He responded, running his hands down my sides. “Besides, you said they know you’re a dirty woman.”

“Yeah, but that’s more metaph-fuck!” I whispered as his hand slipped into the front of my pants, long fingers easily finding and rubbing at my clit.

“I know you can be quieter than that, darling.” He whispered in my ear before starting to nibble and suck at my neck. “You don’t really want me to stop, do you?”

“Yes… no.” I buried my hand in his hair and held him at the spot on my neck he usually doesn’t give enough time to. “Fuck, right there.” He pulled my jeans down my legs, sliding down my body with them, biting at the inside of my thigh as he went. As I tried to hold in my moans, my eyes fell on another one of my posters: one with three men and ‘Join The Hunt’ on it. “Tom, stop.” I pulled his hair and pointed at the poster. “Jensen’s watching me.”

Tom scoffed and stood, ripping the poster from the wall. “Shouldn’t still have your ex-lover on your wall, anyway.” He grumbled at me since I was obviously offended by his treatment of my stuff.

“Yeah, but I’ve had that poster for years and you just-”

“Quiet.” He demanded, his voice low and resolute as his fingers hooked in my underwear and he pulled them down.

“Bossy.” I responded, breathlessly, as he sunk two fingers into me with no fanfare.

As he started to work his fingers in and out of me, he moved up my body and wrapped the fingers of his left hand around my neck, just hard enough to put pressure but not enough to hinder my breathing. “Sometimes, y/n, you seem like you need to be told what to do. I’m just giving you what you need.”

“Tom, I-”

His hand tightened, just slightly. “I said, ‘quiet’.” His voice made me shiver.

I nodded. I wasn’t sure what else to do. Sure, Tom was always passionate, especially in bed, and he’d always kind of controlled the situation, but this was different. This was Tom easing us into a Dom/sub relationship, which wasn’t something I’d ever wanted.

“If you’re good, y/n, if you keep quiet… I’ll let you cum. Do you want to cum?” He asked, after he’d been working me for about ten minutes. I nodded. “Words, darling. You can speak when I ask something of you.”

“Please.” I whined, and it kind of amazed me that I fell into that role so easily, following directions and eager to please.

He chuckled, letting his thumb just barely sweep across my clit. “‘Please’, what?”

“Please, make me cum.”

“Add a ‘sir’ to that sentence for good measure, Dear.”

“Please, make me cum, sir.” I breathed out.

“Go on, then.” He pressed his thumb down firmly and I saw stars. My body went rigid and I twitched and spasmed around his fingers, but I didn’t make noise. I was quiet. “Well, look. She doesn’t like being told what to do, but she’s very good at following directions. Get dressed. I’m going to wash my hands.”

I was leaning against the wall next to the door when he exited the bathroom. “What the hell was that?” I whispered.

“Something I thought we’d both enjoy. I was right, wasn’t I?”

“You can’t just spring Dom shit on a woman. What if _I_ was a Dom?”

He chuckled. “You’re _not_.”

“That’s rude. I could be.”

“I’ll give it to you that you might be a switch if the circumstances were right, but you aren’t Dom, darling.” He cupped my cheek and smiled. “You, my dear, _sweet_ y/n, were made to kneel.”

“Don’t Loki at me, you jerk.”

“Why not?” He pushed me harder into the wall. “Because we both know what it does to you?” I bit my lip and looked up into his eyes. He smirked. “See? Submissive.”

I pushed him back away from me, feeling irritated. “Oh, shut it.”

He chuckled. “Don’t feel bad. You come by it honestly. Your mum’s one, too.”

“Excuse me? How could you possibly know that?” Okay, he wasn’t wrong. I’ve known my parents were D/s since I found the ball-gag and paddle in their closet, but it baffled me that _he_ figured it out so quick.

“Her choker, which says ‘Doll’, I believe. Don’t worry. I won’t make you wear one.”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Tom. You know I wouldn’t wear anything I didn’t want to.”

“But you’d want to if _I_ gave it to you, wouldn’t you?” He smiled. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know that. Fine, but… we have to have a talk about what I’m okay with… establish safe words and whatnot.”

“Tonight. For now, I’d like to take you and Nova to lunch.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’d been home, chilling with Tom and Nova and my parents, for a few weeks when a fan sent me a link on Twitter to a tumblr post titled **‘A theory that’s gonna get me a lot of hate: Jensen Ackles cheated on his wife.’**

I clung to the word 'theory’ as I started to read.

’ **I know people are gonna give me shit about this and I kinda feel like a tin-hat by saying it, but I think it’s different because it seems like the tin-hats _want_ what they’re saying to be true and I _hope_ I’m wrong. But let’s check the receipts, okay?**

**A year and a few months ago, y/f/n y/l/n joined the show. An incredibly attractive young actress who is a documented Jensen stan (About 24:30 on ~~this video~~ , where she talks about almost passing out the first time she met him). That is the story of a woman who’d sell her soul to a demon for a single night with the man she’s describing, but somehow they ended up _friends_?**

**Okay. We might be able to chalk that up to Jensen’s welcoming nature, I guess, but it’s kinda weird that Jared and Jensen don’t hang out with their other friends like they did with y/n. Even with misha, we don’t get a lot of pictures of them hanging out off-set or away from conventions. She partied with them, hung out on set even on days she didn’t need to be there, ate lunch or dinner with them every freaking day, ran lines in Jensen’s trailer ( ~~this video~~ where she talks about running lines). I’m gonna call this 'The Buttering-up’ stage. Jensen knew she had terrible self-esteem (about 34:10 into ~~this video~~ ) and he had to get her comfy around him before he came onto her, or she’d never believe it.**

**I think it probably started right before or right after JaxCon, 'cause that’s when she moved into his apartment in Vancouver. ( ~~this clip~~ from SeaCon). Come on! They were roommates! (cue tumblr echo: _They were roommates!_ ) and over the next eight months we were treated to pictures like this: Standing way too close together to be innocent, inappropriate skin contact, is that his hand on her ass while they’re singing 'Hotel California’? I think it is! Is that his hand on her thigh in this steakhouse in Vancouver? Looks like it, to me. Oh, and this scene from the season 13 blu-ray extras. Check the background. I can’t be the only one who sees how sexually aggressive that stance is. That’s a stance that screams, 'I’m gonna fuck you 'til you can’t walk straight’. If this were a sexual harassment seminar, that’d be the 'what not to do’ with your way younger coworker who idolizes you and whom you have the power to get fired. This stance is a 'Me Too Movement’ no-no.**

**Eight months of that shit, then nothing. Since AtlCon, since y/n’s birthday, they’ve all but ignored each other. No fun back-and-forths on Twitter, no lunches where they sit too close together, no singing together at Saturday Night Special… hell, she’s been put down as 'Friday/Saturday only’ for the next several cons and she was seen loading all of her stuff up into a storage pod a couple weeks after her birthday. Their 'friendship’ seems to be dead.**

**So, what happened? Tom Hiddleston happened. I know y/n says they’re just friends, but she sang ~~that duet~~ with him, and you could totally tell there was attraction there. And not a half an hour later, several volunteers and vendors take to Twitter to say y/n and Jensen were fighting. One said he heard Jensen say, “I love you. You know that.” Then, she forgoes her normal Reba or Heart song to sing Sugarland’s 'Stay’ for the ~~SNS~~. For those that don’t know, that’s a song about the other woman ending an affair because she deserves more out of life. Coincidence? Maybe.**

**Maybe this is all bullshit and my brain’s making patterns where there are none. But maybe Jensen’s a human being who doesn’t get to see his wife very often and he did something stupid. Maybe y/n was just as lonely, if not more so (I mean, she has been divorced for years and has said that she hasn’t had so much as a boyfriend since her divorce). Maybe she couldn’t say no to Jensen fucking Ackles, because who the fuck _could_? Maybe they had an affair that ended when she met Tom Hiddleston. Maybe that’s why it seems like they haven’t spoken in two months.**

**Or maybe they’re still good friends and her work with Marvel is keeping her too busy to hang. Maybe they were never as good of friends as they made it seem. Maybe I’m just completely wrong about all of this, but look at it. It makes sense.**

I read over it, looked at all of the pictures, my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sent the link to Jared with a half dozen exclamation points. Twenty minutes of pacing in my parents’ kitchen later, Jared called. “That’s crazy.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say to me? ‘That’s crazy’?”

Jared chuckled in my ear. “Y/n, she’s got nothin’ but fuckin’ theories. She has no evidence. All of her pictures are blurry. It’s conjecture.”

“But she’s right! How could she be so fucking right?”

“‘Cause some of our fans are really fucking smart, y/n, and they’ve got active and creative imaginations. I mean, you’ve read the fanfictions… you’ve written the fanfictions. Jensen says not to worry about it.”

I bit my lip and sighed, thinking about Jensen’s reaction to it. “How is he?” I couldn’t help but ask.

There was a moment of silence before he sighed. “He misses you. He seems kinda depressed.” I took a deep breath to stave off the feeling of guilt. “He’s drinking a lot… and for a guy who owns a fucking brewery, a lot is… a lot.”

“You have to stop him, Jare. You need to-”

“Don’t act like I’m not the one here trying to help him, y/n. I _am_. I have been trying to help him, but he’s… he’s been resistant. Which, you know, isn’t your fault, but-”

“I know you’re there for him, Jared, it’s just… maybe he needs a break. Maybe you could talk to Dabb for him. Maybe they could give him a few weeks. Or maybe…” I rolled my eyes. “You know how he gets when he doesn’t have any stress relief. He probably just needs to get laid. Help him find a new one.”

“A new _you_?”

“Yeah. A new mistress. Someone pretty.” I looked down. “Prettier than me. Pretty like Danneel.”

“It’s not that easy, y/n. He can’t just _find_ someone to replace you. Do you realize how long it took to find someone he was attracted to that his wife approved of? Someone who would work to keep it under wraps, who’d freak out if a fan started rumors? You were a fuckin’ unicorn for him. There’s not gonna be another you.” I shook my head. That really wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “And, look, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I understand why you had to leave, but… you’re irreplaceable and Jensen’s just gonna have to deal with it.”

“Yeah. Okay. Look, I gotta go. If Jensen’s not worried about it… if you think I shouldn’t be worried, then I won’t worry. Give my love to Gen and the kids.”

“Hey.” Jared’s voice made me stall my hang-up procedure.

“Yeah?”

“ _I_ miss you, too, ya know? You should call me more often.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I will. And you’ll see me in a few weeks. I got a few shooting days before my Marvel press tour, and after that I’m gonna be back in VanCity.”

“Can’t wait to see ya, y/n.”

“Try to get Jensen okay before I get there. Please?”

“I’m tryin’.”

“All right. See ya, Jare.”

“See ya.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, I walked into the house after having made a trip to the Wal-mart up the street. “Us Weekly thinks I’m stalking you.” I said, making a beeline for the table, where Tom sat with a cup of tea and his newest script. I dropped the Walmart bags on the table and took the seat next to him.

“Oh, do they?”

“Yeah. Apparently, we’re always at the same places because I’m obsessed with you and you’re too polite to tell me to fuck off.”

“Well, they’re half right. You are obsessed with me.” He smirked as he set his script down and picked up the teacup. “We wouldn’t have this problem if you’d let me make the announcement.”

I shook my head. “I told you, Tom, your fans scare me. Besides, both of our last relationships were spectacular failures. This way, if something goes wrong, we don’t have to deal with-”

“What could go wrong?”

“You could walk.” I said, looking away from him.

“You think I’m going to leave you, like Nate did.” He said, setting the teacup on the table and looking across at me.

I felt small under his gaze and swallowed. “Like every other person I’ve ever dated.” I stood and grabbed the bags. “If we don’t _tell_ anybody that we’re dating, then I don’t have to deal with the pity when it ends. I don’t have to be the woman who chased away Tom Hiddleston.”

There was a moment of silence before he picked up his script again. “I understand.” He said, in a voice that said he didn’t understand.

“Tom.”

“You have a parent-teacher conference to attend, don’t you?” He reminded me, coldly.

“Yeah.” I leaned forward. “Are you mad at me?”

His eyes flashed to mine. “You’d know if your master were mad, wouldn’t you, Dear?” He asked, voice low, using my sub name. Exactly.

“Yes, sir.”

“Then, go to your meeting.” He ordered. I nodded, standing. “Do not _touch_ your ex-husband.”

“Yes, sir.” I wasn’t planning to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I turned my phone back on after the parent-teacher conference, my Twitter app had so many notifications it just said ‘99+’. Facebook Mentions was the same. The source? A status update to Tom’s seldom-updated Facebook page. My mouth went dry as I read his words.

**'6 months ago saw a rewrite to the Marvel Cinematic Shorts Anthology script, which brought a new minor character. Kevin Feige knew who he wanted in the role before the script was even done being altered; a relatively unknown actress with a single acting credit to her name- y/f/n y/l/n. I was immediately drawn to the woman and asked her for drinks before we’d finished in Hair and Makeup the morning I met her. I’d fallen in love before the week was out. Y/n is a private woman, not used to being so in the public eye, so I acceded to her request for discretion, portraying myself as her friend whenever someone might be looking. I tried to convince her several times that we should go public over the past 2 months and she dismissed each attempt. This morning I discovered the reason. She’s expecting I will leave. She doesn’t want anyone profiting on her heartbreak or to give them a reason to judge or, worse, pity her. But I’m not planning to leave. I have no desire to be another on her short list of past relationships. I’ve resisted the urge to shout the truth of my heart from the rooftops, but no longer. I’m in love with this sweet Southern woman and leaving her is not an option for my heart.** ’

Accompanying the status was a picture Tom took in his room at the Ritz; me, in just panties and his ratty black t-shirt (which came to my mid-thigh), looking out the bedroom window at the lights of downtown Atlanta. It was one of his favorite pictures of me, which he’d taken the Sunday after ATLcon.

I didn’t go through too many of the comments, but the few I looked at were positive notes congratulating Tom on his happiness. A few said, "Who _wouldn’t_ want the world to know they were dating Tom?” and then came the SPN Family with, “She’s a divorced Mom who probably doesn’t want the media to descend upon her private life like the vultures they are. Also, she probably doesn’t feel like she deserves him.” and links to con videos where I talk about being fat, depressed, having low self-esteem and the toxic relationship I had with Nate.

When I switched to Twitter, the story was different. Most of the mentions were something along the lines of ’ **@taylorswift13 have u heard about @twhiddleston and @y/l/n_y/n?** ’ Taylor responded with, ’ **Uh, excuse me, but #whothehellisy/l/n_y/n?** ’ The Swifties ran with the hashtag and 'whothehellisy/l/n_y/n’ was trending by the time I got to Twitter. I responded with ’ **@taylorswift13 Big Fan since 'Tim McGraw’. I’m an actor no one’s heard of. If i catch the meaning behind your tag, you want to know ½** ’ then I replied to it. ’ **How an absolute nobody ended up with a man who used to be yours. Honestly, I’m just as lost as you are. #sonotworthy. 2/2** ’

I was hoping that a modest and non-confrontational response was the best way to go. I got in my car and drove home, seething. When I walked into the house, I slammed the door behind me. Tom walked into the living room as I dropped my purse and jacket on the couch. He was dressed in my favorite dark grey suit and had his hair the way I like. Trying to minimize my anger through looking like a damn dream. “I’m so sorry.” He said.

“You just flipped my life on its end and all you have to say to me is 'sorry’?”

“I understand how livid you must be, y/n, but-”

“'Livid’ isn’t even a strong enough word, Tom, but I’m so ticked off that I can’t think of a stronger one! My name is trending on Twitter, I’ve had more Mentions in the past hour than I have since joining the site, your fans are probably plotting my death as we speak, a picture that you took in an intimate setting is now forever on the internet and Taylor Swift followed me just so that she could DM me. She’s delightful, by the way, wants to have drinks next time I’m in Nashville. Oh, and there wasn’t any kind of upset at the White House or a police shooting or terror attack today, so guess what the late night talk shows are gonna be monloguein’ 'bout? Thank God you posted that status early enough for them to get in on this!”

He sighed. “I suppose it was a very dramatic and public way to go about it, but it was best to get it done, get it out of the way and move on. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you. Sometimes, you need that. _Dear_.” The word made me want to slip into that sub persona, but I fought it. He doesn’t get to do the voice and look at me with those stupid blue eyes and then everything’s okay. “We’ll be a hot topic for a few weeks and then, people won’t care until there’s a ring on your finger.”

“Don’t talk about getting married when I’m still so angry with you!” I paced in front of him, angrily. “You completely disregarded my wishes. We talked about it for months and I never wanted people to know, what would make you-”

He grabbed my arm as I paced, stopping me in front of him. “I couldn’t stand it, anymore. I love you and I can’t pretend I don’t, any longer. I _want_ people to ask me 'Why her?’ so I can tell them every single thing I adore about you. I want to fly you and Nova to London for a long weekend and hold the hands of my two favorite girls as we walk down Oxford Street and I buy you whatever your heart desires. I couldn’t keep this to myself, anymore, especially after finding out that you only wanted it secret so that it’d be easier for me to leave you.” He ran his hands down my arms. “I’m not leaving.”

“Fuck.” I looked up into his eyes. “You suck.”

He smiled. “You love me.”

“You better be glad I do. I wouldn’t tolerate this shit if I didn’t.”

“I’m ecstatic to be recipient of your love.” He said, leaning down to kiss me. I pulled away and grabbed the remote from the coffee table. “What are you doing?”

“I’m setting the DVR to record Conan, Colbert, Fallon, Kimmel and Corden. They’re gonna be talking about me and I wanna see what they say.”

“You don’t need to-”

I put my hand up as he spoke. “I deserve to know, Tom. Don’t argue with me on this.”

“All right. Once you’ve set that up, will you please come have a cuppa with me?”

“You can make me a cup of vanilla chamomile with honey. I’ll be in there in a minute.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kimmel had poked fun at me, like I’d assumed he would. I’m a witch, so I must’ve cast a spell on him, according to the first Jimmy. Fallon was a bit nicer, mostly just questioning who the heck I am. Colbert said he liked a mystery and was excited that I was part of the MCU Cinematic Shorts promotional tour coming through next week. Conan was more interested in Taylor’s hashtag and my humble response, what I must’ve said in the DMs to get her to retract her dismissive attitude.

But Corden, oh James fucking Corden… Were I not already a fan, his mono would have made me one. “World War III didn’t start today, North Korea hasn’t bombed us, yet, and there weren’t any resignations from the White House, so we get to discuss something far more important than any of that: Tom Hiddleston and his new girlfriend.” The audience laughed. “Now, you might have noticed that the hashtag 'whothehellisy/l/n_y/n’ was trending on Twitter most of the day and that was in response to Tom Hiddleston’s declaration of love on Facebook. A lot of people, Tom’s ex Taylor Swift included, have never heard of the young woman who’s playing opposite him in the next Marvel movie. We at The Late Late Show are on fairly late, though, so we had more time before shooting to look into the question of 'who the hell is y/l/n y/n?’. Y/l/n_y/n is the Twitter handle of this woman, y/f/n y/l/n.” He held up a picture of me, a headshot that I had taken by Stardust & Melancholy. “She’s 29 years old, a divorced single mother who has only two acting credits on her Internet Movie Database page. She has a small but loyal fanbase made up of people who watch the show she was on: _Supernatural_. She’s spoken, at length, about her marriage and her poor self esteem and she’s just…” He dropped the picture to the stage.

“I don’t have jokes. Y/f/n is so certain that Tom is going to leave her that she didn’t want people to even know that she was dating him. She’s certain that she’s not good enough, not perfect enough, and that’s why he told the world but I’ve been the chubby kid on this playground we call 'Hollywood’ and I have doubted many good things that happened to me because this society has told me that good things would never happen to me. Miss y/l/n has captured the attention of one of Britain’s best, a man so at home in a Shakespearean tragedy that I thought he actually was King Henry when I met him. You deserve the good, Miss y/l/n. You deserve the happiness. And I deserve an invite to the wedding.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Tom asked, cuddling into my back wrapping his arms around me.

“No, but you do know that there’s going to be paparazzi here in a couple days, right? Like, all over the place.”

“Yes. Perhaps we should get one of the rentals on the beach. Better security.”

“We’d have to drive Nova to school in the morning.”

“I think it’d be better.”

“Yeah, but I think it’d be a waste. You want a condo? Research, do it right. Get a good one. I mean, I’m going to Vancouver in two days to shoot, then we’re going on the press tour for the movie. We’ve got time to find a good condo, maybe on the Island, maybe Destin. There’s some good places in Navarre and Bluewater. Gulf Breeze. Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked as he rolled on top of me and stared down at me.

“I love you.” He said, simply.

“I love you, too.” I responded.

“You’re making plans. A place that’s ours, here.”

“And in London.” I whispered. “I know that’s where you’d prefer. Your theatres are there.”

“But Nate would never allow you to move Nova across the Atlantic.”

“Hence, a condo here and a place in London. We’ll just have to figure it out as we go along.”

“I’d like nothing more.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom and I went to the airport together. He was flying back to London, I was flying to Vancouver. We’d meet in New York for our Late Show appearance in a week. He handed me a box when we got to the airport. I opened it to reveal a bracelet, a simple thick band made of leather with ‘ **TOM’S** ’ stamped into it. “You can wear it upside-down, if you want. As long as _you_ know what it means.” I stared down at it for a moment and he plucked it out of the box. “I told you I wouldn’t make you wear a choker, Dear, but I want you to remember… while you’re away from me… who you belong to.”

“You think, ‘cause I’m away from you…”

“I think you’re going to be in the same building as Jensen and I want you to have a reminder on your wrist of who you are. _My_ Dear. _Mine_.” His long fingers attached the leather band upside-down on my wrist. “Don’t take it off unless you have to for a scene and if you do have to remove it, you put it right back on afterward. Do you understand?”

I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Good girl.” He whispered, pushing his hand into my hair and pulling me into a deep kiss. I could hear camera shutters across the way but I tried to ignore it. That was going to be a part of my life for the rest of my career and relationship. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Call me when you land?”

“Of course.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vancouver seemed like a different place when I got there. It was like I was a visitor in my own home. People were staring at me, I felt uncomfortable, I just wanted to go back to where it was safe in Tom’s arms.

Jared rushed to Hair and Makeup when he heard I was on the lot. “Hey! You’re here!”

His happy face and warm eyes washed away some of my discomfort. “Yeah. A couple days of Second Unit stuff before I go on promo tour for Marvel.”

“Well, it’s good to have you back, even for a couple days.” He smirked. “So, that Facebook post, huh?”

I rolled my eyes, picking at the metal fastener on my bracelet. “He thought it was the best thing to do.”

“But obviously, you don’t agree.” Jared said, dropping into the empty chair next to me.

“Well, I don’t always make the best decisions, you know. Tom is better at that stuff.”

“I don’t know. I thought you were doing pretty fuckin’ good with decisions over the last couple years. I mean, you were making your life better.”

“Also making it worse… and certain other peoples’ lives.” I shrugged. “Sometimes I just need to have someone help me figure out what to do.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jared seemed skeptical of my words. Well, they were actually Tom’s words, but whatever. “Hey, you should come to dinner with me tonight. You’re only in town for a couple days. I haven’t gotten to see you in a couple months. We gotta catch up.”

I nodded. “Okay. As long as… as long as it’s just the two of us.”

“Uh, yeah. Jensen’ll understand.” Jared said, standing. “Gotta go. I’ll text when I’m ready to get food.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was actually a very, very late drink and some bar grub at Black Bear Pub. “So, what’s he like, huh?”

“Tom?”

“Yeah, Tom. He, like, fuckin’ swept in and stole you away so he’s gotta be really fuckin’ amazing, right?”

“He didn’t steal me away, J-pad. Come on.”

“Kinda did, y/n. And I’m not even talking about him stealing you from Jensen. I’m talking… how much time have you spent with the Wayward Women lately? How much time have you spent with anyone _other_ than Tom?”

I shrugged. “You remember how the honeymoon phase goes.”

“Well, I miss you. Kim and Bri and Rob and Rich, they miss you, too.”

“ _They_ see me more than _you_ do.”

“They say you’re not really there when you’re there.”

I picked at the bracelet again. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind, you know. Between what happened with Jensen and fighting Nate for custody and trying to hide my relationship and recently dealing with the aftermath of his Facebook bullshit… I’ve just got a lot going on.” I picked up my drink and took a sip.

Jared watched my face for a few moments. “But you _are_ happy, though… right?”

I smiled. “Yeah. I am. He’s a great guy. He’s incredibly intelligent, attractive, and nice. He wants… everything for me. He’s helping me with my career. He’s helping me get out of my parents’ house. I mean…” I looked down, rubbing my fingers over the bracelet. “It’s not just about what he’s doing _for_ me. He makes me feel like everything’s gonna be okay, like I’m gonna be okay. He’s this incredibly calming force. He makes me feel safe just by being around me. Everything’s controlled with him. Even the chaos is controlled chaos.”

Jared nodded. “Okay. Long as you’re happy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got to the hotel in New York, Tom greeted me in the lobby. Cameras went off outside the door as he wrapped his arms around me, but they weren’t allowed in the building. “I’ve already checked us in. Let’s go up to the room.”

“Okay.”

He picked up my bag and we headed to the elevators. “So, how was Vancouver?”

“It was good. It was weird, but good.”

“And did you see any of your old friends?” His tone was clipped. He was trying to sound conversational, but he was definitely asking if I’d seen Jensen and he was already teetering on upset at the thought that I might have.

“Just Jared. He took me to get a drink.” I hit the call button for the elevator and turned to look up at him. “Jensen was shooting on location with Samantha this week so he was easy to avoid.”

Tom smiled, brightly. “And how are you liking your bracelet?” He asked, taking my hand in his and sliding the sleeve of my jacket down my arm. He smiled to see it still on my wrist. “Did you have to take it off, at all?”

“Yeah. For work. Tara wears rose quartz beads on her wrist. I smoothed it out and tucked it in my bra, though, when I couldn’t wear it. Figured it still served its purpose of reminding me if it were next to my heart.”

“And you put it right back on your wrist as soon as you were done?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good girl.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting out of the back of the Town Car with Tom’s hand in mine was new and it was nice until one of the women in the crowd outside of Ed Sullivan Theater with Tom’s face on her t-shirt shouted out that 'the piggy should just up and die!’. Tom wrapped his arms around me and refused to sign anything for anyone in the crowd. I heard from security a few minutes later that they had to break up a fight because the woman was being assaulted for causing everyone else to lose their interaction with Tom. Tom was soothing me when we entered the green room. Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackey stopped talking when we walked in. “Sebastian! Anthony! Good to see you!”

“Don’t think we didn’t notice you hijacked our press tour with your Facebook Romeo bullshit.” Mackey said, sitting up to grasp Tom’s hand.

“If he’s Romeo, that makes me Juliet. I don’t wanna be Juliet. She’s a whiny little teenager. Can I be Mercutio?”

“Only if I can be Tybalt.” Sebastian answered, reaching his hand out to shake mine.

“You wanna kill me, already? We just met.” I joked.

“Hey!” Anthony slapped Sebastian’s shoulder. “I thought we were reserving judgment, man. That is not your 'reserving judgment’ face.”

“What? She’s funny.”

“That means a lot, coming from you. I am a big fan.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely. I mean, I watched _'I, Tonya_ ’ and I give zero fucks about Tonya Harding. Also, _Political Animals_ , even though it caused fights between me and my mom.” I turned to Mackey. “And, of course, ’ _Detroit_ ’ was amazing!”

“You saw it?”

“Oh, yeah. It was super informative. No one ever thought to explain to me why the Detroit riots happened.”

“Well, if it gets folks talking…”

“Yeah, definitely. ‘course, it’s harder to talk to some folks than others. My mom is one of those folks who thinks that just because she didn’t realize there was a race issue when she was growing up in Compton in the 70s, that means it didn’t exist.”

“Oh, so she didn’t know there was a race issue 'cause she’s a bigot?” Anthony concluded.

I nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. Two California-raised conservatives who voted for McCain and Trump ended up raising a trio of Liberal-leaning Independents who voted for Obama and Clinton. They’re so confused.”

“Must be a hard household to live in.” Sebastian commented.

“Definitely. One I still live in, unfortunately. Had to move back after the divorce ‘cause I didn’t have any money and now, just haven’t had the time since I got the money.”

“We’re working on that.” Tom cut in, with a sigh.

“Tom gets so uncomfortable when my mom and I start in on each other about politics.” I said, with a smile. “He’s so non-confrontational about things like that.”

“Yeah, he’s British, what do you expect?” Sebastian said.

“I don’t really get that. You know the Brits kinda ruled the world through conquest and confrontation for hundreds of years, right?”

“Oh, she’s pullin’ out history!” Mackey responded.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but once the Queen gave up power to Parliament, that’s when the whole super-polite, non-confrontational thing got its legs. I, however, know that there are confrontational Brits. I’ve had a bunch of women spewing hate at me since Tom’s little announcement.”

“Wow.” Sebastian said.

“Yeah, Tom’s fans are not… not happy with me. Anyway…” I leaned against Tom and he wrapped his arms around me. “I know Colbert is gonna want us to talk about us but I will redirect the conversation as fast as possible.”

“Sounds good.” Anthony said, nodding.


	5. Struggle

**Chapter Warnings:** **18+ HERE BE SEX, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** fingering, Dom/Sub relationship, Tom is Dom, controlling behavior (cause Tom is Dom), sexual punishment, alligator clips, depression and depressive drinking, safe word, being ‘owned’, loss of libido (due to depression), 

* * *

Tom made sure to hold my hand as we walked onto the stage, long fingers pressing the letters of his name into my wrist like a brand. Stephen Colbert shook everyone’s hand, his hands soft from some expensive hand cream. I sat at the end, the furthest available seat from the host’s desk. Tom sat next to me, then Sebastian and Anthony closest to the desk. Tom sat with crossed legs, his hand on my arm. “How are you guys doing tonight?” Colbert asked. Everyone responded with how well we were doing, then the host smiled. “So, I have to extend a special greeting to Ms. y/l/n. This is your first late night appearance, isn’t it?”

I smiled and nodded. “It is!”

“Well, I’m happy to be your first late night host. So, we _have_ to talk about the bombshell Tom dropped last week.”

“No, we don’t.” Anthony and I said at the same time.

“Come on. It’s an important topic. You two met on set?”

I sighed. “Okay. We’ll play. Yeah, we met on set. I flew down from Vancouver and it was my first day on set and I was trying to be invisible. I used to be really good at that, the whole wallflower thing, but he noticed me right off, so I guess my chameleon circuit is blown.” There was a smattering of laughter across the audience. “And that’s how you find the Whovians. Anyway, Tom made a comment on my character’s name and when we were in Hair and Makeup he asked me for drinks. A couple days later, I invited him to do a duet at karaoke night and we… We haven’t spent much time apart since.”

“That’s amazing.” Tom scoffed.

“What?” I looked down sheepishly.

“That a woman so adept at writing could take all of the poetry out of an encounter.” He squeezed my hand and turned more fully to Colbert. “Her hair caught my eye. Her natural coloring, not the dye job she did to cover her character’s ginger hair, is a bit Neopolitan, with highlights of light blond and lowlights of brilliant caramel, but the sun hit her hair in just the perfect way to showcase the firey red strands that usually stay hidden. When I saw the y/e/c of her eyes matched the brilliance of her smile, I knew I had to know more, and when she blushed the first time I spoke her name…” He turned back to me and smiled. “Like she’s blushing right now, I determined to get her out on the town, have a few drinks, learn everything I could about her. By the time we got on stage for karaoke, I was absolutely taken with her.”

“And keeping it quiet for the last, what 3 months, that was really _her_ idea?”

“Definitely. I’m not a man that keeps quiet about his affections.”

“He’s a big fan of the PDA.” Seb confirmed. “You remember the Taylor Swift shirt?”

“And you’re not?” Stephen asked me.

“Look, I’m almost thirty, which is ancient by Hollywood’s standards for women, and I’m just getting started in this business. A year ago, I was cashiering and running a forklift in a retail warehouse back home. I’m not used to everyone knowing every little detail of my life. I’m not used to anyone caring, but I knew that people would be all over this relationship if people knew about it. I mean, he’s Tom Hiddleston and I’m just… hashtag who the hell is y/l/n y/n?” I shrugged. “We’ve only been together three months. We’re still in that early infatuation stage where everything’s great and there’s never been any problems and we haven’t even had our first fight, yet. My experience… things can fall apart pretty easily once you’re out of that stage, you know?”

“That’s not true.” Tom said, smiling. “We fought about the Facebook post.”

“That wasn’t a fight, Tom. The knock-down, drag-outs I used to have with my ex, those were fights.”

“So, what he said in the post about giving him an opportunity to leave without anyone else capitalizing on your drama…”

“Totally true, but it’s more complicated than that. I wasn’t rooting for him to leave me, I just… I mean, look at him. He’s Tom freakin’ Hiddleston. His last girlfriend was Taylor Swift, who has like 8 inches of height on me and millions of dollars and a squad of supermodel best friends. I’m short and chubby and have a kid. It would’ve been unreasonable and arrogant to assume he would stick around. How could I possibly know there was something lovable about me?” I joked. “Anyway, why don’t we talk about the dang movie? Which I had very little to do with so you can talk to Monsieurs Stan and Mackey, who’ve been sitting there annoyed with the relationship talk.”

“I don’t know about ‘annoyed’.” Anthony said with a smile.

“Don’t lie, Mack.” Sebastian said, before leaning forward. “No, we’re good. She’s cool. I mean, we just met her in the green room 'cause she’s been making Tom been keep her a secret from us, too, but she seems genuine.”

“I’m gonna point out that she’s an actor, too, though. We’re well-versed in hiding our crazy. Also, she’s from the South. Southern women are either the most genuine chicks you’ll ever meet… or the ultimate in crazy.”

“I’ve met her family. If she’s hiding any craziness, it’s directly resultant from them.” Tom popped back.

“Oh, insulting the family on national television…” Colbert’s eyes got wide.

“Nah, it’s okay. They know they’re crazy. And we’ll go with Anthony’s assessment. I got damage, and I use my acting chops to hide a lot of it, but… I’m…”

“She’s amazing.” Tom reached out and took my hand. “She’s intelligent, she’s funny, she’s gorgeous and better than all that, she’s an unbelievable mother. Her daughter, Nova, is an absolute dream and it’s square on this woman’s shoulders.”

“Okay, that’s not true. Nova is awesome but I can’t take full credit on that. Also, please let some other topic rule the time we got left, please. This is a MCU promo, not a y/n promo.”

“As long as you’re not giving credit to anyone who doesn’t actually deserve it.” I knew he meant Nate and I’m sure the audience knew he was referencing her father, too. Why is Tom so much pettier about my ex than I am?

“Please, Stephen, ask about the Winter Soldier sequence.” I begged. When we were done talking to Colbert, we went back to the back to wait in the green room until our cars arrived. Tom pulled me into his lap as soon as he sat down, not giving me an opportunity to sit anywhere else. “Tom.” I threw a look back at Sebastian and Anthony on the couch.

“I told you that I wanted to answer the questions about you, didn’t I, Dear?” He said, quiet and low. “Don’t look at them. Look at me. I told you I wanted to tell everyone what I loved most about you and you sabotaged my efforts at every turn.”

“Marvel sent us here to talk about the movie, Tom, not-” I argued, but it was quiet, lackluster… submissive.

“We talk about whatever the host wants to talk about…” He leaned up next to my ear and whispered, “We talk about what _I_ want to talk about. Do you understand, Dear?” I nodded. “Words.” He demanded, quietly.

“Yes, sir.” I whispered, just loud enough for him to hear it.

He nodded, pressing his lips to mine. “I love you, but you’ll need to pay for that performance.” He whispered against my lips.

“I understand.” I was nervous about it, though. He’d been 'sir’ for a month, but this was the first time I had done something he felt needed punishing, so I wasn’t sure what his idea of punishment would be. He knew I liked being spanked, he knew I liked having my hair pulled, he knew I liked when he marked me up with his perfect teeth, so none of those things would be punishment. Judging by the fact that he made certain to have this conversation in front of our coworkers, I guessed humiliation was part of the punishment.

I didn’t look at Sebastian or Anthony until it was time to say 'goodbye’ to them. More than the fact that Tom told me not to look at them, I didn’t want to see it in their faces if they heard the conversation we had. Tom had the driver stop at a small hardware store on the way back to the hotel, which got my stomach tied up in knots. He told me not to move, to look at nothing but my lap while he was out of the car and then he disappeared… my wristwatch was visible from my lap, so I was able to count the time. Thirty minutes. To the damn minute, he left me staring at my lap for a half an hour. He lifted my chin and kissed my temple when he returned to the car. “You were very good while I was away, my Dear. Keep it up and I’ll give you a treat.”

When we got back to the hotel, he instructed me to get undressed and lay on the bed. I did as I was told. Always so good at doing what I’m told. He pulled out the under-the-bed restraints he’d attached before I even made it to New York and attached them to my ankles and wrists before grabbing the bag from the hardware store and sitting next to me on the bed. He dropped the bag on my stomach and looked down at me. “Now, we’re going to try something new for your punishment, Dear.” He dipped his hand into the small paper bag and came back with a small metal clip. An alligator clip, with all these sharp little teeth. My eyes went wide. “I know we’ve never used these before, but if you’re good, if you take what I give you, I’ll make everything better.”

I swallowed, heavily. “Those things are…”

“You trust me, don’t you, Dear?” He slid the cold clip across my shoulder and down my arm.

“Yes, sir.”

“Then be a good girl.” He ran the clip down to my hand, studying my face as he clipped the first alligator clip to the webbing between my thumb and first finger. It hurt. The teeth dug into my skin, trying to touch the set on the other side of my skin. I hissed in pain. Tom just smirked as he reached into the bag and grabbed another clip. My hands felt like they were on fire by the time he’d finished putting clips between my fingers, four clips on each hand causing pain to radiate up my arm… not far enough up for Tom, though, so he pinched a bit of the loose skin on my upper arms and applied two clips to each arm. “You’re doing very well. Does it hurt?”

“Y-yes. Sir.”

He smiled as he grabbed another, swirling it around my left nipple. I stiffened. He raised an eyebrow. I made myself relax as best as I could as he pulled on my nipple and attached the clip. I winced, squeezing my eyes closed tight and whining. He did the other nipple, too, and I could feel tears slipping out of the corners of my eyes. When he dropped his hand between my thighs, running a clip along my pussy lips, I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from telling him 'no’. As soon as the clip clamped down on my outer lip, though, I shook my head, rather violently. “ _Pudding_! God, stop, Tom. It’s too much! Pudding!”

The clips were gone in a frenzied few seconds of his fingers working across my skin. It hurt _more_ when they were released, blood rushing to the locations that had been deprived before. I heard the bag hit the floor next to the bed as he released me from the restraints and climbed onto the bed, pulling me into his arms. “You did much better than I expected, y/n. You were so good for me. You did such a good job.” He soothed, running her fingers through my hair. He kissed my neck and ran his nose across my jaw. “What can I do for you, my love?” I shook my head. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, could help at that moment. “Do you want me to run us a bath?” He suggested. I nodded, after a moment. It didn’t sound like something that would really help, but I knew that he wanted to feel like he was making it better. That’s his job in this scenario.

I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror as he walked me to the bathtub, covered in little angry red marks that didn’t seem like they should hurt as much as they did. Tom slipped into the tub behind me, caging me in with his long limbs. He pulled a washcloth across my skin, gentle rubbing motions across my shoulders, chest, arms and thighs. “I’m sorry, Tom.” I whispered after a while.

“Whatever for?”

I blushed as I looked down at his hand, resting on my left thigh. “I couldn’t take your punishment. I safe-worded.”

“That’s what the safe word is for, y/n. You’re incredibly sensitive. I should have known better than to use that sort of clip on an area so delicate. We’ll try a clip without teeth next time.” I nodded as his hand slipped between my thighs, avoiding the place where he’d clipped me, and delving his middle finger into me. “You did so good. Can I give you your reward for being good?”

I wasn’t really feeling it, honestly. I felt like a failure and I was still in a bit of pain. But I didn’t tell him 'no’. I just let my head fall backward onto his shoulder as he fucked the fingers of one hand into me and used the fingers of his other hand to rub circles around my clit. He licked and nibbled lightly at my shoulder, humming appreciatively when I started to moan, a little bit louder than I naturally would have. I don’t know why I was putting on a show for him, why I felt the need to pretend like I was more into it than I really was.

He didn’t get me there. For the first time in our relationship, Tom couldn’t make me cum. I faked it, made myself clench and flutter around his fingers. When we got in bed after, Tom fell asleep quickly, arms and legs tangled around me. I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep. The entire event, it made me think of Nate. Nate, who I faked my way through almost every sexual encounter with. It made me think of Nate going down on me, slobbering over me and practically punching me when he tried to finger me. It made me wonder if there was something wrong with me. Obviously, Tom was amazing, a sex god. How could I possibly react the same way to Tom that I did to Nate, who was… 'bad’ is the absolute nicest way to put it.

Unfortunately, it didn’t end with that one night, one encounter. I _couldn’t_ get into it. Not the next morning when Tom came back from his morning jog and woke me with his head between my thighs, or that night when he had me blindfolded and gagged, a small vibe in my ass as he fucked me. I couldn’t get off when he hitched my Theia gown around my hips and rattled the stall in one of the bathrooms at the New York Premiere of our movie.

***You’re depressed*** My brain informed me as we were on our plane to L.A. for the Los Angeles Premiere. ***That’s why you can’t get off. Because you’re depressed.***

I immediately argued with myself. ***Why would I be depressed? I’ve got an amazing job, an amazing boyfriend, an amazing life. I don’t have chemical depression, it’s always been situational. What about this situation is depressing?***

And the only response my dumb-ass brain could conjure was: ***There’s no Jensen in this situation.***

I shook the thoughts away. Those thoughts were dangerous. Besides, it was just a manifestation of my guilt about the way Jensen’s dealing with the break-up… not that it was a real break-up because we weren’t dating, but…

“When we do London next week, we should take Nova.” Tom suggested, pulling me from my thoughts. “I know it’s last minute, but I think she’d like it.”

“She doesn’t have a passport. We’ll have to wait 'til next time, I guess.” I smiled at him and he gave a little disappointed sigh before nodding. I hated to disappoint him. Which is probably why I was faking my orgasms.

When we got to _Grauman’s_ Chinese Theater, we had to do the press walk. Tom kept his hand on my lower back the entire time, as we answered questions and I pretended to be enthusiastic about the film… and it hit me as we headed into the theater, that I most definitely _was_ depressed. And if I was at the point where I could recognize that I was faking enthusiasm for a Marvel Movie… _My_ Marvel movie, no less, then I was getting deep into it.

I didn’t say anything to Tom. I’ve never been good with sharing my emotions, and how do you explain to your boyfriend that, despite the fact that he’s one of the most amazing men you’ve ever met and he’s made your life ten times better than it was, that you feel like you’re barely treading water in an ocean of shit? So, I texted Connie the next morning while Tom was out running.

**I’m having trouble.**

**Are you okay? Do you need to talk?**

**Yeah, but… just texting. I don’t want Tom to hear.**

**Is Loki the problem? Do I have to shank a hot piece of ass?**

**No.  
No, he’s not the problem… I don’t think. I mean, I’m not really sure what the problem is… which is part of the problem.  
Maybe I feel isolated, or something. Or maybe I just… need a convention weekend, see my SPN friends.  
Maybe you and I should go camping, get some fresh air in us.**

**Y/n/n, you gotta be under enormous stress lately. Maybe you SHOULD take a breather weekend.**

**Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Between the UK, Europe and Asia premieres, TorCon, and then going back to work on the show… plus prepping for all the auditions Tom’s been pushing me to do… I just don’t see that happening.**

**Well, do something nice for yourself. Make Loki take you out someplace fancy.**

**Okay, Love ya.**

That conversation, of course, didn’t make me feel any better. So, I texted Jared.

**I’m struggling to keep fighting.** My phone rang, not two minutes later. “Hey.”

“You okay?” He asked, quietly.

“I mean… I’ve been worse.”

“What’s wrong? What’s the problem?”

“ _Whossat_?” Jensen’s slurring words in the background made me fill with guilt.

“Doesn’t matter, dude. Drink your water.” Jared responded to his guest.

“Oh, shit. You-you’ve already got your hands full. I’m so sorry to bother you, Jare.”

“You better not hang up on me. I have time and energy enough for both of you. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I sighed, deeply. “I don’t know. That’s the problem, you know?”

“Okay. I understand that. Where are you right now?”

“The Roosevelt Hotel in L.A…. In bed because I can’t make myself get up these days. Tom’s the only reason I get dressed most days.”

“Have you talked to him?” Jared pulled the phone away from his ear, but I could hear him growl at Jay. “Damn it, Jensen, put down the scotch.”

“ _Don’t tell me what to do, Padalecki. I’m fine._ ”

“We have to be on set in three hours and you need to sober the fuck up.” Jared sighed as he put the phone back to his ear. “Sorry 'bout that. Have you talked to him?”

“And tell him, what? He wouldn’t understand, Jare. He’d think that he’s done something wrong and he hasn’t. He’s a dream, but I’m still… I’m still here feeling like shit.”

“How have you been sleeping?”

“Shitty.” I answered, honestly. “It’s like… like I’m not really sleeping. I’ll put in eight, sometimes nine or ten, depending on if Tom wants to let me sleep in, and it’s like I never actually fell asleep.”

“Not drinking, are you?”

“No. I’m not… I have no desire to get smashed. No desire for anything, really.”

Jared cleared his throat. “ _Anything_?”

I didn’t really have a problem telling Jared. The man knew the intimates of my relationship with Jay, so it didn’t really inspire modesty with him. “I have no sex drive. I don’t really want to eat, either.”

“When’s the last time you hit the gym? You know that can help a lot.”

“You sound like my dad.” I sighed. “I just haven’t had a chance, lately, dude. I’ve been really busy.”

“Well, I’m sure that hotel has a gym. Get some sweats on and go jump on an elliptical.”

I sighed. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll, uh, I’ll do that. Thanks for listening, Jared.”

“You know you can call me anytime.”

“I know. Take care of your other disaster friend.”

“Yeah. Hey, you gonna be in Toronto?”

“ _She’s nah gonna be there Sunday, so you don’t get to see her. Nobody gets to see 'er. 'cept Loki._ ”

I took a deep breath and bit my lip. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Friday and Saturday.”

“Any way I can convince you to stay and have lunch with me on Sunday?”

“I’ll… I’ll have to talk to Tom about it. He kinda wants me to keep my distance as much as possible… you know, unless I _have_ to for the show.”

“Well, I mean… he doesn’t _own_ you, y/n. If you want to stick around for a Sunday, you should be able to do that.”

I let out a little sigh. Tom kinda owned me, the bracelet on my wrist said so. “I’ll ask Tom and let you know.”

Jared let out a little sigh. “Okay. Text me. Feel better, y/n.”

“Yeah. Get a sandwich in him. Bye.” I said, before hanging up and moving to get my workout clothes out of my bag. By the time Tom found me in the gym, on a recumbent bike which I’d gotten on after doing twenty minutes on the elliptical machine, I was dripping sweat. “Hey!” I panted when he walked in.

“If you wanted to work out, you should have come running with me.” He walked over to the wall and grabbed a clean white towel, dabbing it across my forehead.

“I never would have been able to keep up with you. I would have slowed you down and I wouldn’t wanna do that.” I said, stopping my movements and taking the towel to finish cleaning my face. I felt a little better after that, but still not well and the thought that I was just beginning this uphill battle again made me sink a little further. “So, I was wondering if it’d be okay for me to stick around TorCon for lunch on Sunday. Jared wants to hang out and I kinda think that con might suck for me because, you know, it’s the first one since you made the announcement and some of the fans have been kinda upset that I lied about us being together and I just know somebody’s gonna ask about Jensen and-”

Tom stopped me with a finger to my lips. “As long as it’s only Jared you’ll be meeting with, I am fine with that.”

“Thank you.” I responded, going to my tiptoes and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TorCon did kinda suck for me. While many of the fans were still welcoming and nice, there were a consistent handful that made sure to call me a liar and grumbled at me as I passed. I, of course, apologized to everyone for lying and explained that I really thought Tom was going to get tired of me before anyone needed to know we were together.

My early Saturday panel is when I got asked about Jensen. Someone mentioning rumors on the internet… I don’t really remember because I told them I was not going to answer tin-hat questions and moved on to the other side of the stage. The next approach was softer, though, so I answered it. “You seemed to be really good friends with J2 but since you’ve been dating Tom, you don’t seem to be anymore. Is that just the natural 'I have a significant other so I don’t have time for anybody else’ thing or is it something more?”

“I think the way you’re looking at the situation is a bit skewed. I have noticed that I have been a shitty friend lately, in terms of presence, but it’s not since I’ve been dating Tom, it’s since I’ve been working for Marvel. I just don’t have time. I mean, I _am_ trying… I’ve got a lunch date with 'im tomorrow, but it’s a balancing act, one I am unfortunately not very good at.” I was careful with my pronunciation, leaving the appearance of hanging out with both of them while still technically not lying. “Y'all gotta remember that I’ve got a lot goin’ on and all of it is stuff that I wasn’t doing a year ago. A little _over_ a year ago. I mean, before I came to _Supernatural_ , I wasn’t an actor, I wasn’t in movies, I didn’t do cons, I hadn’t had a boyfriend in forever… I had two friends, total. Seriously. Life’s complicated for me, right now. That’s all. I’m still friends with everybody. I’m just a shitty friend.”

That answer seemed to satisfy the audience, who moved on to questions about Tara and her involvement with the new season.

I made the effort to participate in all the green room hijinks, remembering that Jared said my SPN friends missed me, that I wasn’t really there when I was there. I made the effort to be there. It was easy on Friday, easy during the day on Saturday, but Jensen was there for SNS. The first one since ATLCon. I kept my distance, but I watched him from across the backstage area. He looked terrible. He had a significant amount of makeup on, but even from across the way I could see the dark circles under his eyes. “I’m only doin’ one song.” His voice carried to me like it was hardwired into my brain. “No Eagles, no 'Whipping Post’… I’m thinkin’ Johnny Cash, 'Hurt’.”

“Yeah. I’ll get the acoustic out. You good, though?” Rob’s voice was a little louder than Jensen’s.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m great.”

***Bullshit.*** My brain called out at his Dean Winchester-ish response to the question.

“Y/n, you doin’ 'Gunpowder and Lead’?” Rob asked, looking over at me.

“No, I told Stephen a week ago that I was doing 'Dead Flowers’.” I spoke up. Jensen’s eyes flew to my face, then immediately looked away.

“Oh! Right. Yeah, it’s even on the set list and everything. Duh. Sorry.” Rob nodded and walked away.

“Well, this is gonna be a depressing set.” I tried to joke, but Jensen just walked away toward the table where the bar was set up. “Don’t drink.” I said it just loud enough for him to ignore it if he wanted to but not loud enough for anybody else to hear it. He set his hands on the table, palms pressing into the thick white plastic, his entire stance screaming that he wanted to turn to me, shout at me, fight with me. “It’s not helping you.”

“Well, that’s none of your fuckin’ business, is it?” He growled at me… but he didn’t go for the bottle of scotch, he grabbed a bottle of beer from the Igloo cooler instead.

“I guess that’s better than nothing.” I said to myself as he walked away.

I followed Bri. It always sucks to follow Bri, because she’s so amazing, but at least I didn’t have to follow Jensen. Rob and Billy started up with the guitar almost as soon as I walked on stage. Stephen with soft drums. “ _I feel like the flowers in this vase. He just brought 'em home one day, 'Ain’t they beautiful’ he said. They been here in the kitchen and the water’s turnin’ grey. They’re sittin in the vase but now they’re dead. Dead flowers._ ” If Connie were here, she’d be hugging me. She knows 'Dead Flowers’ is a depression anthem for me, one I fell in love with when Nate and I were having trouble at the beginning of our marriage, before Nova, before he cheated, before he left. “ _I feel like this long string of lights. They lit up our whole house on Christmas Day. But now it’s January and the bulbs have all burned out, but still they hang… like dead flowers._ ” The drums went a little harder as we went into the chorus. “ _He ain’t feelin’ anything. My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain. I’m livin’ in a hurricane, and all he can say is 'Man, ain’t it such a nice day?’ Yeah, yeah._ ”

I tapped my boot and bobbed my head, tried to make it seem like I was having fun, not drowning. Probably should have gone with a happier song. “ _I feel like the tires on this car. He said we won’t go far, but we’re still rollin’. An’ I look in the rear view and I see dead flowers in the yard and that string of lights, but it ain’t glowin’, like dead flowers. Like dead flowers. He ain’t feelin’ anything. My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain. I’m drivin’ through a hurricane. All he can say is 'Man, ain’t it such a nice day?’. Hey, hey, I guess we’ll just go to waste, like dead flowers. Like dead flowers! Dead flowers._ ”

I waved at everybody and vacated the stage as fast as possible, rushing to sit down. Kim and Bri were on me in a moment, wrapping me in hugs and wiping at tears that I hadn’t even realized that I was crying. I couldn’t explain the breakdown and they didn’t ask for an explanation. They just hugged me to them and I cried harder. But not as hard as when Jensen got up on stage and I heard the first few chords out of 'Hurt’ from Rob’s guitar. Jensen’s pain was evident in the way his voice wavered on the words, and it just made me feel so much worse. “ _I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only that’s real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt._ ” From what I could hear from the audience, they were in awe of Jensen. Of course they were. “ _I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar’s chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else. I am still right here. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way._ ” I wiped at my tears and tried to look put together and okay before Jensen made it off the stage, but I could see it didn’t work by the look on his face. Not smug, but satisfied. He was _satisfied_ that I was depressed, too. Jerk.

I assured Kim and Bri that I was fine and vacated the con hotel. I made Jared come to me the next day. I couldn’t risk being at the con hotel with Jensen. I waited at the restaurant for an hour before he showed up and threw himself into the booth seat across from me. “Sorry. Fuckin’ ops went long. I got into a conversation and almost walked away with this fan, forgot I had shit to do. Sorry. You weren’t waiting too long, were you?”

I shook my head. If I could watch my lap for a half hour while waiting for Tom, then I could play with my phone for an hour while waiting for Jared. “It was cool. I got to catch up on my _Hogwarts Mystery_. So… how’s life?”

“No, you.” Jared said, seriously, leaning forward. “Tell me what’s wrong. Where’d the depression come from?” I shrugged, picking at my nails. “Okay, _when_ did it start?”

I bit my lip. “Three weeks ago. It’s hard to explain.”

“Come on. Talk to me.”

I swallowed and sighed. “Um… so… I think it started in the bedroom. Or that’s where it manifested. Just like with Nate.” I looked down at the table top. “We were doing a thing… a kinky thing, and I couldn’t do it. I safe-worded like a weak-ass bitch and it just filled me with this… feeling… like I was a weak-ass bitch. And then I started…” I shook my head at myself. “I’ve been faking it for weeks. Lying every time I’m lying with him, which just makes me feel worse about myself because it’s exactly what I did with Nate and Nate was terrible and Tom is not and maybe I just don’t want Tom to own me, anymore.” I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand. That was an unintentional slip.

“So, he _is_ treating you like… like a piece of property?” Jared asked, quietly.

“It’s not like that.”

“He tells you what to do. He makes you do things that require safe words and-”

“He doesn’t _make_ me do anything.”

“Does he own you? Does he _think_ he owns you?” Jared shook his head. “He fuckin’ controls you. He tells you what you can do, who you can hang with, all under the guise of 'what’s best for you’ or 'making your life better’, right? I can fuckin’ understand it in the bedroom, y/n. Sometimes I spank Gen’s ass and call her my slut, but I don’t think she’s my property. I don’t like that he’s treating you like that, y/n, and I don’t think you do, either.”

I bit the inside of my lip and sighed. “Not really. I mean, in bed it’s not so bad, a firm hand to control a bit is sexy… but… Nate ran my life for five years. My comings and goings, where I spent my money, where I spent my time, what I focused my energy on. He kept my car keys attached to his belt so that I couldn’t leave the house without asking first. Nate was malicious about it and I-I don’t think Tom is being malicious, but… I want to be my own person.”

“Would he stop if you asked him to?”

I looked at my fingernails. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask him to _start_.”

“He just _decided_ to take over control of your life one day?”

“He’s not a bad guy, Jared.” I whispered and I wholeheartedly believe it. “He’s seriously amazing and I love him. I just don’t want him to be… in charge of me, you know? I like being in charge of me. Even if I make bad decisions sometimes.”

“That wasn’t a bad decision, y/n.” Jared said, sighing. “Jay’s the only one who made a bad decision, there. _He_ got too close, not you. He’s the one that fucked up. You made fine fucking decisions, y/n. When you’re in charge of your life, your life gets better. Fuckin’ believe that shit.” He shook his head, moved around to my side of the booth and wrapped his arms around me. “Ask him to stop. Ask him to stop and if he doesn’t, fuckin’ run. You deserve more than what Jay could give you but you also deserve to run your own damn life, y/n.”

Jared gives the best hugs. Like, as bad as I felt before the hug, that’s as good as I felt after. I felt like everything was going to be okay, not because I felt controlled like I always felt with Tom, but because I felt supported and lifted up. I left to meet Tom in Seoul on a high, feeling like I could do anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom greeted me in the lobby of our hotel, took my baggage and we headed for the elevators. “How was the convention?”

“Uh, it was okay. But, uh, I need to talk to you.”

“That sounds rather serious.”

My heart started racing. I really didn’t want to possibly end my relationship, but I’d made a decision and I was gonna see it through. “It’s… _kinda_ serious.” We entered the room and I sat down on the king bed, looking up at him. “I don’t wanna do the Dom/sub stuff, anymore.” His eyes widened, but I made myself keep talking. “It’s just not working for me, anymore. I mean, I’m okay with it every once in a while, but I feel like I’m a little out of control of my own life and I don’t want you to be 'sir’ in daily life anymore.” I finished, quickly.

Tom knelt down in front of me, hands on my thighs. “Is this why you’ve been sad?”

“You noticed?” I squeaked.

“Of course, I did. I just thought you’d come to me when you were ready to talk about it.” He rubbed his thumbs in deep massaging circles on my thighs. “I went too far?”

“It’s just… I might not be the most proactive with my own life… I’ve lucked into a lot of the shit I have, _you_ included, but… no one except me gets to run my life, Tom. Suggest things to me. Please, help me stay motivated, but don’t _make_ me do things, anymore.” My lip quivered as I kept talking. “And you don’t get to punish me for going against your wishes.”

“You’ve been thinking about this since _The Late Show_?” He asked, then sighed. “The clips were too far.”

“This isn’t about the sex stuff, Tom. This is about the fact that I made a rational choice on _The Late Show_ to do our jobs and promote the movie and you decided to punish me for it. Even if it weren’t a sexual punishment, it still would have been an issue, you know? If you love me, then don’t try to control my life.”

“Of course I love you. I adore everything about you. I’m sorry, y/n. How can I fix it?” He asked, softly. Tears popped up along my lashes as he moved to take the leather band off of my wrist and tossed it across the room.

“Kiss me. Hold me. Make me feel like you never want to let me go, but not like I can never leave. Can you do that?”

“I’m more than happy to try.” His hands grabbed my head, brushing his lips across mine. “Can I take your shoes off?” He whispered and I nodded so he slid my memory foam shoes off of my feet and gestured for me to lay down on the bed. We laid on our sides, limbs tangled, and we just made out for a while before I fell asleep in his arms. 

He didn’t go running the next morning, staying under the covers with me, keeping his arms wrapped around me. “I don’t want to lose you.” He whispered when he noticed my eyes were open. “I wish you’d told me before that it was bugging you. You’ve been unhappy for almost a month and I… I just wish you’d told me.”

“I was scared that it’d disappoint you. That’s why I didn’t say anything. That’s why I… why I didn’t say I was sad.” I didn’t say what else I was holding back telling him about to avoid disappointing him.

“You could never disappoint me, y/n. I was just trying to do what’s best.”

“Don’t say that.” I whispered, shaking my head. “Tom. Just… let’s just move forward. Can we do that?”

“I’d like nothing more.” He kissed me, hand going to my hip and love in his eyes. And that’s all it took. For the first time in almost a month, when Tom put in the effort to make me come apart, it worked.


	6. Fix It

  


**Chapter Warnings:** mentions of past D/s relationship, mentions of alcohol abuse, mentions of cheating, groping, mentions of divorce, anxiety, panic attack

* * *

It was hard to go back to Vancouver. I knew I’d be working on First Unit scenes, scenes with Jensen and I didn’t have to ask to know that Tom was worried about it. “You know I love you, right?” I asked as he walked me to the gate, moving slowly with our hands clasped together.

“You love him, too.”

I swallowed and shook my head. “That doesn’t matter. I won’t deny what I feel for him. I won’t lie to you, but… I love _you_ and you are…”

“I don’t mind being the consolation prize, dea- hn… darling. Just… keep me in mind while you’re away.”

“Tom, you’re not the consolation prize.” He just shook his head and pressed his lips to my forehead. “I love you, Tom.”

“I love you, too, y/n. Call me when you land?” He was so sure not to order me to do anything and I appreciated his effort so much.

“Of course. You gonna call me when you get to Heathrow?” He nodded and smiled, but there was a sadness underlying it. He just knew that he was in danger of losing me if he wasn’t there to mediate my interactions with Jensen. I was sure he was wrong.

When they handed me the script for my first episode of season 14, though, my jaw dropped. I guess the writers finally came to a consensus while I was off playing Sin. “They fuck. Dean and Tara fuck in this episode, Tom. What am I gonna _do_?” I whispered furiously into my cell phone as I paced in the parking.

“Your job.” He started simply, but I could hear it in his voice, he was nervous. “I know it won’t be easy, darling, but you’ve simply got to act as though-”

“As though it’s not completely awkward and terrible? Tom, I’ve barely _spoken_ to him in the last three months. I’ve spent every con since Atlanta with a hard-driven ‘Will Not Appear Sunday’ on my schedule just to limit my exposure to him, and now? Now I have to go in there and pretend to fuck him like-”

“You don’t have vivid memories of actually doing it. Yes. This is what you signed up for.”

“I didn’t think they were gonna fucking do it! The writers hadn’t-” I sighed, heavily. I really hadn’t thought they were going to turn Tara into a love interest. “Just do the job and get out. Okay. I got this… right?”

“Of course you do, my love, and I’ll be here for you when you need support.”

“Thanks, Tom.” I took a deep breath. “I guess I should go talk to him.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks. I’ll call later… probably tomorrow morning your time.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

I smiled as I hung up, but it melted as I remembered my next mission. I knocked on Jensen’s trailer door, that door that I used to walk through as if it were my own, and waited. “Come in!” He called and I pulled the door open with shaky hands. He sighed when he saw me. “Figured it would be you. Welcome back.” I could tell he was trying to keep the coldness out of his voice. He seemed sober, at least mostly, but the trailer smelled distinctly of beer.

“You got the pages for Wednesday?” I asked, timidly.

He nodded. “Yup.”

I leaned against his counter, looking across his trailer, but making sure not to look into his eyes. “So… how do we-”

“We follow the script, y/n. Just like every other scene we’ve ever done.” He snapped. “You’re gonna be Tara and I’m gonna be Dean and they’re gonna share a messy first kiss, and then Dean’s gonna fuck Tara on one of the tables in the library. And then I’m gonna come back to my trailer and you’re gonna go to your motel and call your boyfriend.”

“Jensen, I-”

“Y/n… just… look, I know this probably isn’t any easier for you than me, but… I fuckin’ miss you, and to have you right there, right in front of me, and to know that…” Jensen shook his head and cleared his throat. “Least he treats you good. That declaration of love on Facebook… grand gesture I could never…”

I flushed at the memory of being so pissed off at something Jensen would’ve loved to do for me. “I didn’t want him to. I told him _not_ to.” I said, quietly.

“Well, that’s nice. He can’t even follow simple requests.” Jensen rolled his eyes.

“Come on, Jay, don’t-”

He put a finger up to silence me. “ _Don’t_ 'Jay’ me. I’m having to fight back callin’ you 'Baby Girl’ so you’re gonna respect my damn effort and call me 'Jensen’.”

Tears stung my eyes and I tried to blink them away, but that just made the tears fall. “Jensen, please. You can’t tell me you don’t understand.”

“I understand. I understand just fine.” A tear rolled out of the corner of his eye and left a wet path down his face. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t matter that you saw the end of my marriage rapidly approaching because I couldn’t get you out of my head and distanced yourself for _my family’s_ good. It doesn’t matter that your boyfriend capitalized on that distance the _moment_ you created it.”

He stepped right in front of me and swallowed before clearing his throat. “What matters is I haven’t talked to you in months, but I still go to call you after we wrap every night. What matters is you left a bottle of perfume behind and I can’t bring myself to throw it out because it’s the only way I can keep the pillows on your side of the bed smelling right. What matters is that I’m so in love that it _hurts_ and the fact that you saw it, saw how I felt, and _left_ so that I wouldn’t fuck up my life over you…”

He raised his right hand to cup my cheek and gave a little gasp when I let him do it. “That just makes me love you more.”

I closed my eyes but I didn’t pull away from his touch as more tears ran down my face. “You can’t.”

His grip moved to the back of my neck and he pulled me closer to him. “You say that but it doesn’t change a thing about how I feel… Baby Girl, your protests don’t change a goddamn thing.”

I shivered at being called 'Baby Girl’ again and shook my head, pulling away slightly, but his hand came down to grasp at my hip and pull me against his body. My eyes shot open and looked into his eyes. Beautiful green orbs with pink in the whites. Eyes I dreamed of, threatening to suck me in and drown me in him. “Jensen, _I_ can’t.” I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away but not too far. “I’m not… I’m not that woman.” I hoped he understood what I meant: that I wasn’t a homewrecker, that I wasn’t a cheater.

“I know.” He whispered. He released his grip on me, stepped back and nodded. “It’s why I love you. You’re too good for me.” He chuckled, but it was a sad sound. “But you’re too good for Loki, too.”

I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. “Tell that to everyone who’s been spamming my Twitter with death threats.” I sighed and shook my head. “Tom’s got some rabid fans… but I’m sure they’re not as bad as _our_ fans would be if they found out-”

“That Danneel is divorcing me?” Jensen looked down as he picked up a beer I hadn’t noticed on the table. My face fell in shock and he gave another humorless chuckle. “It’s not official, yet, but she’s talking to lawyers.”

“No!” I exclaimed, slamming my fist against the counter hard enough to cause tingling pain to shoot up my arm. “No, you have to fix it! I did not walk away so that you could _still_ fuck it up!” He gave me a look somewhere between shocked and offended. “You _love_ her. You love her and you love your kids and you just have to get over this stupid other-”

“My feelings are stupid, now?” He asked, definitely offended now.

“ _That_ feeling is stupid! That, you feeling like you think you’re in love with me is stupid. You…” I threw my hands in the air. “Go to fucking couples’ counseling or something. Go see a fucking shrink, go fucking fix this! Fix! It!” I shouted.

“We fuckin’ _were_!” Jensen growled. “We’ve spent the last three months in counseling. It hasn’t worked!”

“Try harder!” I demanded. “Three months, in between shooting and cons, that’s not long enough. Try-”

“I don’t want to!” He exclaimed, tossing his beer at his feet. It exploded, spraying us both with hoppy suds and brown glass. He barely seemed to notice. “I am _tired_ of trying to not love you. I tried! I can’t fuckin’ do it. So you didn’t fuck up my family, y/n, I did.”

I tried to swallow away the heavy breathing and my heart in my throat, but I couldn’t. “Fuck, Jay.” I covered my mouth with my hand and shook my head.

He looked pained as he licked his bottom lip into his mouth. “I know…” He started, but then he stopped himself, biting his lips harshly. “I know you’re with Tom. I know he loves you. I… really want you not to love him, but… I saw you on Colbert and I watched the interviews at your premieres, saw how you-”

I stepped forward, crunching over glass as I approached him and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

“You got nothing to be sorry for, Baby Girl.” He whispered, wrapping strong arms around me.

“You’re wrong.” I disagreed. “If I’d never come here, you wouldn’t…”

“No, hey.” He looked down into my eyes. “Never say that. If you had never come here, you’d be-”

“Depressed, but _you_ wouldn’t be. It’d just be me sad and you’d still be happily-”

His lips were on mine in an instant, hands going to the backs of my thighs and hauling me up around his waist. His hands moved to grasp at my ass as our tongues moved against each other. In the back of my head, I knew I shouldn’t be doing this. In the back of my head, I was thinking about Tom and how supportive and loving he’d been to me. But I wasn’t thinking with the back of my head. I was thinking with my stupid fucking heart and my ridiculous body that remembered Jensen’s body and the way it made me feel.

I wasn’t thinking with the back of my head, so I let Jensen walk me to the bed in the back room. I let him lay us down on the mattress and let him attach his lips to my neck, his hands pushing under my shirt to grope at my lace-covered breasts. I let him grind his erection against my core.

I stopped him when he went to unbutton my jeans, my fingers wrapping around his wrist. “Don’t.” I whispered. His features fell as he looked down into my face. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to… I’m not trying to be a tease, Jay, but…”

“I get it.” He rolled off of me. “You don’t want to do to Tom what Nate did to you.”

I was shaking as I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head against his chest. “I’m so sorry. Everything so… messy.”

Jensen sighed and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed the top of my head and let his lips linger in my hair. “It’s okay. I can handle the mess. Long as I’ve got you with me, I can handle any mess.”

It should have bugged me that he just assumed I was _with_ him, but I was already half-composing a 'Dear John’ letter to Tom in my head, so he wasn’t wrong… and I felt terrible about that, but I fell asleep in Jensen’s arms before I could think too hard about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke a little while later to the sound of whispering in the main room. “It’s asking for fuckin’ trouble.” Jared whispered.

“Dee’s already leaving me. What more trouble could she give me?” Jay replied.

“She could take everything, dude. The house, the kids, the brewery, your fuckin’ good clubs, just for spite.”

“She can have 'em! Well, not the kids, but anything else she wants to use against me? She can have it. I already lost y/n once. Not happening again.”

“What about Tom? I might not like the guy, but she’s got a fuckin’ boyfriend.”

“And that’s why she’s still got clothes on right now, but as soon as she breaks it off with him, I’m gonna make her scream and I don’t care who hears it.”

“Danneel hasn’t even filed, yet. You can’t start fucking another woman when she hasn’t filed, because then she can say _that’s_ the reason.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the money, Jared.”

“You should.” I said, opening the door and stepping out.

Jay smiled at me. “Hey, Baby Girl. How was your nap?”

“You should care about the money, Jay. 'cause even if she doesn’t hit you for everything, the judge’ll still-”

Jensen moved to put his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about-”

“Jensen, of the three of us in this room, only one of us has been through a divorce. So, let me use my sad expertise to help you get your mind right.” Jared smirked as I moved past them to the kitchen area and grabbed a bottle of water from the mini-fridge. “She’s gonna get a shitload of child support out of you, whether she goes at you hard or not. The judge is just gonna give it to her. Three young children, two of whom are still in diapers, daycare, private school, nanny, that’s gonna be a lot. If she wants, Danneel will definitely be able to get alimony, since she hasn’t done much acting since _One Tree Hill_ , unless you count the _Harold and Kumar_ movies, but I can’t imagine those made bank for anyone besides John Cho, Kal Penn and NPH.”

I took a drink of water and continued. “If she files with 'Infidelity’ as the reason, the judge is just gonna _hand_ her everything.”

“Isn’t she gonna do that, anyway? She’s leaving because I couldn’t get rid of how I feel about you.”

“No. Our old arrangement, that wasn’t infidelity. You had her express permission. Hell, she suggested me, and if you’ve still got the phone you had in January last year, then you’ve got proof on there, I recorded the Skype call with Danneel.”

Jensen pulled his phone out. “Really?”

“Yeah. Figured if the media found out, it’d be good to have proof that I wasn’t a homewrecker or whatever.”

“Huh.” He bit his lip as the video started playing.

_**'Y/n said that’. If I were a jealous woman, things might be different, but I saw this as an opportunity.” “Really?” “Really. Jensen has a high sex drive, honey. He needs someone to fill that role whe-** _

Jensen stopped the video and looked up at me. “You thought of this in the few seconds after I handed over my phone to you?” His voice was impressed.

“My dad taught me to cover my ass. As soon as I knew we weren’t doing anything wrong, I knew I needed proof of it not being anything wrong. That wasn’t infidelity, but anything we do now… it would be, because you don’t have permission, anymore.” I sighed, feeling a confused anxiety start to rise up in my chest. “And there’s Tom.”

“Tom’s an ass.” Jared provided.

“No, he’s not. He’s a good man. He's…” I ran my hand through my hair, resisting the urge to tug on it in an attempt to get myself grounded. “Fuck, and he was so worried that he was going to lose me, that’s why he was so controlling and now-”

“Controlling?” Jensen interrupted, his expression going serious and cold. “Controlling, _how_?”

I bit my lip and looked down. That look on his face wasn’t doing anything helpful for my anxiety. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. What did he do?”

“Tom thinks she belongs to him.” Jared answered, which made me flinch.

I shook my head. “No. I talked to him. It wasn’t that big a deal anymore.” I sighed and looked down at my phone. “I will tell you all about it later. Right now, we need to get to work.”

“You _are_ gonna dump him, right?” Jensen asked as I started to walk toward the door.

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “I don’t fucking know! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here!”

Jensen gave a reassuring smile and stepped toward me. “Y/n/n, you just-”

“No, shut up.” I demanded, trying to breathe and having trouble with it. “Don’t tell me to calm down, don’t tell me that everything’s gonna be fine, because nothing feels fine, right now!” My head started to feel dizzy and I knew I was having a full-blown panic attack. I hadn’t had one in a very long time, but it isn’t a feeling one forgets. “You’re getting divorced, Jensen. Your beautiful, amazing family is going to be broken in half an-and that’s not fine, and Tom told the world about me and him and if I break up with him? If I break up with him for my not-even-divorced-yet coworker, what kinda whore am I? What kinda bitch am I?”

My hand went over my heart and I tried to suck in a big gulp of air, but my lungs wouldn’t fill. Jared rushed to my side. “You’re having a panic attack. Do you have any Ativan, y/n?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t needed them. I… I can’t breathe.” I slid to sit on the steps by the door, still trying to catch a breath.

“Jensen, go tell Rich that y/n’s gonna be late.” Jay looked lost for a second, like he wanted to stay with me, but he eventually stepped past me and out the door as Jared wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly against his chest. “Come on, take a nice, deep breath and hold it for me.” I made myself follow his instruction, made myself stop hyperventilating and take one big breath. “Good, now let it out, super slow. Better?”

“Little bit.” I responded, blinking at the tears pricking at my eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Jared.” I ran my hand up to my hair again and tugged, lightly. It had the grounding effect I was looking for and my next breath came a little easier. “Shoulda watched more chick flicks. I have no idea what to do about being in love with two amazing, attractive men who both want me.”

“What do you say, ya make it through work today and you can come over to my trailer and we’ll watch _Bridget Jones_ or something?” Jared squeezed me and I nodded. “Sound good?”

“Yeah. Sounds good. Pizza? I feel like pizza would help everything about my life right now.”

“Fuck yeah, pizza. And, hey, maybe you wanna call your daughter?”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” I was suddenly exhausted, the adrenaline of the panic attack leaving me and taking all of my energy with it.

“You comin’ down?”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna come lie down on the couch in my trailer?”

“Yeah.” Jared helped me out of Jensen’s trailer and into his own. I set the alarm on my phone for forty-five minutes and closed my eyes. “Tell Rich-”

“I got it. Just take another little nap and we’ll see you in about an hour, okay?”

I nodded and was out almost as soon as he closed the door behind him. 


	7. Done

Something More: Part Seven

  


**Chapter Warnings:** breakups, mentions of cheating, groping, mentions of divorce, dry-humping, mutual masturbation

* * *

I woke up about half an hour later and rushed back to Hair and Makeup for a quick touch-up before I ran back to the stages. My drama had already delayed shooting long enough. I entered timidly, tried not to call attention to myself as Jared and Jensen talked as Sam and Dean in the Library where Dean and Tara were going to sleep together. **  
**

“Cut!” Richard shouted, jumping up from his director’s chair and running to my side. “You good?”

“Yeah. Breakdown’s over.” I said it as cheerfully as possible.

“And you and Jensen? That all good?” Because of course our friends noticed the tension even if they didn’t know what caused it.

“Better-ish.” I shrugged. “He’s sober and I’m here, so… take it as a good sign.”

“Well, Dara becomes canon tomorrow, so try to get things better than ‘better-ish’ before then, okay?” I nodded. The fans deserved this scene to be amazing. They deserved to see a character they identify with get something good.

Focusing on the other stuff was hard, the lead-up to the sex scene, the monster of the week that Tara was doing a spell to find. I butchered the Latin four times before I made my brain focus on it enough to speak the words.

I left before the guys. I needed to take a long walk in the cold to clear my head. It didn’t help. I was still confused. I ended up at Black Bear with Jared.

“I know I’m the only one you can talk to about this, but I can’t even _pretend_ not to be fuckin’ biased.” Jared shrugged, adjusting his beanie. “I don’t like Tom, and Jensen’s my best friend. You can guess who I think you should pick.”

“Jare…”

“I don’t like how he fuckin’ treats you, y/n. He might’ve backed off, for now, but if he puts a ring on your finger I guarantee it’ll be just like that bracelet you kept fucking with last time we were here.” I looked down at my lap. “Jensen’s not like that. You know he’s not. Jensen’s a great guy, always has been.”

“I _know_. I’d never say any different.”

“And you miss him.”

“Yeah, but-”

“And you love him.”

“Yes.”

“And you’d be grateful for a relationship that you can tell people about, but also one with someone who’d respect you hiding it from the media.”

“Of course.”

“Then you already know who to pick, right?”

“You say it like it’s easy. Jay’s the only guy I’ve ever broken up with instead being broken up with and we weren’t really dating and so it wasn’t really me leaving him, but it still almost broke him. I can’t break Tom. I mean, everybody knows we’re together an-and we’re making plans, like, future plans, _real_ plans.”

“If you marry him, you’re going to end up in the same position you were in with Nate.”

“You don’t know that.” I shook my head.

“I don’t _know_ it. But you do. Was Nate _always_ as bad as he ended up being?” I didn’t answer. “No, he started out amazing, right? Just like Tom. Jensen’s not hiding some controlling dark side, y/n, but Tom was, and that’s not going away just because you told him you don’t like it.”

I looked at the ceiling. “Jared, it’s… see, this is why I didn’t want people to know I was dating Tom, because I didn’t want people to speculate, to talk about why it ended, and fuck, why does everything have to be so fuckin’ complicated?”

Jared laughed. “Because life’s like that. And let people speculate, okay? Let people say that you dumped Tom for whatever reason they want. You’ll know the truth.”

“This is so _hard_!” I whined.

“Sorry. You’ll be all right, though.”

“Thanks.” I said sarcastically.

“I’m here for you when you need me, but… come on. Tom’s a dick, just like your ex.”

“Maybe that’s why I… I was having trouble when he was… I drew the parallels between him and Nate, or how I was acting with him and how I acted with Nate. I saw the signs and instead of doing something about it, I closed down… because I didn’t want to confront it.”

“Sounds right to me, but what do I know? I just play a smart guy on TV.”

I took a deep breath and pulled out my phone. “I should do this in person, right?”

“Generally. When’s the next time you’re gonna get to see him in person?”

“I don’t know. He’s doing something at the Pinter for the next few weeks. God, I wasn’t even paying attention.” I ran my hand down my face. I totally checked out before I even came back to Vancouver. “Can I just hide in a cave until everyone’s forgotten about me?”

“It’s not that bad. Just think, once Danneel has filed for divorce, you and Jay can be together again.”

“If you really think we’re gonna be able to keep away from each other until she files, you obviously don’t know us very well.”

“Yeah, I do. You’re the kind of woman who leaves a relationship that’s making you happy to keep his family from being hurt. You always make the choice that hurts the fewest people. Even if you’re one of the people who ends up hurt. You’re not gonna let yourself hurt Jensen for something like sex.”

I swallowed. “Yeah, you’re right, but… it’s not going to be easy.”

“I’m sure you can handle it. Besides, you have to see your boyfriend in person so you can break up with him before you mess around with Jensen.”

I didn’t call Tom when I got back to the motel. I couldn’t imagine talking to him without having that conversation, holding it off until I could see him in person and pretending like everything was just fine. I woke to a dozen messages. Literally, twelve messages, all from Tom, asking why I hadn’t called him, what was wrong, where was I… **Are you with him?**

I responded with a curt _**I’m busy. I wasn’t with Jensen. Calm your shit.**_

My phone immediately rang. “Tom, I’m late getting to the studio. I had a drink after work with Jared, I was exhausted when I got back to the motel, I didn’t want to get into a long conversation, so I didn’t call. I’m sorry.”

“We don’t greet our phone conversations, anymore?” His voice was cold, anger not even disguised.

“Not when I’m late for work and you bombarded my phone with some high-maintenance fuckin’ texts while I was sleeping.” I spat at him through the phone.

“You’ve lost your manners after just a few days?”

“I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

“Don’t do this.” His voice was suddenly quiet, sad.

“Do what?”

“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” I didn’t respond. “I knew this would happen. I knew you were going to fall right back into his arms. Never mind he has a wife and-”

“I haven’t done anything, Tom.” I took a deep breath and set the phone to speaker. I moved sit on the bed, legs crossed under me. “I wasn’t gonna do this over the phone ‘cause that’s terrible, but I’m not gonna sit here and let you manipulate me. I’m done.”

“Done?”

I closed my eyes, but tears fell down my cheeks, anyway. “I’m done with us. I can’t… I can’t let you take me back to who I was with Nathan.”

“You can’t think I-”

“You sent me twelve messages because I didn’t call you before I went to bed last night. I don’t owe you a call. This is just a single example of how you’ve tried to control me and… I can’t, anymore. I’m sorry, Tom.”

“Please,” he whispered. “Please, don’t.”

I took a steadying breath and shook my head. “Whenever you wanna announce our split, go right ahead.”

“Y/n, don’t hang up on me. Please, talk to me about this! I can do better, I can be less overbearing! I was just so worried because you didn’t call. I’ll do better, I’ll-”

“I’m sorry.” I reached forward, intent to hang up the phone.

“You can’t do this to me!” He shouted, making me flinch. “You cannot leave me like this! We were going to buy a condo. We were going to be married! I already picked out a ring!”

“And there’s the anger again.” I swallowed, making myself take another steadying breath. “There’s a cycle that manipulative assholes go through. I learned it with Nathan.”

“I am _nothing_ like your ex-husband.”

“You’re _exactly_ like my ex-husband. But luckily I have enough self-worth to recognize it, now. Goodbye, Tom.”

My eyes were red and puffy when I got to work, but Trisha put drops in my eyes that rid me of the red and a serum on my lids to reduce the puff and by the time she was done with me, no one could see that I had spent the morning in tears.

Well, except Jay. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

I resisted the urge to bite my lip. “I broke up with Tom.”

Jensen hid his smile well, but his eyes sparkled. “Really? Jared said you were gonna wait ‘til you were face to face. What changed?”

“Yeah, well, that was the plan… until he blew up my phone with… doesn’t matter, it’s over.” I shook my head. “But it’s not an invitation, Jay.”

“I know.” He nodded.

“Anyway, we have to focus on… on work. Dean/Tara is canon today.”

“Yes, it is.” He smiled, softly. “Come on, Baby Girl. Let’s get to work.”

“Thank you, Jay.”

Richard was excited to get us to work on the ‘Most Important Scene of the Episode’ as he loudly announced it to the entire soundstage. Jensen double-checked that I was okay and then we moved to the Library set. This scene was right on the heels of a scene where Tara did a spell to save Dean from a magic sickness that had incapacitated him. Richard gave me my blocking, checked that Jensen knew his blocking, and walked off. “Action!”

Jensen sat on the table behind me, one foot propped up on a chair and the other on the floor. “Seems like you keep saving my life.” I hummed in acknowledgment of the words, but didn’t turn to him, focusing on setting the spell ingredients in the copper bowl, even though the camera was set where you couldn’t see what my hands were doing. “Why? It’s not like we got anything on you. No leverage or incentive to keep showing up and saving our asses. It can’t just be my rugged good looks.” I took a deep breath. “So, why is it that the Grand Coven’s best tutor keeps poppin’ up to save a couple hunters?”

“Do you wanna know how I ended up with the Grand Coven, Dean?” I turned to him, leaning back against the edge of the table. “I was an orphan. My parents were both murdered by a werewolf when I was seven.”

Jensen looked down. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“It woulda got me too, but a hunter and his son showed up and killed it, pulled me out of my hiding spot and took me to the hospital. The most vivid memories I have of that night are…” I sniffled and took a deep breath before continuing. “…the sounds of my parents drowning in their own blood, the smell of gunpowder on the hunter as he held me to his chest and carried me out to his car, the green of his son’s eyes, the brown of the leather jacket the boy wrapped me in on the way to the hospital, and the rumbling of a Chevy engine so loud I couldn’t hear my own sobbing.”

Recognition filled Jensen’s expression. I gave a small smile, then shook my head. “Olivette was very good at one thing: sensing potential. She saw me and she knew that, if she didn’t take me and teach me, she would be dealing with a very motivated hunter. So, she adopted me, taught me magic, swayed me away from the path I was heading down… and then promptly found something better to do. It’s why I had to take up with Rowena to get my learning finished. But, even if I don’t have the skills to be a hunter… if I can keep the ones who have the skills alive… if I can prevent other people from going through what I went through… that’s just as good, right?”

“Ninja Turtles.” Jensen said with a single nod.

“What?”

“I let you wear my jacket because all you had on were these thin Ninja Turtles pajamas.”

I nodded. “Donatello. He was my favorite. Yeah, those pjs got taken from me at the first foster home I was sent to. Apparently girls aren’t supposed to like the Ninja Turtles.”

Jensen stood, stepping close to me as the cameraman moved to take in both of our profiles. “Tara, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I wanted you to trust me based on my merits, not out of pity.”

He shook his head, stepping closer again. “Tara, I don’t pity you.”

“Well, you don’t much _like_ me, either. You don’t hide how you feel about witches and-” Jensen silenced me by splaying his right hand across the back of my head, just under my ponytail, and pulling me into a kiss. I made sure to squeak before I melted into the kiss, but I still melted completely.

“Cut! I am going to need you to look more shocked about that kiss.” Richard jumped up and rushed to me.

“What?”

“You have obviously been preparing for the kiss, and I can tell you enjoyed yourself, but Tara hasn’t prepared. She’s completely off-guard, so you have to be shocked, _then_ enjoy yourself.”

“Okay. But I mean, I _am_ prepared.”

“That’s why it’s called ‘acting’, sweetheart.” Rich teased. “Why don’t you go get a coffee while I talk to Jensen for a minute?” I nodded and went to get coffee.

Five minutes later, I was back at the table, helping the prop master reset the spell components on the table, when Jensen came over. “Hey, so I was thinking that you, me and Jared could go get somethin’ to eat after we wrap tonight.” He moved closer to me and I turned around to face him. “Maybe Black Bear or something?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, Jared and I did Black Bear last night, bu-” Jensen cut me off by grasping the back of my head and pressing his lips to mine. My eyes went wide. He’d never kissed me in front of people and there were a _lot_ of people around. I tried to pull back a bit, but Jensen’s other hand went to my hip and pulled me closer, so I melted into it, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around his neck.

He smirked at me when he pulled back, then looked over at Rich. “You guys get that?”

“Yep! If she can’t get her shit together for the next few takes, we can cut that into the footage.”

I slapped my hand into Jensen’s chest. “You jerk!”

He laughed. “Hey, it was Rich’s idea, not mine. And it worked. You were shocked.”

I nodded. “Yes, I was… very shocked.”

We did a few more takes of the kiss scene but I don’t think any of them were as good as the take where I didn’t know we were filming, and then they cleared all non-essentials off the soundstage and we got ready for the sex scene. “Okay, so we go straight from the kiss to the push onto the table. Heavy breathing, heavy petting, Dean rips Tara’s blouse off, then she pulls his shirt off. Then, there’s the fun thrusting motions. We’ll run through it, see what needs to be tweaked.” Richard directed from his chair.

I wrapped my arms around Jensen’s neck and looked up at him. “You ready?” he whispered, barely audible. I nodded. “It’ll be fine.” He smiled.

“Action!”

Jensen pressed his lips to mine again, passionately, our tongues curling against each other, then he pushed me onto the table I was leaning against before. He leaned over me, pressing his body into mine as his hands groped at all the places that he _knew_ made me crazy. When I started moaning, he adjusted to kiss my neck as he grabbed Tara’s blouse and ripped it open, sending a few buttons flying. “Dean!” Jensen shushed me and kissed his way across my stomach. “What are you doing?”

Jensen leaned up and looked down at me, and if there weren’t a camera in our faces I might have got lost in that look. “Do you really need to ask, sweetheart?” He didn’t wait for a response, just kissing me again. I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him back enough to get space to grab the hem of Dean’s black shirt and pull it over Jensen’s head and toss it away from us. I ran my hands down his chest, running my nails across his nipples because if he was gonna fuck with me then I was gonna fuck with him.

Unfortunately, that backfired because by the time we got to the ‘fun thrusting motions’, he was hard as hell and thrusting hard against my core, getting me worked up in the worst way. “Oh, my gods.” I kept in character, but gripped the edge of the table and tried to keep from losing it over Jay dry-humping me on fucking camera.

“Cut!” I took a deep breath and waited for Jensen to move, but he didn’t.

“Could we get a minute?!” Jay yelled. Rich gave us twenty minutes, cleared the camera crew off, told everyone to grab a snack. “My trailer.” Jay demanded, pulling me by the hand out of the stage area.

“Jensen, we can’t.” I tried to stop him, but he just kept pulling me. “Jensen, no!” I wasn’t able to pull my hand from his until we were in his trailer.

“I know!” He chuckled, walking over to drop himself onto the couch. “But I need to rub one out and I think you probably do, too. Figured, can’t touch each other… who says mutual masturbation’s against the rules?”

I opened my mouth to argue, but closed it almost immediately. It wasn’t strictly a good idea, it was definitely naughty and a fidelity no-no, but it wasn’t touching. I sat in the recliner and popped the button on my jeans. “Come on, Baby Girl. Turn so I can see you.” Jensen kicked his foot out and turned the recliner so that it was facing the little couch. We both pulled our jeans down our thighs and went to work dispelling the sexual energy we built up on the Library table. Our eyes never left each other. I kept flicking my gaze between his hand moving up and down his length (and god, I didn’t realize how much I missed his dick) and the look of bliss on his face. He seemed to keep his focus mostly on my hand between my thighs, rubbing quick circles around my clit. When he came, though, his eyes were on my face.

He cleaned up and knelt down next to the recliner, not touching me or the chair, just watching. “You havin’ trouble getting there?”

“It’s not as easy for a woman, Jay.” I panted.

“I don’t know about that. I always got you there pretty fast, Baby Girl. Think about the first time, in the cab.” I swallowed. “Think about how easy it was for just two fingers to get you off, the noises you were makin’. You ever make yourself make that noise, y/n, or is it just me?” I whimpered, getting closer just on his voice even without the images he was putting in my head. “Oh, sweetheart, I can’t wait to get inside you again. I dream about the way your pussy squeezes my dick, how you taste like fuckin’ heaven, how you dig the heels of your feet into the small of-”

“Jay! Oh, my god!” My orgasm crashed over me and I let out a shuddering moan.

He smirked and stood, walking over to grab a bottle of water for each of us. “Didn’t even have to touch you to get you off.”

“Don’t sound so proud of yourself.” I said, breathlessly, as I fixed my clothes and unscrewed the top on the water.

“How can I _not_?” He asked, his eyebrow raising. “Now, get hydrated. We gotta go do that scene a couple more times.”

I groaned and he laughed, loudly. I could tell that it was going to be a very long day.


	8. Ugly Heart

**Chapter Warnings:** breakups, domestic violence (Tom is worse than an asshole in this, **A REMINDER THAT THIS IS FICTION!!!! I KNOW THAT TOM IS NOT REALLY LIKE THIS AND I WISH HIM NO HARM** ), **18+ HERE BE SEX, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** fingering, oral (fem rec), unprotected vaginal sex

* * *

I kept waiting for my notifications to go crazy with an announcement that Tom and I were through, but it didn’t happen. He was so apt to tell the world he had me, but he wouldn’t tell them he’d chased me off.

I learned why on Friday. He thought he still had me.

“Hey, y/n, your boyfriend’s at the gate.” One of the set assistants approached me while I was watching at the sidelines as Jensen dropped to the floor for the tenth time, the coma spell taking over Dean.

“What?”

“Tom Hiddleston is at the gate. Where do you want to meet with him?”

I bit my lip, looked at the stage, where Jensen was getting ready for another other take and started to speed walk away, the assistant following me. “Tell them I’ll meet him outside makeup.”

When he walked up, I was full of anger and fear. Breaking up with him was scary enough when there was an ocean between us. The way he had snapped at me, the way he had spoken, how he’d tried to manipulate me… it was bound to be worse in person.

Tom had trimmed his beard and done his hair with sweeping curls. He was wearing that grey suit with the shiny lapels. Step one of the manipulation: Look like a dream to make me forget he’s a nightmare waiting to happen.

I tried to ignore how fucking gorgeous he looked, launching myself into the argument, and it _had_ to be an argument, not a discussion or a conversation, because he would win any polite discourse. “Tom, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in London.”

He stopped in front of me, tall and intimidating and gorgeous, and he ran his eyes down my body and smiled. “I had to see you. I cancelled my weekend shows, told them I had a family emergency.”

“Getting dumped isn’t an emergency, and I’m not your family.” I spat.

His smile faltered. “A broken heart is an emergency. My girlfriend making a decision she’ll regret for life is an emergency.” He reached forward and grabbed my hand. “I wouldn’t have given up control, y/n, if I’d known you would run back to a married man.”

I tried to pull my hand back, but the fingers of his other hand wrapped around my wrist, tightly, with bruising pressure. I winced. “Tom, you’re hurting me.”

“Is that not a fair turnabout, as you’ve hurt me?” He tightened his grip, yanking me forward slightly. “You need to apologize, Dear, and tell me that you take it back.” I opened my mouth to argue, but nothing came out. “Because your options, _Dear_ , are loneliness, being a married man’s sex doll, or me. If you want a future, a life you and Nova can enjoy and be proud of, you will apologize to me and take… it… back.”

“Hey, y/n/n, you okay?” Jared’s voice pulled my attention to the right, where he was jogging across the lot.

“This is between y/n and me. Don’t interfere. It’s not your business.” Tom snapped, coldly, dropping my wrist.

“I’m gonna tell you why you’re wrong.” Jared came to stand next to me, body angled so that he was ever so slightly in between Tom and me. “You came to _my_ city. You came to _my_ studio to harass _my_ friend who doesn’t want to see you. That makes it my fucking business. So, if she wants me to interfere, I’m here for that.”

Tom sneered. “You’re not nearly as intimidating as you believe you are.”

“I don’t need to be intimidating. I’m the guy that finishes the fight, not the one who starts it. Walk away, jackass, because I would have no problem explaining to the cops and the media why I felt the need to smash your pretty fuckin’ face… _all_ of why I felt the need.” Tom’s lip twitched as Jared spoke. “Your fans are kinda fucked up, so they might like you more when it comes out that you’re a controlling dickwad, but Disney probably wouldn’t be happy about you losing your ‘pristine English gentleman’ facade.”

Tom was barely containing his anger. He doesn’t like being talked to like that. But Jared just kept talking, not at all minding the rage in Tom’s eyes. “Leave her the fuck alone, stop stalking her at her work, tell the fuckin’ world you aren’t together anymore, and go find someone who wants you to treat them like a piece of property.”

“When you realize your mistake…” Tom huffed, angrily, pointing his finger in my face. “… I do hope it’s not too late.”

As he stomped away toward the parking garage, I rubbed my wrist and watched him leave. Jared gently grabbed my hand and rolled my sleeve up, growling when he saw the handprint forming there. “I should call the fucking cops.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, you’ve already helped so much. I just want it to be over. I gotta go get this covered up. Can you tell Rich I’ll be back in about fifteen minutes?” Jared nodded with a sigh before wrapping me in one of those life-affirming hugs. He kissed the top of my head and I rushed up the stairs into Hair and Makeup.

Trisha gave me a worried look when I asked her to put cover makeup on the rapidly-forming bruises, but I just shrugged it off, telling her it was just an overzealous stunt actor. She didn’t seem to believe me, but I stuck to my line until I was back on set. Jensen stopped mid-sentence and rushed to me. Rich called ‘cut’ and did the same.

“You okay?” Jay asked, quietly.

“Yeah.” I assured him, with a smile and a nod.

“Let me see your wrist.” Richard demanded.

“Guys, it’s okay!” I insisted, stepping back from the men crowding me. “It’s over. He’s gone. I just wanna get back to work and-”

“He hurt you.” Jay’s jaw twitched with barely-contained fury that usually only showed when he was being Dean. “And you’re just gonna let him get away with it?”

“Yes, I am!” I tugged my sleeve down over my hand as far as possible. “I’m not going to start a huge media fiasco over a few fuckin’ bruises. If I accused him… it would ruin me. His fans would drag me worse than they already do. His lawyers would destroy me. I just want it to be over. Let it be over,” I begged.

Jensen let out a shaky breath, still barely keeping in an explosion. “If I ever see him again, I’m gonna break his fuckin’ face.”

“What are you going to do when you have to go back to work for Marvel?” Rich asked.

“ _If_ I have to go back, I’ll deal with that, but… Marvel is really good about recasting trouble actors. You think they’d keep me on as Sin if I slapped one of their major stars with a domestic abuse charge?” I scoffed. “I’m not throwing away my dream just so that Tom can get what’s coming to him. It’s over. Tom and I are over. He won’t hurt me, again. Just leave it alone.”

Jay sighed. “People need to see him for who he really is, Baby Girl. Keeping quiet just gives him power.”

“He’s already _got_ power, Jay, and my silence buys me some semblance of peace. Historically, _nothing_ bad happens to a rich man accused of doing horrible shit. Look at Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen, look at Kobe Bryant and Chris Brown. I don’t want to…” I took a deep breath. “It’s over.” I repeated.

“Okay. Fine. It’s over.” Jay nodded.

Except, of course, it wasn’t, because _somehow_ TMZ got their hands on security footage from the studio lot. I was greeted by a hundred notifications, all to do with the obvious argument Tom and I had and the rough way he grabbed me, Jared coming to my rescue.

Damage control was a series of tweets saying Tom and I had a falling out, as sometimes happens, and what that video showed wasn’t as rough or violent as it seemed. I ended it by saying that Tom was a great man, a perfect gentleman who would never dream of raising a hand to a woman and that I hoped he would find happiness in the future.

Of course, that didn’t help much. I mean, it worked on Tom’s fans (who were more than happy that Tom and I were done), but everybody else? No dice. And when Taylor Swift put her two cents in, I knew it was far beyond my ability to control and the only thing I could do was lie and deny her completely true assertion.

‘ **Sounds like somebody’s afraid to lose her job with @marvelstudios so she’s toeing the party line. Are you afraid of retaliation if you speak out against @twhiddleston?** ’

“Are we going to have a problem with you and Tom?”

“No. No, sir.” I growled into my phone at the Marvel exec on my line. “I gave my statement.”

“He never hurt you?”

“No. We have no problems. Just a break-up.”

“And, in the future, you would be all right to film with him, do promotion with him?”

“Yes, sir. There was very little animosity in our split.” I lied, staring down at my blue and purple and greenish wrist. The bruises had bloomed up to cover my entire wrist, a painful version of the leather bracelet I used to wear. It made me a bit sick to lie, but if I didn’t lie there was no way in hell I was going to get to stay Sin.

“All right. Tom said the same, but I wanted to make sure. Absolutely nothing you need to tell me?”

“No, sir. Absolutely nothing.”

“Good. Keep it that way and everything’ll be fine.”

I took a deep breath. Marvel covering its ass by covering Tom’s ass. Totally expected. “I understand.”

“We’ll be in touch.”

“Yes, sir. Goodbye.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate people gossiping about me. I hate people discussing my motivations like they have any right to speculate. I was almost excited to answer questions at MinnCon, since I knew I’d be able to put some of those questions to bed.

“I know this might be invasive but we’ve been talking about it since the video leaked. What happened with Jared and Tom?”

“Okay, so, that was a Friday, right, and on Wednesday, I had broken things off with Tom. Tom showed up on Friday morning to convince me that I was making a mistake and that I should take it back.” I swallowed at the memory of Tom demanding I take it back. “I disagreed, tried to get him to leave so I could get back to work. He took my hand in his and when I tried to pull away to leave, he stopped me with a hand on my wrist. Not violently, just holding me in place. Jared didn’t want Tom around because he knew that I broke up with Tom, so he came over to tell Tom to leave in his Texan gentleman way. But it’s not a big deal and Tom didn’t hurt me, okay?”

“Then, why were you rubbing your wrist in the video?”

“Because I was in shock that he’d even grabbed me, at all.” I lied. God, I am such a liar since I started acting. “Like I said, Tom is not the kind of man to raise his hand to a woman and the fact that he grabbed me, even such a small action like that, was shocking to me.”

The next fan asked why I left Tom. “Because…” I bit the inside of my lip and sighed. “Because Tom wanted something I couldn’t provide. I spent my whole marriage as someone’s… someone’s accessory. I lost myself in my ex-husband. I only existed in relation to Nate. It was this… toxic thing, and even though Tom is a vastly different kind of person than Nate is…” _***Yeah, Nate never hurt me.***_ “I noticed some… fundamental similarities in my relationship with Tom and how my relationship with Nate started out. Tom is an all-in kinda guy. He’s the kinda guy that… wants you to be friends with his friends because he already knows they’re awesome. He’s the kind of guy that knows the best way to help you attain your goals and pushes you to do things the way he knows is best. He’s wise and intelligent and he needs a woman who can let herself be lost in him and I couldn’t… not after Nate.”

“What advice would you give Tom’s next girlfriend?” The next questioner asked.

I sighed. “Be prepared to lose yourself. Tom is an overwhelming force and if you’re not one to be completely swept up in him… don’t waste your time.”

“Okay,” started the next fan. “but if you were in an abusive relationship, don’t you think it is your _responsibility_ to the next girl to warn them?”

Okay, so this fan didn’t believe me. That’s fine, a lot of people don’t, whatever. “Um, no. I don’t think it’s my responsibility. I think that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, to make them feel like they _have_ to report and possibly put themselves in harm’s way just to keep someone else from making the same mistake. I think… I think warning someone isn’t going to stop them, it didn’t stop _me_ with Nathan, who I’m going to assume this question is about, and it didn’t stop his new wife.” I shook my head. “If I were ever in an abusive relationship, I would do what I could to keep myself safe. Other people’s safety is not paramount over my own and my daughter’s. I wouldn’t owe it to anyone to report. Grown folks can make their own decisions.”

The next few questions were about Tara and about coming back to the show. I excitedly spoke about it, talking about how much I’d missed Vancouver and the studio and the guys and Tara. “Now, that’s not to say that being Sinthea is, like, less important than being Tara, but Tara is just… such a great character. Some really great things were shot the week Tom and I split, some emotional awesome things and I can’t wait for you guys to see them, it’s gonna be awesome!”

“What is your favorite thing about playing Tara?”

“Oh, gosh. That’s a hard one.” I contemplated it. “It’s gotta be the guys. Like, how Tara interacts with Sam and Dean. She’s aggressively flirty with Dean and she’s got that lore-focused kinship with Sam and I think that’s a high point of Tara.”

“Have you gotten to hang with Jensen and Jared since you’ve been back in Vancouver?”

“Yeah, all the time. I missed them so much when I was out and about, so it’s kinda great to be able to just hang out in their trailers and have lunch in Craft together.”

After my panel, I got several notifications from Twitter, most saying things like ‘ **I think @y/l/n_y/n is trying to warn people as subtly as she can about Tom. Knowing she can’t speak against him for her own safety and peace of mind, she’s saying things like** ’ and then quotes from my panel. Because our fans are creative and bizarrely Intelligent, they caught my hints. Well, more was coming for them. My karaoke song was ‘Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)’ by Kelly Clarkson.

On Saturday, I answered the same sort of questions in the same cryptic manner and then I hung out in the green room until it was time to get ready for the SNS. I was wearing a black skirt with large white stars and a black tank top, with white strappy sandal heels, an outfit specifically bought for this SNS, this song, when hands covered my eyes. “Guess who?”

I smiled. It was obviously Jay. I could smell his cologne, even if I couldn’t recognize his voice anywhere. “Hmmm. It’s too tall to be Rob… is it Pellegrino?”

He chuckled and dropped his hands, wrapping them around my shoulders. “I love you, you goof.”

“Yeah, _I’m_ the goof.” I turned and looked at him. He was wearing a Bad Idea Tour shirt and a Family Business Beer Co. ball cap. He looked amazing.

“You look great,” he said, eyes dragging down my body like he didn’t know exactly what I looked like under the clothes.

“Thanks. You like it?”

“Oh, yeah.” He nodded. “What are you singing?”

“It’s a surprise. Only Swain and I know.” I smirked. “But if the fans enjoyed the underhanded reference to Tom that was ‘Stronger’, they’re gonna go crazy for tonight.”

“You know, I thought you just wanted it to be _over_.” Jay teased, smirking at me.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But I also don’t want him to think I’ve just let him get away with it. Somebody got all pissy when he thought I was just gonna let Tom hurt me and get away with it.”

“I’m glad you listened.”

“I wasn’t ever really planning to lay down about it, dude. Just had to cover my own ass. Repeat the same lie in the same robotic tone, give little veiled references to the relationship, make sure it’s nothing that they can actually point to that I accused him of. Don’t worry. Anyone who’s paying attention knows exactly what really happened.”

He nodded. “After the party, you should come to my hotel with me.” His words were quiet and I got a thrill from them but I shook my head.

“That’d be a _bad_ idea.”

“You don’t trust me?” He smirked.

I shook my head. “Don’t trust _myself_.”

He chuckled, patting my shoulder. “I got somethin’ to show you, Baby Girl. It’s important and not somethin’ I wanna _wait_ to share.”

My eyebrows came together, confused as to what he could possibly need to share with me. “Okay. Well, I guess… okay.” I nodded and he smiled.

When I got on stage, I was ridiculously excited. “Hey, y/n. You gonna give us some Eagles tonight?” Rob asked into the microphone.

“Nope.” I answered, succinctly.

“Ah, then, Miranda Lambert?”

“Not tonight, Rob. See, I realized that I sing a lot of the same songs. I’m repetitive, Robbie, and who wants _that_? So, I asked Twitter to send me their favorite upbeat breakup songs and there was one song, Mr. Benedict, one song that was just a gem. A _perfect_ song.” I said, dramatically, channeling my inner Richard Speight Jr. “I have listened to this song, no joke, two hundred and fifty-three times since I discovered it, so I’m pulling out some _pop_ music tonight.”

The audience exploded in whoops and hollers as Richard walked out with a ukulele, which he handed to Borja. Rich slung the strap of Borja’s bass over his head as Mike started to strum the uke. Some fans recognized the song immediately, some caught on when the drums came in. I jumped up and down to the beat, already having fun.

“ _Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I don’t know how to love but, Maybe I do. Maybe you know more than me but This much is true, This little heart and brain of mine say We’re through wit’chu. And I wonder, does it blow your mind That I’m leavin’ you far behind? I wonder, does it stop your heart to know You’re not my sunshine, anymore?_ ” I smirked as I turned to Billy and Rob. I could see Jay watching from the curtain. He obviously didn’t know the song, but he was enjoying the show. “ _Okay, you’re pretty. Your face is a work of art. Your smile could light up New York City after dark. Okay, you’re Coverboy pretty, Stamped with a beauty mark. But it’s such a pity, a boy so pretty With an ugly heart._ ”

I bounced around the stage during the bridge between verses as the audience cheered. “ _Maybe you’ll get married And she will kiss your feet While I give all my rides away. I won’t lose no sleep. Maybe on your honeymoon You’ll think of me. But if you don’t, won’t shed a tear. Yeah, I can guarantee. And I wonder, does it blow your mind That I’m leavin’ you far behind? I wonder, does it stop your heart to know You’re not my sunshine, anymore? Okay, you’re pretty. Your face is a work of art. Your smile could light up New York City after dark. Okay, you’re Coverboy pretty, Stamped with a beauty mark. But it’s such a pity, a boy so pretty With an ugly heart._ ”

When it came to the ritardando of the third chorus, when everything slowed down, I stopped bouncing and put the microphone back in the mic stand. “ _Okay, you’re pretty. Your face is a work of art. Your smile could probably light up London after dark._ ” Screams from the audience as I confirmed who I was singing about. I smirked and nodded. “ _Okay, you’re Coverboy pretty Stamped with a beauty mark. But it’s such a pity, a boy so pretty With an uh-oh, an uh-oh, an ugly heart. An uh-oh, an uh-oh, an ugly heart sooooo._ ” I grabbed the microphone and pulled it off the stand as I went to bouncing around the stage again.

“ _Okay, you’re pretty. Your face is a work of art. Your smile could light up New York City after dark. Okay, you’re Coverboy pretty, Stamped with a beauty mark. But it’s such a pity, a boy so pretty With an ugly heart. Okay, you’re pretty. Your face is a work of art. Your smile could light up New York City after dark. Okay, you’re Coverboy pretty, Stamped with a beauty mark. But it’s such a pity, a boy so pretty With an ugly heart._ ” I was out of breath by the end of the song, but ultimately happy as the fans screamed. “I love you all! Watch out for pretty boys with ugly hearts!” I waved at the audience, tossing the mic to Rich, who almost dropped it.

When I bounced off the stage, Jensen smiled brightly at me. “That’s a great song.”

“ _I_ thought so.” I smiled, taking the bottle of water he handed me.

“And it definitely sent a message.”

“Précisément.” I giggled. He smirked and wrapped me in his arms. I melted into him a little. Not too much, because people were around, but enough to feel his muscles under his marathon shirt and miss the way his skin feels. He spun me around and we listened to Swain with me leaning back against his chest, his arms wrapped around me. He squeezed me before pulling away and heading for the stairs to the stage.

I walked to the curtain, watching him greet the audience and our friends on the stage. The drumbeat that started was not one I recognized, not a song Jensen usually sang, something new. “ _I know your hidin’ places And I know your every move ‘Cause girl, I’ve been lonely, too. And I’ve seen a million faces. Been to a million places. But, girl, there’s no one quite like you._ ” He turned back to look at me, winking conspicuously before turning back to the audience. “ _And I’d walk through Hell and high water, Wash away with the tide. I can lose a damn war all by myself If you were on the other side. So, in the mornin’ when the rooster crows Pack your bags and get ready to go. If you’re walkin’ through Hell and high water, Please don’t do it alone. I know you feel let down, And I know you’ve been turned out. I wish I’d been there for you. So when the night time comes around And you feel like an only child, Just know I’ll be there for you. And I’d walk through Hell and high water, Wash away with the tide. I can lose a damn war all by myself If you were on the other side. So, in the mornin’ when the rooster crows Pack your bags and get ready to go. If you’re walkin’ through Hell and high water, Please don’t do it alone._ ”

As Billy started a guitar solo, Jensen ran backstage to grab a bottle of water. “Black Stone Cherry, a damn fine band.” He drained the bottle, quickly, smiling at me. “You likin’ it?”

“Uh-huh.” I said, a little breathless.

“Good. I’m singin’ it for you.” He kissed the top of my head and ran back out on stage. “ _And I’d walk through Hell and high water, Wash away with the tide. I can lose a damn war all by myself If you were on the other side. So, in the mornin’ when the rooster crows Pack your bags and get ready to go. If you’re walkin’ through Hell and high water, Please don’t do it alone. If you’re walkin’ through Hell and high water, Please don’t do it alone. Oh no!_ ”

Jay waved to the audience, hugged Rob, blew a kiss to the fans and walked off stage. “I will never get over your fuckin’ voice, Mr. Ackles. Rockstar Jensen Ackles.”

“Fangirl y/n y/l/n.” He countered, making me laugh. “You ready to get outta here?”

I sobered, instantly. There was something so familiar about leaving the Saturday Night Special to have Clif drive us to Jensen’s hotel and my mind took me to that time before I nodded. Nothing would happen, I wouldn’t let it, but I still couldn’t help thinking about it and getting a bit tense as we rode over. I stopped at his hotel room door, not crossing the threshold. He turned to me and raised that damn eyebrow at me. “Do I have to come inside?”

He rolled his eyes. “Get your ass in here, Baby Girl.” He stomped toward the table across the room and I slipped in, closing the door behind me. When I turned back around, he was holding a stack of papers, his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. “I got served.”

I stepped closer, taking the papers in my hands. The all-too-familiar paperwork titled ‘Petition For The Dissolution of Marriage With Minor Children’ made me sad. As much as I wanted Jay, I also wanted them to work it out. I wanted Danneel to come to her senses and keep their family together, but apparently that wasn’t happening. “Oh, Jay.” I said, sadly.

He looked a bit taken aback by my reaction. “I, uh, I thought you’d be happier, kid. She’s filed. We can be together again.”

I nodded, setting the divorce papers on the dresser next to the TV. “I know, Jay, but… this is… I feel so bad for your family, for your kids, especially. They’re so young.”

“I’m not gonna love ‘em any less just because I’m not married to Danneel.”

“But I remember how confused Nova was when Nate left me.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m… I’m happy to be able to… but I’m sad for you. I’m sad for Danneel. I’m sad for your kids.”

“Did it break Nova?” He said it quietly, not seeming to expect an answer from me as he stepped in front of me and cupped my face in his hands. “Everything’s gonna be fine, Baby Girl. You and me, we can get through anything. We can get our families through anything. Right?” I nodded. “Then, why don’t we enjoy the good things?”

“Jay…” I looked up into his eyes, getting fuckin’ _lost_ again, but not having to feel bad about that for the first time in months.

“Y/n/n… please.” He whispered, leaning down as I went to my tiptoes wrapping my arms around his neck as he pressed his lips to mine. His hands moved to grab the bottom of my tank top, walking me backward toward the bed as he pulled the shirt off over my head. “Fuck.” He grunted, dropping to his knees in front of me and looking up at my face with adoration as he ran his hands up the inside of my legs and under my skirt.

“Jensen, I…”

“Shh.” He shook his head, letting his right hand stay under my skirt, thumb running down my slit as he pulled his left hand around to pull down my zipper. The skirt crumpled to my feet and I was left in just my bra and panties and those strappy white sandal heels. He leaned forward, placing a kiss to the top of my thigh as he started to unbuckle the straps on my shoes. “Fuckin’ missed you.” He looked up at me as he slipped the heel off, a reverse Cinderella, before doing the same to the other leg complete with the kiss to the top of my thigh.

I smiled down at him as he set the shoes neatly to the side. “Prince Charming… with Rapunzel eyes.” I chuckled.

“I’ve seen those pictures. My eyes aren’t that big.” He smirked as he stood, taking off his hat and tossing it across the room, before reaching back and grabbing the back of his tee, quickly pulling it off and throwing it down. I took a sharp breath and swallowed thickly. “You missed me, too, didn’t ya?”

“God, yes.” I whispered, reaching behind me to unclip my bra as he slipped his feet out of his boots and unzipped his jeans. I dropped my bra to the floor and stepped forward, running my hands across his abs as his jeans puddled at his feet. I squeaked when he pushed me, unexpectedly, backward so that I bounced on the bed. He tucked his fingers in the waistband of my underwear and pulled them down my legs, until they dropped to the floor and he slotted himself with his head between my thighs. “Jay. Please. Fuck.”

“Love it when you beg.” He said, licking at the inside of my thigh, making me whine.

“Please, don’t tease.” I said, breathlessly.

“Okay, Baby Girl.” He ran his left hand up and spread my lips with his first and middle fingers, licking circles around my clit. The middle finger of his right hand sunk into me easily and he started to pump it quickly in and out of me. He waited until I was squirming on the bed before he added a second finger and started to suck my clit and the surrounding skin into his mouth, humming happily as I fell apart on his fingers.

“Holy fuck!” I whined as he climbed up my body. He pulled me into a kiss, licking at the inside of my mouth in a very similar manner to how he’d licked at my pussy. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around his cock and he grunted into my mouth. I ran my hand up and down the length of him a few times, running my thumb over the head and making him buck into my fist.

He pulled away from the kiss, dropping his head to the crook of my neck as he fucked my hand a bit. “Need you.” He grunted.

“I’m right here, Jay.” I whispered. “You got me.”

He reached down, covering my hand with his and lined himself up with my cunt, rubbing the head of his cock from my clit down to my entrance. I moved my hand from his length and grasped his upper arms, fingers of my right hand splayed across his bird tattoo, as he started to swivel his hips, pushing himself into me. “Almost forgot how fuckin’ tight you are.”

“Not tight, Jay. Strong, remember?” I clenched my inner muscles and he let out a strangled cry.

“Fuck, Baby. Gonna kill me with that.”

“Never killed you before.” I teased as he bottomed out, kissing across my shoulder as he let me adjust to his size. “Jay… please move. Please fuckin’ move.”

He pulled back just barely and started to roll his hips, pulling moans from my throat. He moved to kiss me again and I buried my hands in his hair, tangling my legs with his, raising my hips to meet his thrusts, encouraging him to go harder, to let go, to send me into that spiral I’d been desperately needing. When he finally tucked his arms under my shoulders to hold me still as he started to drill into me with abandon, my eyes rolled up and I started to make that noise. That high-pitched whining noise that only Jensen has ever been able to get out of me, the badge of sexual devastation he pinned on like a high honor.

I screamed his name as I came. I couldn’t even _think_ about the fact that there were other people in the hotel. I couldn’t think, at all, until he’d given a few more hard thrusts and grunted into my ear as he came, too, breathing heavily. He looked down into my eyes, both of us panting and sweaty, feeling amazing. “Shit,” he whispered, dropping his forehead to rest against mine. “I forgot the condom.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “It’s okay. I can… I can get a Plan B in the morning.”

“I’m sorry, Baby Girl. I was just… overeager.” He said, pulling out of me and dropping to the mattress, pulling me into his arms. “Though, I will say, going in you raw is probably one of the best things I’ve ever felt.” He kissed the back of my neck and sighed.

I rolled my head to the side to give him better access. “Well, maybe I can go on birth control or something. I mean, it’s not like we _have_ to use condoms, anymore. Dee’s rules don’t count, anymore.”

“You’re right. Let’s do that,” he said, excitedly.

I chuckled at how happy he was. “Okay. Well, I’ll make an appointment, get a checkup and a prescription for some sort of birth control.”

“Hey. You know I love you, right?” He whispered, pulling the comforter over us.

“Of course I know that. That was the start of all our problems and all our greatest happiness.” I affected a silly voice as I said it. “And I love you, too, Jay.” I finished, seriously, leaning up to press my lips to his and then settling down to fall asleep in his arms.


	9. One Outta Three

**Chapter Warnings:** obsession, harassment, (Tom is worse than an asshole in this, **A REMINDER THAT THIS IS FICTION!!!! I KNOW THAT TOM IS NOT REALLY LIKE THIS AND I WISH HIM NO HARM** )

* * *

I woke up with Jay holding me close, peppering kisses on my neck and shoulder. “Mornin’,” I greeted, turning in his arms. “Time is it?”

“Twenty minutes past my alarm goin’ off. I’m supposed to be getting ready for the Gold Panel, but… I’m so comfy and happy… I don’t wanna leave this bed.” He pressed his lips to mine and both of our eyes fluttered closed. “Think anybody’d notice if I just didn’t show up?” He said it with a smirk, already knowing the answer, of course.

“Only every single person at the con and across the interwebs.”

“Damn. Should probably get dressed, then, huh?”

I nodded. “You’ve got a con to open and I’ve gotta find a pharmacy ‘cause _somebody_ got overeager last night.”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me to stop and wrap it up, either, Baby Girl, so hush.”

“After how you ate me, my brain was not functional, Jay. I can’t be held accountable.”

“Well, I couldn’t think past you wrappin’ your hand around my dick, so… guess _I’m_ not accountable, either.” He shrugged, rolling out of bed.

I stared at his ass for a minute before getting out of bed and beginning the search for my clothes. “Well, until I get on birth control, I’m gonna need you to start carrying condoms again.”

A foil square soared across the room and hit my stomach. “I _had_ one, y/n/n. Just forgot to get it on.”

I shook my head. “Ridiculous man. You _planned_ this and still didn’t put the damn thing on?” I stepped into my skirt. “Holding you accountable.” I pulled my tank top over my head and looked around. “Where are my underwear?”

“Dunno.” He shrugged.

“If I check and they’re in your pocket, I’m gonna scream. ‘Cause that’d be the most Dean Winchester-ish shit you could do.”

He smirked as he reached into his back pocket and presented me with my panties, hanging from the tip of his finger. “You love it when I’m like Dean. Fuckin’ fangirl.”

“Yeah… I do like when you act like Dean, most of the time. Can you get rid of the ‘crawl into a bottle to deal with hard times’ part of Dean Winchester’s personality, please?” I snatched my underwear from him and sat on the edge of the bed to slip them on under my skirt.

Jay turned to grab a comb and pull it through his hair. “Don’t break up with me again and we’ll be good.”

“Oh, that’s not a lot of pressure and a completely asshole thing to say.”

“You said you _liked_ when I’m like Dean.” He turned around and smiled at me. “I’m not gonna drink like that anymore. Haven’t since you’ve been back. But, still, don’t break up with me.”

I slipped my feet into my sandals and bent down to do the straps. Jay was suddenly on his knees on the floor in front of me, fingers working across the buckles to secure the heel to my foot. I smiled at him as he started working on the second one. “Are we _dating_ now, Jensen? Like, for realsies?”

He gave a scoffing chuckle, shaking his head, slightly. “For realsies. You can tell your friends about it and everything, Baby Girl.” He ran his hands up my calf as he stood. “I wanna tell all of our friends about us.” A tight feeling took up in my chest at the thought. “Hey. What’s wrong?” he asked, softly.

“I don’t know. Just… what if they think I’m the reason… what if everybody thinks I’m the reason your marriage-”

“Hey, no, no, no. I’m gonna make sure everybody knows that isn’t what happened. And hey, they like you more than they like Dee, anyway, so they’d probably take your side, either way.”

“But…”

He shook his head, leaning down to press his lips to mine. “It’s a mess, right? But we can get through the mess together. Long as you’re with me.” I nodded, standing and wrapping my arms around his neck. He smiled softly down at me. “I called you an Uber while you were sleeping. Clif’s gotta drive me and Jared to the con, so you’ll have to ride back to your hotel by yourself.”

I nodded. “I’m okay with that.”

“And we’ll wait to tell everyone about _us_ until you’re ready, but… they all know how close we are, how poorly I took you, uh, dating Douchebag. I think most of ‘em know we’re not just buddies.” He chuckled. “Actually, back in June last year, Richard straight up asked if you were my con cooch.”

I rolled my eyes. “Con cooch. How disgusting.”

“It’s not his term, you know. It’s probably old as you are.”

I scoffed. “And the N word is older than anybody alive, doesn’t mean I gotta like people using it.”

He nodded. “You’re right. I won’t use it ever again, and I will tell Richard not to use it, either.”

“Don’t tell Richard what to do. I’ll tell him it’s offensive if I ever hear him say it, but until then…” I sighed, looking up into his eyes. “Fuck. What was I saying?”

He smiled. “You were going downstairs to get in the back of some sedan driven by some hipster trying to make some money for pot.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s right.”

“I’ll see you at the con hotel, Baby Girl.”

I nodded and pulled him down for a kiss, before turning and heading out of the hotel room. Jared was in the hallway, walking toward Jay’s room. He grinned when he saw me. “That is _not_ a Sunday morning outfit.”

“Yeah, fuck you, J-pad.” I chuckled, maneuvering around him.

“Yeah, I think Jensen and Genevieve might have a problem with that, kid,” he teased, grabbing my hand to stop me. “Everything’s good, though?”

“With me and Jay? Yeah. For the first time in months, I think… I think everything’s actually really good all around.”

“Good. I’m glad.” He nodded. “Gonna be fuckin’ funny if someone sees you takin’ the Walk of Shame from our hotel.”

“You’re hilarious. There’s already an Uber waiting for me downstairs. I’m sure I can get to it before anyone notices me.” I smiled, squeezing his hand and stepping backward. “See you at the Hyatt.”

It was uneventful going from Jay’s hotel to mine. Nobody seemed to notice my Walk of Honor and I was able to get a shower, get dressed, put makeup on and get checked out without incident. I called another Uber and had him take me to the closest Walmart. I stood in line a few minutes before getting in front of the counter. The woman in the white lab coat smiled brightly at me. “You’re y/f/n y/l/n, aren’t you?”

I cringed. This was the absolute last place I wanted to be recognized. “Uh, yeah. That’s me.”

“Are you here for that convention? You know your character on _Supernatural_ is my favorite witch of the series. I had such high hopes for Rowena, but Tara is infinitely more relatable. I mean, Rowena was glamorous but Tara is so down-to-Earth.” I nodded, smiling politely. “Oh, and you know, I had a feeling that Tom Hiddleston’s nice guy thing was just an act. The way he grabbed you in that video, oh and I know you can’t say anything about it, Marvel’s probably got their lawyers just ready to pounce on you if they hear you say anything bad about… oh, I’m rambling, aren’t I? What can I get for you, sweetie?”

I cleared my throat and leaned forward, slightly. “I need a Plan B.”

“Oh!” Her eyes lit up. “Had a good night at the convention, did you? I’m glad you’re getting back up on that horse again!”

“Ma’am, please keep your voice down. Remember your HIPAA regs.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’ll get that for you.”

As she went into the back of the pharmacy to find what I needed, twitter gave me a notification. ‘ **Hey, maybe now @y/l/n_y/f/n has a shot** ’ with a video attached. I pressed play on a clip of the Gold Panel.

“Is there any truth in the report that Danneel filed for divorce?” the fan asked.

Jensen’s eyes went wide with shock. “Are you kidding me?! I just got served _Friday_. How do you people already know?” Jared reached out and patted Jensen’s shoulder. Jay sighed, his voice was resolute when he spoke. “This is the _only_ question I’m taking about this. All right, I will walk if I get another one. So, here’s my piece on it. Yes, Dee filed for divorce. No, I was not surprised. No, I’m not happy about it, but I understand. If it were up to me, I’d keep fighting for us, but I guess Danneel just got too tired of my bullshit. She’s not gonna keep Birdie and the twins from me, we’re going to stay as much a family as possible. I love Danneel, always will… but sometimes… things don’t work out.”

Jensen ran his hand across his mouth and Jared stood to wrap his arms around him. The video ended when their embrace did.

I retweeted it with an added, **‘Thats really fn insensitive. Thats my FRIEND and hes obvi upset about this. Check urself for basic empathy before you send me shit. Thx** ’. I paid for the Plan B, along with a bottle of water to take it with, and tossed the packaging in the trash can outside the entrance. I took the pill while I waited for the car to show up. When I showed up at the Hyatt, Jensen was in the op room, Jared was doing his meet and greet, so I dropped my bags in the green room and waited for them. They’d come by the green room before heading back to the auditorium for the regular Sunday panel.

“Hey, Baby Girl.” Jensen dropped into the chair next to me, looking not at all as upset as he had in the video.

“Somebody sent me video of the Gold Panel.” I said, taking his hand in mine and entwining our fingers. “They already know about the divorce, huh?”

“Yeah, must have someone on the inside at the Travis County Courthouse.” He looked down at our hands, then looked across the room to our friends. “Take it you don’t mind our friends knowing, then?” he asked quietly.

“If they judge us, they judge, but we never did anything wrong.”

Jensen smiled and licked his lips. “I’d totally kiss you right now, but Kim an’ them _just_ got done telling me how sorry they were about my divorce, so I’ll hold off on it.” He bit his lip. “Did'ya get that thing you needed?”

“That thing I needed ‘cause of you? Yeah, I got it.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. “The pharmacy tech recognized me, but it’s okay. I made it pretty clear that I know my rights and if it ends up in the tabloids, I’m getting her fired.”

“Oh? When did you go diva?”

“Not diva, but I’m not gonna let someone violate my rights, rights they have a duty to uphold, so that they can gossip. I’m with Jared. Just ‘cause I’m famous-adjacent, that doesn’t mean people can walk on me.”

“‘Famous-adjacent’. You’re adorable.”

“Uh, Jensen, it’s time.” Stefani walked up, clipboard in hand. “I’ve already made the announcement that no one is to ask about… about Danneel. Um, they’ve pretty much acknowledged that they’ll be chasing you away if they don’t adhere to the pre-approved questions. Adam wanted me to let you know that, if you _do_ have to walk out of the panel, he understands and he won’t make a big ruckus about your obligations, but he’d really like you to finish your ops if you choose to leave early.”

Jay smiled and stood, releasing my hand. “I’m not going anywhere. Even the tin hats don’t want me to leave, so they won’t ask about Danneel.”

“I can totally see the fan sites, though. ‘Danneel left Jensen because he’s gay for Jared. Genevieve is just holding out for show’,” Jared announced, smiling broadly.

“Ya know… that’s not funny.” Jensen smirked, though.

“Yeah, it is. It’s funny ‘cause it’s true. You know they’re already saying it. I bet if I pull up the tweet I got sent, there’s retweets under it saying that exact thing.” I pulled out my phone, but didn’t go to twitter. I didn’t need to. An unopened text message greeted me from a string of numbers my phone and brain didn’t recognize. I tried to delete it without reading it, just as I’d done the other ten to twenty texts I’d been getting every day. This one, though, was more involved than just ‘ **ungrateful whore** ’. This one read ‘ **Are you proud you’ve destroyed a family with your whore cunt?** ’

I bit my tongue, keeping my face blank to keep J2 from worrying about me, blocked the number and deleted the message. It wouldn’t matter. Tom would text from another number later. The man’s a bit of a Luddite, but given the right motivation he could obviously figure out how to text from random numbers online. Or he’d bought hundreds of disposable cell phones just to torture me. Honestly, I really couldn’t tell you which.

I watched J2’s panel from the side of the auditorium. Jay kept his surly and unhappy act up throughout but every once in a while he’d look at me and smile, just for a second. It made me happier than was acceptable. But my mind kept going back to that text message. ‘Are you proud-’ I could hear it in Tom’s voice. I could imagine his ice blue eyes stabbing me as he placed blame on me for Danneel leaving Jensen.

God, but he was right. It was on me, wasn’t it? If he’d never met me, his marriage… I shook my head. This is exactly what he was trying to accomplish with his bullying texts.

Jay noticed. Of course Jay noticed I was stuck in my head. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing, Jay.”

“You’re doin’ that thing, that deep thinking, worrying thing.” Jensen pulled me behind the curtain behind the stage and ran his fingers through my hair. “What’s wrong?”

“I prom-”

“Don’t lie to me, Baby Girl. You know I can’t let you go back to Florida with this sad sack shit in your head. Come on.”

My phone went off in my pocket as I opened my mouth to claim innocence, but when my body stiffened, Jensen just raised an eyebrow. I pulled out my phone and looked at it. A different string of numbers, back to a shorter message. ‘ **Homewrecking bitch** ’. I flipped the phone so Jay could see. “Just been getting some…”

“Tom. I’m gonna kill him.”

I shook my head. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just get rid of it.”

“Will blocking the number work?”

I hesitated, then shook my head. “No, he’s just gonna send it from another number. I’ve blocked every number he’s texted from.”

“This is harassment, y/n. You need to report him.”

“I have no proof it’s him, Jay. I can’t accuse him with nothing to show for it. I’m just gonna get a new number when I get home. That’ll solve it.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know. It’s fine, though. I promise I’m okay.”

“Fine.” He looked around, then leaned down to press his lips to mine. I pulled away, smiling up at him. “You get a new number as soon as you get back to Florida. Like, on the way home from the airport, get a new number, okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Go do your meet and greet.”

Jay kissed my forehead. “Don’t leave for the airport without sayin’ goodbye, huh?”

“Okay. Love you, Jay.”

“Love you, too, y/n.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Changing my number worked. The texts stopped. Jay was the first person I texted from my new number, Jared second, my parents and nephew were a group text that was third, Connie was fourth. I started updating my contact information with everyone before I’d even made it back to my parents’ house… except Marvel. I emailed Marvel to tell them that my phone was out of commission and if they needed to get a hold of me, they would have to do it via snail or electronic mail. I didn’t want to risk someone at Marvel giving my new number to Tom.

The email that followed was one that made my stomach twist.  
‘ **Miss y/l/n, please let us know when you have a new contact number. We need to set up accommodations for you for the People’s Choice Awards, as you have been requested to present the award for best new series along with Sebastian Stan, Elizabeth Olson, and Tom Hiddleston. You can, of course, deny the request, if you want. Please respond as soon as possible.** ’

“So, Marvel has, uh, pretty much volunteered me to present at the People’s Choice Awards… with Elizabeth and Sebastian and Tom.” I kept my voice steady as I looked down at my computer, where Jensen was in a Skype screen, but my legs were shaking with nerves. “I could tell them ‘no’, but this is a test. This is them seeing if I can handle being around him and I really thought I could do it, but now, I’m not so sure, but if I refuse they’re gonna get rid of me.”

Jay nodded, eyes soft. “What do you need, y/n/n?”

“I need you with me. I mean, I know you don’t usually go to the PCA, but the show is up for two and I just-”

“I’ll get Andy to give me the day off, fly to L.A., walk the red carpet with the most beautiful woman in the world.”

I scoffed, smiling. “No way is _she_ available, but _I’m_ free.” I took a deep breath. “Thank you, Jay.”

“Anything for you, Baby Girl.”

Jay couldn’t save me from rehearsal, though. I tried to stay away from Tom until I had to but he sought me out. “Please, go away.” I didn’t look up when he approached.

“You look good. How have you been?”

“Better now that you can’t text me all the time.”

“Will you look at me? You aren’t having this conversation with your shoes.”

“I’d _rather_ be having this conversation with my shoes.” Tom tucked his fingertips under my chin and forced me to look at him and I flinched away, grinding my teeth together. “Don’t touch me.”

He smiled, softly, eyes soft. I shook my head, crossing my arms over my head. “Y/n, I think you misunderstand my intentions, my Dear, you-”

“I don’t misunderstand anything, Tom. And don’t call me that.”

“What? ‘ _Dear_ ’?” He emphasized it on purpose. “Look, I’ve come to apologize and I think you owe me an opportunity to do such.”

I scoffed at the idea that I owe him anything. “Apologize? For what? Our relationship, or how you’ve acted since I ended it?”

“You mean since Jensen ended it, don’t you?” He leaned closer to me. “You think I don’t know what happened? You went to Vancouver and he told you his wife was leaving him so you got down on your knees for him like the whore you are and then you broke it off with me.”

“If you think that’s what happened, then you don’t know me, at all.” I took a deep, shaky breath. “And I’m not a whore. I never have been. You just treated me like one.”

Tom sighed, running his hand through his hair. Here comes the flip. “I’m sorry. Truly. I just… losing you has been a terrible experience. I know you aren’t. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. And you’d never be unfaithful, not after what Nathan did to you. I’m so sorry.”

The thing about men like Tom is they’re very good at what they do. They get what they want. Either through charm and manipulation or through violence and threats of such. The thing about women like me? We _expect_ the darkness once we’ve seen it in a person. Once we know the potential is there, we are more than a little cynical in our dealings with them.

So, when Tom very politely and calmly suggested he take me to dinner so that the paparazzi could get pictures of us getting along, that that was the best way to show the execs we were okay to be around each other, it threw a big red flag, but I agreed. He was right, it was a great way to prove to everyone, myself included, that I could handle being around him, and if he kept up the charm instead of the obsession, it would be fine.

Jay wasn’t happy about it, but I promised him that I would be in public, with cameras on me, the entire time. “It’s the best way to deal with this. I will be completely on guard, Tom will be on his best behavior. I _have_ to do this,” I said into Skype.

“You really _don’t_. If you want to, you know, _face_ him, I get it. But you don’t have to do this.” He bit his lip. “You still want me to be there tomorrow?”

“Of course! Please, Jay.”

He nodded. “I’ll be there.”

“I love you, Jensen.”

“I love you, too, Baby Girl. My flight’s in at 11:35. You gonna pick me up?”

“Definitely.”

He smiled. “All right. You be careful. I wish I was there, I’d-”

“I know what you’d do to him. That’s part of why I’m doing this alone. I do love that you wanna defend me, though.”

“Cover your own ass, right?”

“Yes, sir.” I smiled at him and he blew me a kiss before signing off.

I didn’t dress up to go to dinner. I didn’t want to send any sort of romantic signals toward Tom. He did dress up. I looked like a bum sitting at the table with Tom in a clean pressed suit. I didn’t really care, though. The point was for us to seem like we didn’t hate each other, not that we were on a date.

When the waiter came up, Tom ordered me a tequila sunrise before I’d even had a chance to open my mouth. Flag. As the server walked away, I excused myself to the restroom and tracked down the waiter. “Hi. Uh, you know that guy I’m with?”

“Oh, honey, I know _all_ about you and Tom Hiddleston,” he said, looking over my shoulder. “I run a gossip blog in my free time. Didn’t think you’d run back to an abusive relationship so quick, but who am I to judge?”

I scoffed. “I’m _not_ going back to him. This is purely for the Marvel execs to see us together so they don’t take Sin away from me.” I sighed. “But he’s trying to get me drunk, and that needs to _not_ happen. Okay? So, can you do me a huge favor and not put any tequila in the sunrises? Just orange juice and grenadine, swipe the rim with tequila so that it smells like liquor but don’t mix any in?”

He gave me a thoughtful look and pursed his lips. “When you finally decide to come clean about Tom’s abuse, I want an exclusive interview.”

“Deal.”

“Virgin sunrises with a tequila rim, it is. Here’s my card.” He pulled out a business card and handed it over. I tucked it in the back of my jeans and winked before heading back to the table.

Tom put the charm on for about an hour and a half, ordering me new drinks before I’d finished my old ones, smiling as we spoke, and it was easy to see why I’d fallen for him in the first place. If I weren’t on my guard, I might have fallen back into it. If he hadn’t tried to get me drunk, I might’ve fallen for it… If he hadn’t hurt me…

The server, Steph according to his card, brought me another drink and Tom looked at me, curiously. “That’s your fourth one, isn’t it?”

“Well you keep ordering me more!” I laughed, loudly, and I could almost hear the camera shutters going.

“But you don’t seem even slightly tipsy.” He chuckled, obviously confused.

“Oh, that’s ‘cause there’s no tequila in these.” I gestured to the glass in my hand.

His face fell. “What?” he whispered.

I nodded, excitedly, putting down the drink and picking up a breadstick. “Yeah! See, I, uh, I got a pretty good memory, Tom, and I remember telling you on our first date to Lava that if you wanted to get me drunk, tequila sunrises were the way to go. You ordering me a sunrise was a _big_ red flag. Texas-sized once you started ordering more and more of them.” I bit into the bread and leaned forward, smiling. “You wanted me to get drunk, defenses down, get pictures of us getting cozy in the mags again, and, hey, maybe you’d get me in bed, right? ‘Cause it was so _easy_ last time. And then I’d _have_ to take you back or I’d look like the whore you think I am.”

I kept the smile, but my eyes and voice went cold. “This is the part where you’re supposed to apologize, tell me I’m _misunderstanding_. But I’m not, am I?” I shook my head. “I’m done with this, Tom. This is it. Look me in my eyes and hear what I’m saying. I am not afraid of you. I am not in love with you. You are not going to manipulate me or hurt me, ever again. I will continue to work with you, as needed, but beyond that… you don’t talk to me, understand?”

I stood when he didn’t respond, patting his shoulder as I walked toward the door. I threw a peace sign at the paparazzi and pulled my phone out as I walked down the sidewalk. “Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m out of dinner with Tom. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, but suffice it to say… I think I win. I think the game’s over and I win. Call me when you get done shooting. Love you, Jay.”

It was like a weight being lifted when I turned back toward the restaurant and saw Tom walk out. He looked at me, but walked forward to hail a cab, not coming after me. I win.

~~~~~~~~~~

I had never been so excited to put on a dress as I was to put on the cobalt blue metallic Theia gown. Like, not even my wedding dress made me as excited as the gown I put on to walk the red carpet with Jensen… in his light blue suit with his thin grey tie. He actually fucking stared when I walked out of the bathroom. I spent hours on my hair and makeup and locked myself in the hotel bathroom for the last half hour before finishing. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped a little and, honestly, I have never felt more beautiful. “Wow. You look amazing.”

“It’s not too much? I mean, when I did the premieres, Tom always made me go _less_. He didn’t want me to ‘look like a harlot’.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “If he so much as speaks to you without needing to, I’m gonna kill him.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t wanna get your suit dirty.”

“Fine… but if he touches you…”

“I can take care of it. Calm your protective side, honey. I handled him yesterday, I can handle him today.”

“‘Honey’?” He smirked. “Since when am I ‘Honey’?”

“Since calling you ‘daddy’ is weird for both of us if it’s not a joke and Jay is a nickname, not a pet name and you, my wonderful boyfriend, deserve a pet name.”

His smirk became a genuine smile. “I fuckin’ love you. I’ll take ‘Honey’.”

We rode to the awards show in the back of a Towncar. Jensen helped me out and we walked down the carpet, taking questions from reporters as we went. A few asked why we were there together and Jensen let me answer them. “See, this guy here, this is my best friend. I told him I had to present an award and asked if he’d come with for emotional support and he was here, man. Like, how many folks would move their whole schedules around to take their friend to an award show that she’s not even getting an award at?”

“She didn’t even have to ask. Soon as I found out her ex was gonna be here, I wanted to be here.” Jay bit his lip and looked around, almost like he was trying to find Tom.

“And we’re not causing any trouble, right, Jensen?” I said, pointedly.

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Right. We don’t start trouble.”

“Do you end it?” The reporter asked with a smile.

I grabbed Jensen’s arm and tugged on it. “We’re not ending anything except this interview, okay? Come on, we gotta get inside.”

I had to go to the restroom, so I left Jensen at our seats and walked away. When I got back to my seat, Jay held out his phone. “You’re welcome.”

“What’s this?”

“Some of the _proof_ you keep sayin’ you don’t have.”

I pressed play on the video, which was taken with the selfie cam of the phone that was obviously sitting in Jensen’s lap as it recorded. “ _How did I know she would show up here on your arm?_ ” Tom’s voice came out of the phone.

_“Probably the same way she knew Marvel would protect you and I know that she’s gonna destroy you as soon as she decides Marvel isn’t worth her effort if they’re gonna cover for a predator.”_

_“But Marvel **hasn’t** been protecting me. The only one protecting me is y/n. She’s said repeatedly that I did no wrong. Why do you think that is, I wonder?”_

_“Ah, is this the part where you tell me that, despite the fact that you were horrible and abusive and controlling and forced her into a S &M relationship she didn’t want, despite the fact that when she left you you grabbed her so hard she had bruises for weeks and then started harassing her through text messages until she changed her number and tried to get her drunk last night so that you could take advantage of her… despite **all** that, she’s still in love with you?”_

_“Of course she is, even if she doesn’t realize it. Love doesn’t die so quickly… and she is **mine**.”_

_“No, jackass, she’s not. She’s not **yours**. She’s not **mine**. She is her own woman and she doesn’t want anything to do with you.”_ The picture jostled as he stood and the camera settled on the bottom half of Tom’s face. “ _She doesn’t want me to cause a scene, so walk away before she gets back._ ”

Tom gave a slight smile. “ _I never should have let her go back to your little show.”_

_“She’d still be under your thumb if you hadn’t.”_

_“She’ll be under my thumb again, don’t worry. And when she returns, I’ll show her exactly what happens to a slave that runs away from her master.”_

_“Walk… away… **now**.”_

_“There are far too many cameras upon us, Jensen. You wouldn’t want to embarrass y/n publicly, would you? I can say from experience, she hates the media speculating about her life.”_ Tom chuckled. “ _Enjoy her while you can. She’ll come back to me, eventually._ ”

I swallowed and handed the phone back to Jay. “He didn’t… he didn’t even try to deny any of it. He’s so… He really thinks I’m gonna go back to him?” I shook my head.

“Dude’s delusional.” Jay smirked as he tucked his phone into his jacket pocket. “You really know how to pick ‘em, don’t’cha?”

“Well, one outta three ain’t bad.”

“Yeah, it is. That’s 33%,” he said with a smirk.

“Well, I only need one to work out, right? One good guy.” Jay reached out and grabbed my hand. “In case you were wondering, _you’re_ the good guy.”

“Oh, good. I was worried.” He chuckled, bringing the back of my hand to his lips.


	10. Last Saturday Night

**Chapter Warnings:** **18+, HERE BE SEX, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN,** protected vaginal sex, surprises

* * *

Jensen and I barely made it back to the hotel before he was inside of me. The way he was pawing me in the back of the car, I thought he was going to do a repeat of the first time he got his fingers in me, but he just got me wet and ready so he could fuck me as soon as the door closed.

“Jay, this dress was- unh, so ex- fuck, expensive. Let me…” He only gets like this when he’s worked up about something that he needs to work through, and after talking to Tom, he was really worked up.

He thrust into me several more times, making my back rub irritatingly against the textured wallpaper, his hands under my ass, holding me up as his cock speared into me. “We can get-”

“No. No, we’re not getting me another one.” I pushed my hand into his hair and yanked, slightly. He looked into my eyes, breathing heavily. “Just let me get it unbunched and I’ll take it off while you put on a damn condom.”

He licked his lips, looking like he was debating it, then nodded, pressing his mouth against mine as he pulled out of me and I dropped my legs. “Sorry,” he whispered, reaching behind my back to unzip my dress.

“It’s okay, hon. Let’s just get undressed and move on.” I slipped the dress off and hung it on one of the hangers in the closet. By the time I made it to the bed, Jensen was already completely nude, one hand wrapped around his cock, just fuckin’ holding his glory, and the other massaging his balls.

“Go ahead and climb on, baby girl. I wanna watch you ride me.”

I smiled and climbed onto the bed, placing kisses on his chest as I straddled him. It’s not often I get to be on top. Mostly that’s my fault, I guess. I don’t have the stamina for it. But watching his face as I sink down on him, impaling myself on his cock? That is the best thing in the whole world. His eyelids go heavy, his mouth drops open and the tip of his tongue goes to a point between his teeth. He knows I don’t have the stamina to keep going, but he seems to be okay with that as long as he gets to see me bouncing above him for a while.

I braced myself with my hands against his chest and started to roll my hips. I go slow, lifting up slightly and rolling back down. “Fuck, y/n. So good,” he groaned, large hands grasping at my hips, guiding me but not forcing me to go faster or harder. I leaned down, taking his lips with mine, still rolling my hips. Ten minutes of that, of kissing and riding and loving the moans he lets out, and he put his right hand in my hair and his left hand on my hip and I knew it was his turn. Good thing, too, since my legs were starting to get tired.

He braced his feet against the mattress and held me in place as he started to piston his hips, fucking up into me as hard as he could to make me scream. “Jay! _Fuck_. Oh, god, Jay.”

“I fuckin’ love you,” he growled, rolling us so that I was tucked underneath him. My knees came up to notch at his hips by instinct as the headboard started to thunk against the wall.

“Love you, too,” I whined, my head thrown back and my hands grasping at his back. “Fuck, Jay.”

“Could just do this forever.”

“Please.”

“You’d like that? Just fuck you for hours?” He didn’t wait for an answer, pressing his lips to mine as I started to whine. “Not gonna last that long, are you?” He pulled away from the kiss and moved to nibble at the juncture of my neck and shoulder. I shook my head. “S’okay. M’either,” he admitted.

My orgasm triggered his and he fell to the side of me, both of us breathless. He pulled me to lie on his chest, arm wrapped around me, and I reached out to run my fingers in circles around his his nipple. “Do I _have_ to go home?”

“No. We’ll just stay in this hotel room forever.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “We’ll live on room service and never work again and just spend every day like this.”

“Well, that sounds like Heaven, but… I think we’d miss our kids, eventually, don’t you?”

“Why you gotta bring reality into my fantasy world, woman?” He tightened his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. “I hate that I have to go back to Canada and you have to go back to Florida. It sucks.”

“Uh-huh,” I agreed. “Definitely.”

“Well, at least we know you’re still on the show.”

“Yeah.” I got comfortable against him and drifted off to sleep, knowing I was getting on a plane in the morning and it was our last chance to be together for a while and that I might be able to hold off on the inevitable ‘goodbye’ if I held onto him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got an appointment with my old gynecologist as soon as I got back to Florida again. Dr. Sexton smiled when she saw me. “According to my file, Mrs. y/l/n, it’s been more than seven years since I’ve seen you. What happened?”

I smiled, embarrassed. “Uh, well, after my pregnancy Medicaid got yanked, I had to start getting my Women’s Wellness check-ups from the free clinic. But, now I’ve got some money, I thought I’d come back to you.”

“You get a better job?” she asked. It took me a minute to realize that she was being serious.

“Uh, yeah. I’m acting now.”

“That’s good for you! So, you and Nathan trying for another one?”

I shook my head. “No, uh, Nate and I aren’t together, anymore. We actually got divorced several years ago. I am here, uh, because my new boyfriend and I are trying to not have one. ‘Cause he’s got three kids with his ex and I’ve got Nova, so… uh, if you could do the Nexplanon or an implant like that, ‘cause I am shit at remembering to take pills and we kinda both want to not do the condom thing, anymore.”

“Oh, you’ve been using condoms?”

“Well… except once. There was a… but I took a Plan B, so…”

“How long ago was your mishap?”

“MinnCon was three weeks ago, so… three weeks.”

“All right, well, we just need you to pee in a cup and then we’ll get you that Nexplanon.” She patted my shoulder and smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Baby Girl. How was your appointment?”

“Um, pretty okay.” I swallowed. “Dr. Sexton said that I am in… great health. Much better than when she saw me last time. My blood pressure is way down, she’s really happy with my weight and body mass index, um… but… she…” I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “She wouldn’t give me the implant.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because they don’t give birth control to pregnant women,” I whispered.

There was a long moment of silence on the other end of the phone before Jay said, “Skype me.”

“Jensen.”

“ _Please_.”

I reluctantly hung up and called him back on Skype. His face was unreadable. “You’re pregnant?” I nodded. “How far along?”

“Five weeks. Puts conception-”

“MinnCon.” He finally broke a bit, his lips twitching, but I wasn’t sure if they were trying to smile or frown. “Plan B didn’t work.”

“Nope.” My lips trembled and I found myself biting that bottom lip.

“What do you need, y/n? How can I help?”

Tears pricked at my eyes and I shook my head. “I need to know what you want me to do, Jay.”

“Are you asking if I want you to get an abortion?” His voice and face were still indecipherable. I just nodded and he sighed. “If that’s what you want, y/n, I won’t stop you. It’s your body and I have no say in it, _but_ -” He smiled, so softly that it made my breath catch. “-if you wanted to hold me accountable for, say, the rest of this kid’s life, I would be happy to take that.”

“You wanna keep it?” I gasped.

He nodded, a brilliant smile breaking out across his face. “Hell, yeah!”

“Really?!” I squeaked. “I mean, but you… you have three kids already and… and I’ve got Nova and-”

“And I don’t have one with you. I could have one with you.”

I wiped my eyes and sniffled. “I’m a nightmare when I’m pregnant, Jay. The morning sickness with Nova was from six weeks to twenty-four weeks and it was bad enough to get me hospitalized three times and I was an emotional wreck throughout and I’d have to have another cesarean and-”

“I’m cool with every bit of that. And I’ll be around to help you through as much of it as possible, okay? Please, baby girl. If you want to do this, let’s do it.”

I smiled and nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

“Great! We gotta celebrate. Next time you’re in Vancouver, I’m taking you somewhere special.”

“You don’t have to do that, Jay.”

“I know. I want to.” He bit his bottom lip and smiled, brightly. “I have to call Jared… and you should tell Nova… and I guess your parents. Have you even told them we’re dating?”

I scoffed. “I told them I’m dating, didn’t tell them who. After Tom, you know, they’ve doubled down on the overprotective instincts.” I smiled, happily. “Jay, we’re gonna have a baby.”

“Yeah, we are!”

It wasn’t until I was off the phone with him, figuring out the right way to word the fact that I was pregnant to my seven year old daughter and my parents that the anxiety about it creeped back in. Jay was, technically, not divorced yet. Sure, they were moving on the fast track on that, he was agreeing to everything she asked and it was going to be done within the next few weeks but he was still married.

I was gonna have to inform the CW and Marvel that I was pregnant and they might decide to just not bother with me, anymore. And Tom…

Tom thought he still owned me. What would he do when he found out I was pregnant with Jensen’s child?

All my doubts dissolved when Jared sent me the text saying ‘ **Congratu-fucking-lations!** ’. Tom could suck it, the studios could suck it. The fans, and their inevitable jealous bullshit, well, they could, too, because I was pregnant with my best friend’s baby and nothing could bring me down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wait, you’re dating Dean?” my mom asked.

“ _Jensen_ , Mom. It’s Jensen, and yeah. We’re dating and you’re gonna have another grandbaby!”

“I get to be a big sister?” Nova asked, climbing on my lap.

“Yup. Can’t wait to see how you get on with this tiny girl or guy.”

“But he’s still married, isn’t he?” Mom pressed.

“Yes.” I groaned, softly. “But we didn’t sleep together until after she filed.”

“You know what people are going to say, right?”

“I don’t think I care, Mom. I’m in love. Jay makes me happy. We waited long enough for each other and I’m gonna have his baby… I’ll figure out a way to ignore the haters. Just like Gen and Danneel have.”

My mom smiled that worried smile that said she was gonna let me make my own decisions even if she’s early of them and I went back to talking to Nova about the baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew Dabb made me call Bob Singer, who sent me along to someone at Warner Brothers who told me that I absolutely still had a job and she would even make sure I got appropriate maternity leave.

Marvel was a different story. They told me they couldn’t wait for me, that the shooting had to be done right in the middle of my pregnancy so they were going to have to drop me. Of course, they didn’t think that through, and they _really_ should have, because Sin was the only reason I was keeping quiet about Tom.

“So, are you gonna ask me questions, or am I just gonna talk?”

“Why don’t you just start talking and I’ll ask questions where I think my readers will have them.” Stephan was sitting in front of his webcam with a cup of tea and a notebook and pen, recording me but still ready to take notes.

I took a deep breath. “Okay, well, I wanna start by saying that I’m speaking out now because I’m no longer under contract with Marvel, so I have no fear of reprisal and I did before. I didn’t want to lose my job so I kept quiet. I maintained his image, but… Tom is not the man he appears to be. He portrays himself as this perfect English gentleman and he’s… controlling, manipulative, and toxic. He swept in and took complete control of my life. He did it so subtly at first that I didn’t even realize it.”

“Subtly how?” Stephan asked.

“Uh, okay, so our first date he asked me for drinks, right? I wanted to go to this little arcade bar in Atlanta called Joystick, but Tom insisted we go to this VIP nightclub. I told him I didn’t want to dance because I’m no good at it. He told me everyone dances and pulled me to the dance floor. I had some drama on my birthday and wasn’t able to call my family back until past midnight to answer their ‘Happy Birthday’, he took my phone from me and wouldn’t let me call them because he said I needed the rest more than I needed to talk to them. I’d known him three days at that point. I didn’t see it as controlling behavior, then. I thought… ‘you know, he’s got his shit together. He’s older and wiser than me. He’s just trying to help me get my life together’, but eventually…”

I cleared my throat. “Eventually, he started making me call him ‘sir’ and ‘master’, expecting complete obedience in and out of the bedroom and he, uh, made me wear this leather bracelet with his name on it. He told me I belonged to him, that he owned me. And I went with it.”

“Why? Why would you let him treat you like a piece of property?”

“Because…” I sighed. “I mean, he’s Tom Hiddleston. The fact that he _noticed_ me is mesmerizing and I was so caught up in wanting to be what he wanted of me that I didn’t realize until he… he was invested in me.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“Not while we were together. Any physical pain he caused me was in bed and… I consented to it. I might not have liked some of it, I might have gone into a deep depression because of it, but none of the physical stuff… I’m not… I could’ve said ‘no’ and I didn’t because I didn’t want to lose him. So, I’ll take my share of blame on that, but after I realized that he was controlling me and our relationship was toxic, when I decided to leave…” I shook my head. “I broke up with him and he showed up in Vancouver. He canceled appearances he had at the Pinter Theater to fly to my job and convince me that I made a mistake.”

“That’s when he grabbed you?”

“Yeah. He wouldn’t let my wrist go and I told him that he was hurting me and he said, um, ‘Isn’t that fair since you hurt me?’ and proceeded to tell me that I need to take him back. Jared rescued me, told Tom to leave me alone, go away. Tom said he wasn’t scared of Jared.” I smiled at the memory. “Jared said he didn’t need Tom to be scared of him. He said as soon as Tom started the fight, Jared was gonna end it and he’d have no problem explaining to everybody why he smashed Tom’s pretty face. So Tom left.”

I bit my lip. “Did you get the pictures of my wrist I sent you?”

“Yeah! It was hard to not post them right then and there. It looked horrible, sweetheart.”

“Yeah. It felt worse than it looks. I had to put a compression glove on to get any mobility, it was so swollen, but I didn’t say anything ‘cause I just wanted it to be done and I knew that Marvel would give me shit if I made trouble for one of their big stars. So, I moved on. I tried to let it be over with… and then I started getting these terrible text messages.”

“From Tom?”

“Yeah. Well, they weren’t from his number. Actually, they were from a bunch of different numbers. Every time I blocked one, he’d switch to a different number.”

“And what was he texting you?”

“Uh, mostly calling me names; ‘whore’, ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or telling me that I was nothing without him.” I shrugged. “I had to change my number.”

“So, why did we see you and Tom out to dinner two weeks ago? All the pictures made it seem like there weren’t any hard feelings.”

“ _I_ did that for show. I wanted to keep my job. Tom did it because he thought he could get me drunk and I’d make a mistake.”

“How do you know that?”

“Other than the fact that he didn’t deny it when I confronted him about it? He ordered me four tequila sunrises in the span of an hour. He knows that’s a drink that I will get very easily trashed on.”

“Now, I noticed that you sang a song at the Minneapolis Supernatural Convention that most people would think was… you know, some sort of message. You sang GRL’s _Ugly Heart_. Were there any other songs you considered?”

“Um… I was going to do Halsey’s _100 Letters_ , because that one’s very close to… how I feel, the whole ‘molding her into what he thinks is gold’ thing. I spent about two days learning every note of the song, but I wanted happy and I would’ve broken down crying if I’d done that one, so… I went with the fun one.”

“And if you went through all this effort to keep your job with Marvel, how did you end up getting recast, after all?”

I sighed. “There will be a… an announcement at the Dallas convention this weekend, so I… I can’t ruin that. All I will say is that I told them something they didn’t like and I got dropped because of it.”

“Okay and I just… _have_ to ask about you and Jensen Ackles.”

“Oh, Stephan, that’s not what this interview is about.”

“I mean, a little bit, yeah. Jensen seemed pretty upset at the People’s Choice Awards. Seemed like he wanted to start a fight with Tom.”

“Jensen is my best friend, okay, and when he found out that Tom was being… Jensen got protective. He’s a good Texan boy, he was taught how _not_ to treat a woman and he’s the type to step up and put an end to behavior he disagrees with. Anyway… pay attention to the con circuit. You find out why Marvel dropped me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, you aren’t doing _any_ more cons after Dallas?” Adam Malin asked.

“Trust me, Adam, after Dallas, they aren’t going to want me there.” It hurt to walk away from the cons. I love the cons… but I knew I had to. For the same reason Gen and Danneel never did cons. They just weren’t worth it.

“Yeah, I’ve heard this before. You thought they were going to hate you last year, too.”

“No, seriously. Just… if they still want me around after the con, if there’s still reason for you spending your money on me, Adam, I will come back, but I’m positive they’re gonna be hating me by noon on Sunday.”

“Okay, I guess. Let me know. I always love having you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a bunch of questions through social media after they announced I was going to be pulling out of the rest of the conventions. Theories abounded on why, but only a small number were even close. A couple straight-up said “She’s pregnant with Jensen’s baby”, though and that was creepy as fuck. Like, how do they know?

They asked at the con, of course. “You guys will understand by the end of the con, I promise. Just take the few days we’ve got and enjoy them with me, please?”

The rest of the questions were about Tom or Tara, and I answered as honestly as I could. As everybody was prepping for karaoke, likely my last Friday Night Karaoke, I got with Bri. “Wanna do something epic with me?”

“Always.”

“How’d you like to hit these Friday People with some Jonathan Larson?”

Briana blinked a few times before smiling. “Take Me or Leave Me?”

“You be Maureen, I’ll be Joanne?”

“It’s your last karaoke. Don’t you wanna be Maureen?”

I shook my head. “Eh, _you’re_ sex on a stick, not me. You fit the part of Maureen better than me, and I’ve got Joanne’s part down pat. I did it for Thespians back in high school.”

“You’re sex on a stick, too!”

“I will agree to disagree, Bri. Be my Maureen?” I asked, smiling.

It was epic. We were about halfway through the karaoke show when our names came up. “Ooh, I’ve been wanting to do this song with Bri for years!” I exclaimed before we launched into the song. I was a bit surprised by how many people actually recognized the song, especially from the just the first few chords. We brought the fuckin’ house down with some RENT.

Jay flew into DFW early on Saturday. He’d managed to get out of Vancouver early, convincing Amyn Kaderali to shoot the rest of Dean’s scenes on Monday. We went to lunch together at a small bistro about twenty minutes away from the convention center. It was secluded, and nice, but I couldn’t eat. My morning sickness chose that morning to start. “Some bread, maybe?” Jay offered as I put a piece of ice in my mouth and sucked on it.

I shrugged. “I kinda just wanna eat a handful of Tums and call it a day.”

“You look miserable.”

I chuckled. “I told you. It’s just gonna get worse.”

“Maybe it won’t be so bad, huh? Yeah, Nova was hard on you, but maybe this one won’t be so harsh.” Jay reached out and took my hand. “Anything I can do?”

I shook my head. “No. Not really.”

“You nervous about tomorrow?”

“Nervous about watching the entire fandom turn against me? Why in the world would I be nervous about that?” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be fine. It’s better to not prolong it.”

“Hey. Everything’ll be fine. The lawyers put the final paperwork in yesterday. We’ll be divorced by the end of the month. What the fans think… does that matter? Does that change anything?”

I shook my head. “No. I just… I hate that… that they’re gonna hate me.”

“Maybe they’ll surprise you. I mean, there’s fans who love Vicki and none of them have even met her, seen her, spoken to her, listened to her tell them all about her life. I’m sure they’re still gonna love you, baby girl.”

I smiled and took a sip of water, letting him just hold my hand. “So, what are you singing for the SNS?”

He smirked. “It’s a surprise.”

“A surprise?”

“A good surprise. Don’t worry about it, baby girl.”

I didn’t worry, but I was definitely curious all day. My turn was met with much fanfare, Rob and the boys making a huge deal about the fact that it might be my last time performing with them and I was fighting back nausea as I took the microphone. If I had more than water in my stomach, I’m sure I would’ve thrown up. “So, I wracked my brain for a long while trying to figure out what was the best song to go out on before I start my indefinite hiatus. How do I tell you, the Family, how I feel about you before I leave? And, I mean, there’s really only _one_ song that I could use to get the message across. I’m no Whitney, but I’m gonna give it my best, y’all.” I took a deep breath and smiled. “ _If I should stay, I would only be in your way. So I’ll go but I know, I’ll think of you every step of the way. And I will always love you. I will always love you. You. My darling you. Bittersweet memories. That is all I’m taking with me. So goodbye. Please don’t cry. We both know I’m not what you, you need. And I will always love you. I will always love you. You._ ” Billy and Rob started to play through the bridge and I took a sip of water. “ _I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of. And I wish-a you joy and happiness. But above all this I wish you love._ ”

I took a deep breath and gripped the microphone tightly. “ _And I will always love you, I will always love you, I will always love you, I will always love you, I will always love you. I, I will always love you. You. Darling, I love you. I’ll always, I’ll always love you._ ”

The audience erupted and I smiled. “Oh, listen to you guys, acting like I didn’t shave a measure off the end ‘cause I couldn’t hold that note. You guys fuckin’ rock!” I went to leave the stage, but Jay hopped up the stairs and wrapped an arm around me, guiding me back toward the front of the stage.

“So, obviously, this is y/n/n’s last con for a while and we need to do something good for her before she goes. Right?!” The fans screamed in agreement. “Well, y/n and I were talkin’ a few weeks ago about melodies becomin’ memories, how certain songs have been ruined for her by the associated memories. Like, uh, that John Legend song she sang with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.”

I scoffed. “He’s not Voldemort.”

Some of the fans laughed, but a few gasped dramatically and I love those fans so much. “Well, I can’t keep callin’ him ‘Loki’, Rich got offended.” Jay joked, gesturing at Richard before turning back to me. “And she was tellin’ me about a song that she used to love that got ruined by being attached to her ex-husband and I thought we could reclaim the song for happy memories.”

My eyes went wide at the first few muted guitar notes that started the first dance from my wedding. A Jason Mraz duet with Colbie Caillat that I hadn’t even been able to listen to in years. Jensen smiled as he let his arm go from around my shoulder and he pulled the mic from its stand. Rich handed me another mic as Jensen started to sing. “ _Do you hear me? I’m talkin’ to you, Across the water, Across the deep blue ocean, Under the open sky, oh my. Baby I’m tryin’._ ”

I smiled, still remembering every note. “ _Boy I hear you, In my dreams. I feel your whisper, Across the sea. I keep you with me, In my heart. You make it easier when life gets hard._ ”

Jay took my hand and smiled down at me as we started to sing together. “ _Well, lucky I’m in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be comin’ home again. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh._ ”

“ _They don’t know how long it takes._ ” I sang, looking up into those gorgeous greens and he sang the same line just a half second behind me. He must’ve really put time into learning the correct cadence. “ _Waitin’ for a love like this. Every time we say ‘goodbye’. I wish we had one more kiss. I’ll wait for you. I promise you, I will. I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again. Lucky we’re in love in every way. Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed. Lucky to be coming home someday._ ”

“ _And so I’m sailin’ through the sea, To an island where we’ll meet. You’ll hear the music fill the air. I’ll put a flower in your hair._ ” He tucked my hair behind my ear as he sang.

“ _Though the breezes through the trees, Move so pretty, You’re all I see. As the world keeps spinnin’ round. You hold me right here right now._ ”

“ _I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again. Lucky we’re in love in every way. Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed. Lucky to be coming home someday. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh._ ”

There was literally nothing else in the world for me as I looked up into Jay’s eyes, singing out our love for each other. There was no problem my best friend and I couldn’t deal with. “I love you,” I whispered and he smirked, before turning back to the audience.

“So, I’d never heard ‘ _Lucky_ ’ before a week ago. I don’t usually listen to Jason Mmmarz?” He questioned, tossing a glance at me.

“Mraz,” I corrected.

“Anyway, but I had to do something for my girl, here, so I listened to it… over and over and over.”

“Thank you, Jensen. What a way to send me off, huh?” I shouted to hype up the audience. Not that they needed it with Jensen on stage. I wrapped him in a hug and started to walk off, but he stopped me.

“Rich put out a call across Twitter for Ginger Snaps, so there’s four boxes backstage. Eat something,” he said quietly. I nodded as he let me leave, Louden Swain starting up the first few measures of ‘ _Simple Man_ ’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He waited to do the announcement until the Q&A Panel. If he did it for the Gold Panel, yeah it’d get around, but he wanted the entire convention to find out at the same time.

“Good afternoon, Dallas!” Jared yelled as Jensen sat down, a coffee in his hands. “You look tired, Jensen.”

“Had to wake up early and call Warner Brothers.” Jensen said into the microphone. Obviously, that wasn’t true. The call to Warner Brothers happened weeks before, but this was how they’d chosen to segue into the announcement. “You know that phone call where you’ve gotta report a major life-change or physical change that might alter shooting schedules or might have to be written into the show?”

“Like a fractured wrist or dislocated shoulder? I wouldn’t know a thing about those calls,” Jared quipped.

“Yeah, me either. I’m not actually the one who made the call, y/n is. She had to let the studio know that they might have to write a baby into Tara’s character.” The audience exploded, some laughing at what was obviously a joke, some gasping at the realization that a baby is why I cancelled my con appearances, why Marvel dropped me, and some cursing loudly because they immediately caught on.

“So, why were _you_ on the call, Jensen?” Jared led.

“Well, because I’m the one who put her in that condition, Jared.” Jensen took a sip of his coffee as the rest of the audience caught up with the first angry cursers. He pursed his lips and waited for the anger and outrage to die down before he raised the mic again. “And _that’s_ why she pulled out of the rest of the cons. See, she’s certain you guys are going to hate her now. I really hope you guys prove her wrong, ‘cause she’s loved this Family since she was on your side of it and watching her walk away from her dream because she thinks no one’s gonna want her here, well, that was heartbreaking.”

Jensen licked his lips and continued. “She loves these cons more than she loves working on the show. She loves you guys as much as she loves us-”

“Not as much as she loves _you_ , though,” Jared interrupted.

“Goes without saying, but she got all kinds of death threats when she was dating Tom, so she’s expecting that kind of treatment here. Be better than Hiddleston’s fans. Be the people I know you can be. Be the family that helped her through her divorce and don’t hate her for being the light on the other side of mine.”

I watched as people in the question lines argued with the Creation volunteers, wanting to change their question, which is against the rules. The very first questioner did so, anyway. “My question is for Jensen. How long after your split from Danneel did you get with y/n?”

“Why? You think y/n/n took advantage of me in my emotional state?” The fan shrugged. Jensen adjust his legs on the pegs of his chair and nodded. “Let me tell you a little story about y/f/n y/l/n, 'bout how she acted when I told her Dee and I were gonna call it quits. She yelled at me. She slammed her hand down and shouted at me to fix it. _I_ knew my marriage was over, but she yelled at me to try harder, to go to counselling, to fix it… because she didn’t want me and my kids to go through what she and Nova did, and if anybody took advantage of the situation, it was me.”

He cleared his throat and sighed. “She’d still be with the Bastard Brit if I hadn’t taken advantage of our friendship and the fact that she came into my life already in love with me. Pity sex is a great way to get a chick to admit she’s in love with you.”

“She didn’t sleep with you while she was with her ex, though, right?” Jared asked, stalling the fans’ theorizing before it began.

“No, of course not, dude. She’s been cheated on before, so she’d never hurt someone that way. I mean, not that he doesn’t deserve it, the way he treated her, but no… she broke up with him way before I got with her.”

“So, is y/n the reason your wife left you?” The next fan, of course, went completely off script and I could just imagine the Creation Staff freaking out.

“Nope,” he answered succinctly.

It didn’t take long, just a couple more questions, actually, for Stefani to get on stage and tell them that there weren’t going to be any more questions if the fans couldn’t hold to the ones they submitted. And the fans did turn their acts around after that.

The aftermath, as witnessed by my social media accounts, was very swift. Before the Q&A was even closed, there was a petition up to make the CW drop me, too. It had 1587 signatures on it before the first hour was up. I knew the CW wouldn’t listen, they didn’t listen about Wayward Sisters, but it still hurt.

There were death threats and insults and all sorts of bullshit. But, then there was love.

Someone made gifs of Jensen saying “Be the people I know you can be. Be the family that helped her through her divorce and don’t hate her for being the light on the other side of mine.” And that had 100,000 notes on tumblr in two days, most of which were likes, but almost all of the comments and reblogs were encouraging the rest of the fandom to heed Jay’s words, to leave me alone and stop the needless attacks.

I saw, from the same tumblr user who theorized Jay had an affair with me, a 3000 word essay on why Jensen and I are the perfect antidote to each others’ former relationships and how we would be great together. It boiled down to “Friends to lovers is my favorite trope” but it was good. There was still love, still fandom.

So, I called Creation and told them I’d come back for the big shows, Vegas and the like, but that I wouldn’t be able to do every con like I had been.

I made a video for the fans, to explain some things I knew they were questioning. “Hey, guys. So, I gave it a week, let some of the hate borne of surprise die down, but now I’m ready to talk. I know that you guys will never understand how Jensen ended up with me. I still don’t understand it, myself. I was infatuated with him from the moment I saw him on my TV and when I met him and got the opportunity to be his friend, I thought that was the absolute best thing I could hope for. I’m confused by this turn of events, to be honest. I mean, I never doubted Jay cared for me, even when I was away for all those months being smothered by Tom’s overbearing control, I never doubted that Jensen would be there for me if I needed him. So, when he needed me, I was there. I don’t deserve him. I never will. I get that. But… he wants me. _Somehow_. And you guys, the ones who are mad about it… you aren’t gonna change it by being mad.”

I chuckled. “And I’ve got a job with the CW until they don’t need Tara, anymore, so petitioning them to get rid of me won’t work. I wish petitions to the network worked, ‘cause then we’d have Wayward and that’d be fuckin’ awesome!” I took a deep breath. “I just wanna thank everybody that defended me and said the _nice_ things. I’d especially like to thank, uh, JustJensenandDean on tumblr, who made the gif of Jay at Dallas Con asking you guys not to hate me. The amount of notes that got made me… well, it made me tear up.

Anyway… I’m not going away. I’m gonna take a few steps back for my health, my… my baby’s health.” I couldn’t help but smile at the words. “I’ll still do a few cons a year, but I understand if you don’t buy my ops. And like I said, I’ll still be on the show. I love you all, even if you hate me. You’re my family, have been for years.”

I blew a kiss to the camera and shared it to twitter.

~~~~~~~

Watching Nova run around Ziker Metro Park with Jay-bird and the twins was the moment I realized that everything was going to be okay. They were happy. I was happy. I was twenty weeks along, the morning sickness had ended much earlier than with Nova, tapering out around week sixteen and Jensen and I were debating names for our little boy as the kids played. “No, I’m cool with unique names, Jay, you know that. I mean, ‘Nova’ isn’t ever gonna be on a Top 100 Most Popular Baby Names list, but we aren’t naming our son after a city in Australia I’ve never been.”

“‘Melbourne’ just sounds awesome.”

“But it’s never gonna flow, honey. The name has to flow. Justice Jay Ackles flows. Nova Dawn y/l/n flows. Melbourne, aside from being a name he’ll get made fun of for having, won’t flow. What about Maximus?”

“That’s the horse from Tangled. I already got enough people drawing parallels between me and Rapunzel, thank you.” Jensen reached over and ran his hand over my belly. “Maverick Maxwell Ackles.” He looked over into my eyes and smiled. “It flows… and it’s alliterative. Know how much you like that.”

I smiled back. “I like it. I mean, we’ve still got time to change our minds, let’s not embroider it on his blankets yet, but…” I nodded. “I like Mav.”

My eyes jumped from Jay to the kids as a high-pitched scream pierced the air. Zep was sprawled out in the grass, screaming in pain. Jensen and I both moved to stand, but stopped as JJ and Nova ran to his sides, each taking an arm at his elbows and helping him up. JJ wiped his tears as Nova pressed her lips to his skinned knee. The screeching stopped and they helped him to the bench where his father and I sat, Arrow following behind. “Our brother fell down,” Birdie said as Zeppelin climbed into Jensen’s lap.

“But we did love magic, so he should be fine,” Nova finished, smiling.

“Love magic, huh?” Jensen asked, examining the boy’s knee.

“It’s the healing power of love focused into bumps and bruises,” I explained. “It’s this silly-”

“It’s not silly. Look at ‘im. Kid’s good as new.” He kissed Zep’s forehead and let him back onto the grass. “Go play. Maybe a little less running, though.”

The kids nodded and immediately ran off. I smiled. “I’m glad they’re getting along. I was afraid-”

“You heard what Birdie said, right? _Our_ brother. My daughter is counting yours as a sister. They’re getting along great.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. As I watched the kids, feeling the little subdued movements in my belly, I knew he was right. I knew everything would work out. I had a great family and I couldn’t wait to add to it.

* * *

Final Author’s Note- I want to thank everyone who followed this story from Open all the way to this final chapter of Something More. I hate to end it, I really do, but I have had this ending in mind since I first started writing Open and it’s rare that I have an ending for any of my series. Again, thank you.


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